General Jokes
Science, Medicine, & Moronity
"A teacher forwarded this list of comments from test papers, essays, etc.,submitted to science and health teachers by elementary, junior high, high school, and college students. As she noted, "It is truly astonishing what weird science our young scholars can create under the pressures of time and grades."
"The body consists of three parts - the branium, the borax, and the abominable cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowels, of which there are five - a, e, i, o, and u."
"Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free state."
"H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water."
"To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube."
"When you smell an oderless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide."
"Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water."
"Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars."
"Blood flows down one leg and up the other."
"Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration."
"The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader."
"Artifical insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull."
"Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire."
"A super saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold."
"Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas."
"The pistol of a flower is its only protections agenst insects."
"The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to. "
"A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors."
"The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends
towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight."
"A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is."
"Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa."
"Germinate: To become a naturalized German."
"Liter: A nest of young puppies."
"Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat."
"Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away."
"Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky."
"Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot."
"Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives."
"Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative."
"To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose."
"For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower then the body until the heart stops."
"For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it."
"For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose untill it drops in your throat."
"To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow."
"For fainting: Rub the person's chest, or, if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead. Or put the head between the knees of the nearest medical doctor."
"To prevent contraception, use a condominium."
JUST RAMBLINGS....
When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
One good turn gets most of the blankets.
There are two kinds of pedestrians -- the quick and the dead.
If quitters never win, and winners never cheat, then who is the fool who said "Quit while you're ahead"?
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.
Jury: 12 people who determine which client has the better lawyer.
Never lick a gift horse in the mouth.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the 'Y' becomes silent.
A fire started on some grasslands near a farm. The county fire department was called to put out the fire. The fire was more than the county fire department could handle. Someone suggested that a nearby volunteer bunch be called. Despite some doubt that the volunteer outfit would be of any assistance, the call was made. The volunteers arrived in a dilapidated old fire truck. They rumbled straight towards the fire, drove right into the middle of the flames and stopped! The firemen jumped off the truck and frantically started spraying water in all directions. Soon they had snuffed out the center of the fire, breaking the blaze into two easily-controlled parts. Watching all this, the farmer was so impressed with the volunteer fire department's work and was so grateful that his farm had been spared, that right there on the spot he presented the volunteers with a check for $1,000. A local news reporter asked the volunteer fire captain what the department planned to do with the funds.
"That ought to be obvious, " he responded, wiping ashes off his coat. "The first thing we're gonna do is get the brakes fixed on our truck!"
An aging man lived alone in Ireland. His only son was in Long Kesh Prison, and he didn't know anyone who would spade up his potato garden. The old man wrote to his son about it, and received this reply, "For HEAVENS SAKE, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the GUNS!!!!!"
At 4 A.M. the next morning, a dozen British soldiers showed up and dug up the entire garden, but didn't find any guns. Confused, the man wrote to his son telling him what happened and asking him what to do next.
His son's reply was: "Just plant your potatoes."
Morris calls his son in NY and says," Benny, I have something to tell you. However, I don't want to discuss it. I'm merely telling you because you're my oldest child, and I thought you ought to know. I've made up my mind, I'm divorcing Mama." The son is shocked and asks his father to tell him what happened. "I don't want to get into it. My mind is made up."
"But Dad, you just can't decide to divorce Mama just like that after 54 years together. What happened?"
"It's too painful to talk about it. I only called because you're my son, and I thought you should know. I really don't want to get into it anymore than this. You can call your sister and tell her. It will spare me the pain."
"But where's Mama? Can I talk to her?"
"No I don't want you to say anything to her about it. I haven't told her yet. Believe me it hasn't been easy. I've agonized over it for several days, and I've finally come to a decision. I have an appointment with the lawyer the day after tomorrow."
"Dad, don't do anything rash. I'm going to take the first flight down. Promise me that you won't do anything until I get there."
"Well, all right, I promise. Next week is Passover. I'll hold off seeing the lawyer until after the Seder. Call your sister in NJ and break the news to her. I just can't bear to talk about it anymore."
A half hour later, Morris receives a call from his daughter who tells him that she and her brother were able to get tickets and that they and the children will be arriving in Florida the day after tomorrow. "Benny told me That you don't want to talk about it on the telephone, but promise me that you won't do anything until we both get there."
Morris promises. After hanging up from his daughter, Morris turns to his wife and says, "Well Sahna, it worked this time, but what are we going to going to do next time to get them to come home for the hoildays?"
Grandma's Prescription RX
An elderly woman went into the doctor's office. When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, "I'd like to have some birth control pills."
Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you're 72 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?"
The woman responded, "They help me sleep better."
The doctor thought some more and continued, "How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?"
The woman said, "I put them in my granddaughter's orange juice every morning and I sleep better at night."
Drunk?
You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence?? - I think not!
Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem!
You can focus better with one eye closed.
The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
You fall off the floor...
At AA meetings you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..."
Don't recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass.
That damned pink elephant followed me home again.
I'm as jober as a sudge.
The shrubbery's drunk from too frequent watering.
Divine Press Release
Turmoil rocked Heaven this morning as allegations arose that God had had an affair with a former worshipper. The scandal was begun when a 21 year old woman, known only as Mary, claimed that she had given birth to God's "only son" last week in a barn in the hamlet of Bethlehem.
Sources close to Mary claim that she "had loved God for a long time", that she was constantly talking about her relationship with God, and that she was "thrilled to have had his child." In a press conference this morning, God issued a vehement denial, saying that "No sexual relationship existed", and that "the facts of this story will come out in time,verily".
Independent counsel Kenneth Beelzebub immediately filed a brief with the Justice department to expand his investigation to cover questions of whether any commandments may have been broken, and whether God had illegally funneled laundered money to his illegitimate child through three foreign operatives know only as the "Wise Men". Beelzebub has issued subpoenas to several angels who are rumored to have acted as go-betweens in the affair.
Critics have pointed out that these allegations have little to do with the charges that Beezlebub was originally appointed to investigate, that God had created large-scale flooding in order to cover up evidence of a failed land deal.
In recent months, Beelzebub's investigation has already been expanded to cover questions surrounding the large number of locusts that plagued God's political opponents in the last election, as well as to claims that the destruction of the cities of Sodom and Gomorrah was to divert attention away from a scandal involving whether the giveaway of a parcel of public
land in Promised County to a Jewish special interest group was quid pro quo for political contributions. If these allegations prove to be true, then this could be a huge blow to God's career, much of which has been spent crusading for stricter moral standards and harsher punishments for wrongdoers. Indeed, God recently outlined a "tough-on-crime" plan consisting of a series of 10 "Commandments", which has been introduced in Congress in a bill by Rep. Moses. Critics of the bill have pointed out that it lacks any provisions for the rehabilitation of criminals, and lawyers for the ACLU are planning to fight the "Name in Vain" Commandment as being an unconstitutional restriction on free speech.
The B-School Student's Anthem
(song sung to the tune of Hotel California !!!)
***********************************************
In a dark deserted room,
Oil in my hair.
Warm smell of unwashed socks,
Rising up through the air.
Up ahead on my PC...
I saw a shimmering light
My head grew heavy and my sight grew dim,
I had to work through the night.
As he stood in the doorway,
I heard the 8:00 clock bells.
And I was thinking to myself,
'two years of work ex -But still, this could be hell'
Then he picked up my paper,
And he gave me an 'D'.
there were voices down the corridor,
Thought I heard them say,
'Welcome to the world of academia
Such a lovely place, such a lovely place, such a lovely phase.
Plenty of room at the world of academia,
Any time of year, any time of year, you can get screwed out here.'
My mind was stiff and a-twisted,
The coursework never seemed to end.
Got a lot of glassy genius boys,
That we call friends.
How they crammed in the library,
Sweet summer sweat.
Some mugged to remember,
Some mugged to forget.
So I called my professor,
'Please give me an A '
He said 'We've never had such a policy here
Boy, you really make my day'
And now those students keep calling from .. far away,
Waking up in the middle of the night,
Just to hear them say
'Welcome to the world of academia,
Such a lovely place, such a lovely place, such a lovely phase
Livin' it up at the world of academia
We don't mean to cheat, we don't mean to cheat,
where's your answers sheet?
One year was my ceiling,
Then came some advice.
He said 'We are all just prisoners here
Failed Naru's Man Acc twice'
In the Professors chambers,
The Project committee,
They quiz him with their steely glares
And he can't get his 'B'.
Last thing I remember,
I was running for the door.
I had to find a passage back
To the place I was before.
'Relax', said the chairman,
'Til some results we receive.
You can drop outta any course you like
But you can never leave.'
Top 25 Engineers' Terms and Expressions
What they say versus what they mean...
1. A number of different approaches are being tried. (We are still guessing at this point.)
2. Close project coordination. (We sat down and had coffee together.)
3. An extensive report is being prepared on a fresh approach. (We just hired three punk kids out of school.)
4. Major technological breakthrough! (It works OK; but looks very hi-tech!)
5. Customer satisfaction is believed assured. (We are so far behind schedule, that the customer will take anything.)
6. Preliminary operational tests were inconclusive. (The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch.)
7. Test results were extremely gratifying! (Unbelievable, it actually worked!)
8. The entire concept will have to be abandoned. (The only guy who understood the thing quit.)
9. It is in process. (It is so wrapped in red tape that the situation is completely hopeless.)
10. We will look into it. (Forget it! We have enough problems already.)
11. Please note and initial. (Let's spread the responsibility for this.)
12. Give us the benefit of your thinking. (We'll listen to what you have to say as long as it doesn't interfere with what we have already done or with what we are going to do.)
13. Give us your interpretation. (We can't wait to hear your baloney.)
14. See me or let's discuss. (Come to my office, I've screwed up again.)
15. All new. (Parts are not interchangeable with previous design.)
16. Rugged. (Don't plan to lift it without major equipment.)
17. Robust! (Rugged, but more so)
18. Light weight. (Slightly lighter than rugged)
19. Years of development. (One finally worked)
20. Energy saving. (Achieved when the power switch is off.)
21. No maintenance. (Impossible to fix)
22. Low maintenance. (Nearly impossible to fix)
23. Fax me the data. (I'm too lazy to write it down.)
24. We are following the standard! (That's the way we have always done it!)
25. I didn't get your e-mail.
Two carrots were walking down the road when a huge truck slammed into one of them. An ambulance was called and they rushed the little fellow off to the hospital where he immediately went into hours of surgery.
Finally the doctor emerged and approached the other carrot who had been anxiously awaiting in the waiting room. "Tell me" said the carrot, "how is he?"
The doctor replied, "He's going to live, but he'll be a vegetable for the rest of his life."
Elementary!
Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, the creator of the world-famous detective, Sherlock Holmes, was not above telling tales about himself in which he was the laughing-stock. Here is one of those stories. As he tells it, he was waiting at a taxi- stand outside the railway station in Paris. When a taxi pulled up, he put his
suitcase in it and got in himself. As he was about to tell the taxi-driver where he wanted to go, the driver asked him: ``Where can I take you, Mr. Doyle?'' Doyle was flabbergasted. He asked the driver whether he knew him by sight. The driver said: ``No Sir, I have never seen you before.'' The puzzled Doyle asked him what made him think that he was Conan Doyle. The driver replied: ``This morning's paper had a story about you being on vacation in Marseilles. This is the taxi-stand where people who return from Marseilles always come to. Your skin colour tells me you have been on vacation. The ink-spot on your right index finger suggests to me that you are a writer. Your clothing is very English, and not French. Adding up all those pieces of information, I deduce that you are Sir Arthur Conan Doyle.'' Doyle said: ``This is truly amazing. You are a real-life counter-part to my fictional creation, Sherlock Holmes. ``There is one other thing,'' the driver said. ``What is that?'' ``Your name is on the front of your suitcase.''
A motorist, after being bogged down in a muddy road, paid a passing farmer five dollars to pull him out with his tractor. After he was back on dry ground he said to the farmer, "At those prices, I should think you would be pulling people out of the mud night and day."
"Can't replied the farmer. "At night I haul water for the hole."
There is an Irish man getting ready to jump to his death from a bridge when a Priest walks past. The man turns to the Priest and says, "Don't try to stop me father, I'm going to jump."
"Don't jump!" says the Priest, "It can't be that bad. Think of the life you have yet to live."
"That's one of the reasons I'm jumping!" Says the man.
"Well if that won't stop you, think about your family!" says the Priest.
"That's another reason!" says the man.
"Well think about your job!" says the Priest.
"There's another reason!" says the man.
"Well if that won't stop you think about St. Patrick!" says the Priest.
"Who's that?" asks the man.
"Jump, you Protestant bastard!"
"Nanna Hall ticket yelli?" - I screamed at my mom. If anything is missing, I always shout at my mother."nenne nanna room clean madthini andhiyalla - eege yenu sigalla". My mom, knowing that I had an exam did not hit back but found the hall ticket. It was 7:15 and I could not eat the chapati and alugadde palya - I was a nervous wreck. All the questions about Control systems - Bode plots, Nyquist criterion, root locus - all seemed to fade away. I was blank. blank. "Yella husharu" I heard as I started the luna.
As I drove thru the lush green IISc campus, I saw my class mates walking towards the gate. They waved at me. I turned into Margosa road, the girls at that Ammani college started to laugh and giggle at me or rather at my mangled up hair. The luna suddenly started sputtering. I reached down and switched it to reserve. Shocked, I realized it was already in reserve. 7:25 - exam starts at 8 and I am not even at the Malleswaram bus stand and out of petrol. What is worse these cursed girls are laughing at me. I pushed that button on the back wheel to switch to a cycle and started to pedal furiously. There was a "down hill" coming on the road after the bus stand. I cursed the speed breakers near 15th cross. I was sweating and my hands were completely greased out after fiddling with the luna. I looked up and saw the bus - 41 going towards KR Circle. My class mates again waved at me. How could they be so heartless ?
I knew that if I did not make it before 8:30, I would not be allowed to take the test. My mind was racing, if I could just get to the college and answer two questions I might get 35 and pass. The petrol bunk had a long line. What were all these people doing at 7:50?. I got out of the petrol bunk by 8:10 and sped to UVCE. Ramesha at the cycle stand was not his usual friendly self, I had no time to ask him why. I raced up the stairs. They had rearranged all the rooms and seats !
At this point, I just wished I would just get washed away in my sweat. I got into the right room. Everyone was scribbling away - I almost tore the main answer sheet writing down my hall ticket number. I looked at the question paper and the first question - " List all the differences between a depth first search and breadth first search .... " It was the Data Structures Exam !! I looked around and Rahul, Sekhar smiled at me and kept writing. I let out a scream.
My wife asked "yen aaythu ?" I woke up in a sweat, years later and miles away from UVCE in Dallas. I laughed at my nightmare and marvelled at the human mind. I also remembered one of the funniest exam related dreams my friend Rahul had. Rahul told me he received his GRE scores in the dream and those scores were in hexadecimal !!. It is funny how all my exam related experiences are only those in Bangalore and none here in Dallas.
A guy walks into a bar one day, sits down, and claims he knows everyone in the world. The guy sitting next to him says "I don't believe you do you know me?" The first guy says , "Sure Phil, we met two years ago at a convention - my name is Tony - remember?" The second guy says "Okay, I remember, but I still don't believe you know everyone". So he asks Tony if he knows the bartender. Tony and the bartender, of course, go way back. The bartender confirms this. Phil tries to think of someone Tony couldn't possibly know. So he says to Tony, "Do you know Bill Clinton?" Tony replies "Oh yeah, Bill and I smoked dope back at Oxford together." To prove it, he calls Bill Clinton on the President's private line. The two have a 20 minute conversation before hanging up. Phil is now determined to come up with someone Tony would never be able to know. This time he says, "How about the Pope?" The only way to prove this of course is to go to the Vatican. Tony and Phil get on a plane and fly to the Vatican. At the Vatican, Tony requests an audience with the Pope, and much to Phil's surprise, is immediately granted one. Tony goes inside and a few minutes later appears on the balcony with the Pope. They seem like old friends. Looking out into the crowd, Tony sees Phil faint. He runs down to him and asks what happened.
"Well," said Phil, "I could believe you knew the bartender. I could believe you knew Bill Clinton. But when I saw you and the Pope on the balcony and the guy next to me said 'Who's that guy up there with Tony?', that was too much."
He-- It's coming up on your birthday and I'd like some idea of what you would like for your birthday.
She-- I want a divorce!!
Pause-- He-- I'm really sorry, but I hadn't planned to spend that much.
Desi Dictionary:
Mother-in law:
In Des-A women capable of making your life miserable.
In Pardes- A women you never fight with, because where else you will
find such a dedicated baby sitter for free?
Husband: In Des- A boring human species, who listens more to his mother than you, and orders you around to serve him, his parents and siblings.
In Pardes- Still boring, but now a useful human species that comes in handy when the house needs to be vacuumed, the laundry folded, the lawn maintained, the basement finished (etc....need I go on?).
Friend:
In Des- A person who's house you can drop into any time of the day or night and you'll always be welcome
In Pardes: A person who you have to call first to check and make sure he is not busy.
Wife:
In Des- A woman who gives you your underwear and towel when you go
to take shower
In Pardes- A woman who yells at you not to leave tub dirty when you go to take bath.
Son:
In Des: A teenager, who without asking will carry your grocery bags
from the market.
In Pardes: A teenager, who suddenly remembers he has lot of home work when you start mowing the lawn.
Daughter:
InDes- A lovely doll, who brings tears to your eyes when her doli is
about to leave.
In Pardes-A lovely doll, who brings you to tears long before any doli time
Mother:
In Des-A woman who defends you and cares for you, but would not dare to go against your father's wishes for you.
In Pardes-A women who is a sucker for anything you want, especially
if dad's against it.
Father:
In Des- A person you are afraid of, and who is never to be disobeyed
In Pardes:- A person to whom you pretend to obey, after all he is the one paying your college tuition.
Desi Engineer:
In Des-A person with a respectable job and lots of upper ki kamai.
In Pardes: A person without a secure job, who always dreams one day he will be rich
Desi Doctor:
In Des: A respectable person with reasonably good income.
In pardes:A money making machine, who has a money spending machine
at home called "doctor di biwi".
Bhangra:
In Des- A vigorous punjabi festival dance
In Pardes: A desi dance you do, when you don't know how to dance.
hi, here's an interesting letter from a daughter to her loving parents
Dear Mom
It has now been three months since I left for college. I have been remiss in writing this and I am very sorry for my thoughtlessness in not having written before. I will bring you up-to-date now, but before you read on, please sit down. YOU ARE NOT TO READ ANY FURTHER UNLESS YOU ARE SITTING DOWN. OKAY?
Well, then, I am getting along pretty well now. The skull fracture and the concussion I got when I jumped out of the window of my dormitory when it caught fire shortly after my arrival are pretty much healed now. I only get those migraine headaches once a day.
Fortunately the fire in the dormitory and my jump were witnessed by an attendant at the gas station near the dorm, and he was the one who called the fire department and the ambulance. He also visited me at the hospital and since I had nowhere to live, because of the burned out dormitory, he was kind enough to invite me to share his apartment with him. It's really a basement room, but it's kind of cute. He is a very fine boy and we have fallen deeply in love and are planning to be married. We haven't set the exact date yet, but it will be before my pregnancy begins to show.
Yes, Mother and Dad, I am pregnant. I know how much you are looking forward to being grandparents and I know you will welcome the baby and give it the love,devotion and tender care you gave me when I was a child. The reason for the delay in our marriage is that my boyfriend has some minor infection which prevents us from passing our premarital blood tests and I carelessly caught it from him. This will soon clear up with the penicillin injections I take daily.
I know you will welcome him into our family with open arms. He is kind and although not well-educated, he is ambitious. Although he is of a different race and religion than ours, I trust that your oft-expressed tolerance will not permit you to be bothered by the fact that his skin color and radical beliefs are totally the opposite of ours. His family background is slightly different too, for I am told that his father is an important smuggler and gun-runner in the village from which he came. I know that you will love him as much as I do.
Now that I have brought you up-to-date, I want to tell you that there was no dormitory fire, I did not have a concussion or a skull fracture. I was not in the hospital, I am not pregnant, I am not engaged. I do not have syphilis and there is no man (or woman) in my life. However, I am getting a `D' in History and an `F' in Science and I wanted you to see those marks in the proper perspective.
Your Loving Daughter
A shop was burgled and the police began the investigation. To their dismay there was no witness but for a drunk. The drunk promised that he had witnessed the crime and he could be of use. "I saw everything" he said "A big van drove up and two men unloaded an elephant. It smashed the window with its trunk, the men carried all the things, the elephant got back to the van and they all drove off".
Police didn't even believe a single word. They asked him sarcastically "Was it an Indian elephant or an African one?; the
Indian elephant has small ears" "Sorry, I couldn't see" said the drunk "It had a mask over its head".
---
Satan phoned St. Peter and challenged him to a football game, Heaven against Hell. "Okay," said St. Peter. "But as I am very honest, I must tell you that all the best players that ever were are here in Heaven, so you're going to lose." "Never mind," replied the devil. "I have all the referees here in Hell".
---
Pope finally finished his duties on earth and it was his day to go to Heaven. He was welcomed by St. Peter and soon it was dinner time. While St. Peter was preparing dinner Pope wanted to have a glance of Hell and he was permitted to do so. In Hell there was a big banquet with all the good items one can eat. 'Even in Hell there is such a lavish food, so it must be still better in Heaven' thought the Pope. But when he turned back he found that St. Peter is having a couple of bread slices and jam. He asked St.Peter why it is so simple. 'Just for two people we can't afford to cook all those things' - came the reply.
---
Now it was Nehru in Heaven. He requested God that he would like to visit Hell. In Hell he saw Hitler in a boiling oil tub, Musolini being beaten with a lash. He was satisfied with the kind of punishment the bad people get, until he saw Marilyn Munro sitting on the lap of Gandhi. He got angry and asked God why such a punishment to Gandhi. 'Punishment is for her' said God.
" The Window "
Two men, both seriously ill, occupied the same hospital room. One man was allowed to sit up in his bed for an hour each afternoon to help drain the fluid from his lungs. His bed was next to the room's only window. The other man had to spend all his time flat on his back.
The men talked for hours on end. They spoke of their wives and families, their homes, their jobs, their involvement in the military service, where they had been on vacation. And very afternoon when the man in the bed by the window could sit up, he would pass the time by describing to his roommate all the things he could see outside the window. The man in the other bed began to live for those one-hour periods where his world would be broadened and enlivened by all the activity and color of the outside world.
The window overlooked a park with a lovely lake, the man said. Ducks and swans played on the water while children sailed their model boats. Lovers walked arm in arm amid flowers of every color of the rainbow. Grand old trees graced the landscape, and a fine view of the city skyline could be seen in the distance. As the man by the window described all this in exquisite detail, the man on the other side of the room would close his eyes and imagine the picturesque scene.
One warm afternoon the man by the window described a parade passing by. Although the other man couldn't hear the band, he could see it in his mind's eye as the gentleman by the window portrayed it with descriptive words. Unexpectedly, an alien thought entered his head:
Why should he have all the pleasure of seeing everything while I never get to see anything ?
It didn't seem fair. As the thought fermented the man felt ashamed at first. But as the days passed and he missed seeing more sights, his envy eroded into resentment and soon turned him sour. He began to brood and he found himself unable to sleep. He should be by that window - that thought now controlled his life.
Late one night as he lay staring at the ceiling, the man by the window began to cough. He was choking on the fluid in his lungs. The other man watched in the dimly lit room as the struggling man by the window groped for the button to call for help. Listening from across the room he never moved, never pushed his own button which would have brought the nurse running. In less than five minutes the coughing and choking stopped, along with the sound of breathing. Now there was only silence ----- deathly silence.
The following morning the day nurse arrived to bring water for their baths. When she found the lifeless body of the man by the window, she was saddened and called the hospital attendants to take it away – no works, no fuss. As soon as it seemed appropriate, the other man asked if he could be moved next to the window. The nurse was happy to make the switch, and after making sure he was comfortable, she left him alone.
Slowly, painfully, he propped himself up on one elbow to take his first look. Finally, he would have the joy of seeing it all himself. He strained to slowly turn to look out the window beside the bed.
It faced a blank wall.
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The little first-grader came home from his first holiday of school "Ain't going to go to school tomorrow, Mom" he announced "Why not, dear?" his mother asked "Well, I can't read and I can't write and the teacher won't let me talk, so what's the use?"
A little boy was pestering an air line stewardess. Finally, in desperation, she opened a door and said: " All right, go out and play."
"Have I told you about my grandchildren?"
"No, and I appreciate it."
Boss to Secretary: "I've got to call home. Send my daughter a telegram to get off the phone."
"Integrity and wisdom are essential to success in every business," said the boss to a new employee. "By integrity I mean that when you promise a customer something, you must keep that promise even if you lose money." "And what is wisdom?" asked the new man "Don't make such fool promises."
Judge: "Have you ever been in trouble before?"
Gangster: "Only once, your honor, when I robbed my kid brother's bank."
Judge: "Well, now, that couldn't have been too serious"
Policeman: " I'd better explain, your honor, that his young brother is president of the Reliable National Bank."
"Say, Bill I think I saw your wife downtown today. She was trying to park between two trucks"
"Did she make it?"
"Yes"
"Then it wasn't my wife"
Said the hired man: "I've been with you 25 years, and I've never asked you for a raise before"
Retorted the farmer: "That is why you've been here 25 years"
Hiker: "Can I catch the 6:45 if I cut through this field of yours?"
Farmer:"If my bull sees you, you might catch the 6:15"
Employer: "Have you any references?"
Applicant:"No, Sir, I tore them up."
Employer: "That was a foolish thing to do"
Applicant: "You wouldn't think so if you had read them."
1. "Your future depends on your dreams" So go to sleep !
2. There should be a better way to start a day than waking up every morning !
3. "ALCOHOL KILLS SLOWLY" So what ? Who's in a hurry ?
4. "Hard work never killed anybody" But why take the risk (I don't want to be an exception!)
5. "Work fascinates me" I can look at it for hours !
6. God made relatives; Thank God we can choose our friends.
7. My girlfriend ran away with my best friend and I really miss him!!
8. I live in a very liberal town. They just changed the name of a street from "LOVER'S LANE" to "SEX DRIVE"
9. God is Alive! Speak to Him!! (It's cheaper after nine !)
10. When two's company, three's the result!
11. A dress should be like a barbed fence; It should protect the premises without restricting the view !
12. Being sexy is a hard job for me; but somebody has to do it!
13. Love is photogenic; it needs darkness to develop.
14. A good discussion is like a miniskirt; Short enough to sustain interest and long enough to cover the subject!
15. Children in backseats cause accidents; Accidents in backseats cause children!
16. A girl is like a road; the more curves she has the more dangerous she is!
17. Days and years do not mean anything to me. Moments shared are frozen in their time frame. Distance or time never fades them for me. I cherish them like my life. I have never let them sleep alone.
Through the center of Czechoslovakia there's a train speeding along. In one compartment of the train there are four people.
- A beautiful vivacious young woman,
- an old matronly woman,
- a Russian soldier, and
- a Czech dissident.
Suddenly the train goes through a tunnel. It is completely dark. Then is heard a loud kiss and an equally powerful slap.
When the train exits the tunnel, the Russian soldier is holding the side of his face, and the Czech dissident is grinning his face off.
The old matronly woman thinks : "Now that's a fine young woman, the Russian soldier tries to steal a kiss in the tunnel and the lady slaps him one!"
The young woman is thinking : "Now that's a strange Russian soldier, he'd rather kiss that old hag than me."
The Russian soldier is thinking : "Now that's a smart Czech, he steals the kiss and I get slapped."
And the Czech dissident is thinking : "Gee I'm smart! We go through the tunnel, I kiss the back of my hand and get away with slapping a Russian soldier.
Top Ten Ways You Know You Are A Desi Engineer
10. You have ever taken the back off your TV just to see what's inside.
9. You're aware that computers are actually only good for playing games.
8. You rotate your screen savers more frequently than your car tires.
7. You still own a slide rule and you know how to work it.
6. You have more friends on the Internet than in real life.
5. Your IQ is lower than your weight.
4. You stare at an orange juice container because it says CONCENTRATE.
3. You can remember seven computer passwords but not your anniversary.
2. Your wife hasn't got the foggiest idea what you do at work.
1. You introduce your wife as mylady@wife.home.
******************************************************************
YOU KNOW YOU'RE READY TO GRADUATE WHEN..
1. You ask the waiter what the restaurant's core competencies are.
2. You decide to re-org your family into a " team-based organization."
3. You refer to dating as test marketing.
4. You can spell "paradigm."
5. You actually know what a paradigm is.
6. You understand your airline's fare structure.
7. You write executive summaries on your love letters.
8. You think that it's actually efficient to write a ten page paper with six other people you don't know.
9. You believe every company is "a traditional functional organization, with promotion based on tenure, but one that needs to change as it is facing ever increasing competition..."
10. You believe that a company's problems are never caused by an "ineffective handling of an administrative situation."
11. You believe you never have any problems in your life, just "issues" and "improvement opportunities."
12. You know every single piece of clip art in PowerPoint.
13. You calculate your own personal cost of capital.
14. You explain to your bank manager that you prefer to think of yourself as "highly leveraged" as opposed to "in debt."
15. You ask your bank manager if she has heard of "Modigliani-Miller," and then you ask her if she has a pizza so you can show her.
16. You can explain to somebody the difference between "re-engineering," "down-sizing," "right-sizing," and "firing people's arses."
17. You actually believe your explanation in number 15.
18. You start doing your kid's math equations in reverse Polish notation.
19. You enjoy using an HP-12C.
20. You refer to your previous life as "my sunk cost."
21. Your three meals a day are a morning consumption function, a noontime consumption function, and an evening consumption function.
22. You refer to your significant other as "my co-CEO."
23. Your favorite stories begin "Bob Jones, VP of marketing, sat at his desk and stared out his window..."
24. You like both types of sandwiches: ham and turkey.
25. You believe CAPM is just as important as the Theory of Relativity.
26. You believe CAPM.
27. You start to feel sorry for Dilbert's boss.
28. You believe the best tables and graphs take an hour to comprehend.
29. You refer to divorce as "divestiture.."
30. Your favorite artist is the one who does the dot drawings for the Wall Street Journal.
31. None of your favorite publications have cartoons.
32. You account for your tuition as a capital expenditure instead of an expense.
33. You insist that you do some more market research before you and your spouse produce another child.
33. At your last family reunion, you wanted to have an emergency meeting about their brand equity.
34. You always call your mechanic before you start your car to see if it will blow up given the day's weather conditions...
35. ...and expect him to use a decision tree to work it out.
36. You've decided the only way to afford a house is to call your fellow alumni and offer to name a room after them, if they'll help with the down payment.
37. You refer to your job rejections as the idiosyncratic risk you face.
38. You use the term "value-added" without falling down laughing.
39. You ask the car salesman if the car comes with a whiteboard and Internet connection.
40. You give constructive feedback to your dog
41. "We're out of beer" is starting to wear thin as an excuse to get out of a meeting.
42. You really, really don't need another pair of Tevas.
43. The pre-approved credit cards have stopped filling up your mailbox.
44. The gaping hole in your mailbox will be replaced by bills.
45. Your golf/ultimate/table tennis/backgammon game can't get any better.
46. Your e-mail inbox just broke through the psychological 5,000 ceiling.
47. You think about things in terms of "psychological ceilings."
48. You tire of "nap" or "Oprah" being the only two branches on your decision tree.
49. It's becoming increasingly difficult to keep a straight face when you introduce yourself as a "graduate student" at parties.
50. Your attendance record at consumption functions is better than your attendance records at classes.
51. You greet Dean Hasler with a hearty "Yo, Billy!"
52. You think you deserve an "A" in a class even though you didn't attend and had a first year write your term project.
53. You refer to drinking in public as a networking opportunity.
54. You no longer attend events that offer free pizza, on principle.
55. The first section of the Wall Street Journal you read is C.
56. You actually get the jokes in the Economist.
57. There is no reason 57.
58. You come up with a five page internal transfer pricing mechanism with your roommates for the food and drink in your fridge.
59. You brainstorm your shopping list.
60. You find this list funny.
Attached is some correspondence which actually occurred between a London hotel's staff and one of its guests. The London hotel involved submitted this to the Sunday Times. No name was mentioned.
Dear Maid,
Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my
bathroom since I have brought my own bath-sized Dial. Please remove the six unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest and another three in the shower soap dish. They are in my way.
Thank you,
S. Berman
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Dear Room 635,
I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow, Thursday, from her day off. I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap dish as you requested. The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your way and put on top of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should change your mind. This leaves only the 3 bars I left today which my instructions from the management is to leave 3 soaps daily. I hope this is satisfactory.
Kathy, Relief Maid
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Dear Maid,
I hope you are my regular maid. Apparently Kathy did not tell you about my note to her concerning the little bars of soap. When I got back to my room this evening I found you had added 3 little Camays to the shelf under my medicine cabinet. I am going to be here in the hotel for two weeks and have brought my own bath-size Dial so I won't need those 6 little Camays which are on the shelf. They are in my way when shaving, brushing teeth, etc. Please remove them.
S. Berman
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Dear Mr. Berman,
My day off was last Wed. so the relief maid left 3 hotel soaps which we are instructed by the management. I took the 6 soaps which were in your way on the shelf and put them in the soap dish where your Dial was. I put the Dial in the medicine cabinet for your convenience. I didn't remove the 3 complimentary soaps which are always placed inside the medicine cabinet for all new check-ins and which you did not object to when you checked in last Monday. Please let me know if I can of further assistance.
Your regular maid, Dotty
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Dear Mr. Berman,
The assistant manager, Mr. Kensedder, informed me this A.M. that you called him last evening and said you were unhappy with your maid service. I have assigned a new girl to your room. I hope you will accept my apologies for any past inconvenience. If you have any future complaints please contact me so I can give it my personal attention. Call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM. Thank you.
Elaine Carmen, Housekeeper
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Dear Miss Carmen,
It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel for business at 745 AM and don't get back before 530 or 6PM. That's the reason I called Mr. Kensedder last night. You were already off duty. I only asked Mr. Kensedder if he could do anything about those little bars of soap. The new maid you assigned me must have thought I was a new check-in today, since she left another 3 bars of hotel soap in my medicine cabinet along with her regular delivery of 3 bars on the bath-room shelf. In just 5 days here I have accumulated 24 little bars of soap. Why are you doing this to me?
S. Berman
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Dear Mr. Berman,
Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering soap to your room and remove the extra soaps. If I can be of further assistance, please call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM. Thank you,
Elaine Carmen, Housekeeper
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Dear Mr. Kensedder,
My bath-size Dial is missing. Every bar of soap was taken from my room including my own bath-size Dial. I came in late last night and had to call the bellhop to bring me 4 little Cashmere Bouquets.
S. Berman
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Dear Mr. Berman,
I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your soap problem. I cannot understand why there was no soap in your room since our maids are instructed to leave 3 bars of soap each time they service a room. The situation will be rectified immediately. Please accept my apologies for the inconvenience.
Martin L. Kensedder, Assistant Manager
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Dear Mrs. Carmen,
Who the hell left 54 little bars of Camay in my room? I came in last night and found 54 little bars of soap. I don't want 54 little bars of Camay. I want my one damn bar of bath-size Dial. Do you realize I have 54 bars of soap in here. All I want is my bath size Dial. Please give me back my bath-size Dial.
S. Berman
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Dear Mr. Berman,
You complained of too much soap in your room so I had them removed. Then you complained to Mr. Kensedder that all your soap was missing so I personally returned them. The 24 Camays which had been taken and the 3 Camays you are supposed to receive daily (sic). I don't know anything about the 4 Cashmere Bouquets. Obviously your maid, Kathy, did not know I had returned your soaps so she also brought 24 Camays plus the 3 daily Camays. I don't know where you got the idea this hotel issues bath-size Dial. I was able to locate some bath-size Ivory which I left in your room.
Elaine Carmen, Housekeeper
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mrs. Carmen,
Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap inventory. As of today I possess:
On shelf under medicine cabinet - 18 Camay in 4 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.
On Kleenex dispenser - 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 3.
On bedroom dresser - 1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet, 1 stack of 4 hotel-size
Ivory, and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4.
Inside medicine cabinet - 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.
In shower soap dish - 6 Camay, very moist.
On northeast corner of tub - 1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly used.
On northwest corner of tub - 6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3.
Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the stacks are neatly piled and dusted. Also, please advise her that stacks of more than 4 have a tendency to tip. May I suggest that my bedroom window sill is not in use and will make an excellent spot for future soap deliveries. One more item, I have purchased another bar of bath-sized Dial which I am keeping in the hotel vault in order to avoid further misunderstandings.
S. Berman
Top ten shows on Doordarshan
TOP TEN SHOWS ON DOORDARSHAN
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
10. Feel of Fortune (Sharad Pawar)(Not to be confused with 'Wheel of Fortune').
9. Price is Rice (NTR) (Not to be confused with 'Price is Right').
8. Jeopardy (Narasimha Rao).
7. National Zoographic Special (Janata Dal Party). (Not to be confused with 'National Geographic Special).
6. Days of our Knives (Lalloo Prasad Yadav)(Not to be confused with 'Days of our Lives').
5. Fight Court (Congress Parliamentary Party)(Not to be confused with 'Night Court')
4. Beauty and the Beast (Sonia Gandhi and Arjun Singh)
3. Unsolved Histories (LAdvani and friends)(Not to be confused with 'Unsolved Mysteries')
2. India's Funniest Home Video (Jaya Lalitha)
............and the Emmy goes to....................
#1. Oh Jee! Chimps-on-Trial (Bal Thackrey and party).
(Not to be confused with O. J. Simpson Trial)
The man and the bear
--------------------
--
One day a diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 ft below sea level. He noticed a guy at the same depth he was, but he had on no scuba gear whatsoever.
The diver went down another 20 ft, but the guy joined him a few minutes later. The diver went down another 25 ft, but minutes later, the same guy joined him. This confused the diver, took out a waterproof chalk-and-board set, and wrote, "How the hell are you able to stay under this deep without equipment?"
The guy took the board and chalk, erased what the diver had written, and wrote, "I'M DROWNING, YOU MORON!!!"
There was an engineer, manager and programmer driving down a steep mountain road.
The brakes failed and the car careened down the road out of control.
Half way down the driver managed to stop the car by running it against the embankment narrowing avoiding going over a cliff. They all got out, shaken by their narrow escape from death, but otherwise unharmed.
The manager said "To fix this problem we need to organize a committee, have meetings, and through a process of continuous improvement, develop a solution."
The engineer said "No that would take too long, and besides that method never worked before. I have my trusty pen knife here and will take apart the brake system, isolate the problem and correct it."
The programmer said "I think your both wrong! I think we should all push the car back up the hill and see if it happens again."
By this certificate know ye that.......
Why is it that when most people drive everyone going slower than they are is a moron, and those going faster are maniacs?
LADY DRIVERS
A lady driver was stopped by a motorcycle cop and said to him bitterly, "If I was speeding, so were you!"
The clerk at the motor vehicle bureau asked the lady applicant, "Have you ever diven before?" The lady said, "Fifty thousand miles, but not from the front seat!"
One lady driver said it all. "The thing I hate most about parking is that noisy crash!"
HOW INDEED
My daughter asked me one time, "Daddy, before you married Mommie, who told you how to drive?"
NEVER TOUCHED HER
A policeman arrives at the scene of what looks like a bad accident.
There's a pedestrian lying, unmoving, in the crosswalk. The driver of the car nearby says, "I swear, I never touched her. I saw her at the crosswalk and came to a complete stop. I smiled and waved for her to cross, and she fainted."
A BIRD-WATCHER'S GUIDE TO MOTORISTS
Gleeful Splatter-dasher: Loves to douse pedestrians.
Head-turning Chatterbird: Seldom keeps his eyes front.
Hill-passing Swift: Ignores "No Passing" signs on hills.
Migratory Weaverbird: Constantly jumps lanes in traffic.
Ruffle-fendered Tail-gater: Bears marks of too-close contact.
Addlepated Honker: Always sounds off without reason.
Nocturnal Dimwit: Drives in the dark with parking lights.
Torpid Highway Creeper: A menace to all other road runners.
One-eyed Nighthawk: Ignores his burned-out headlight.
Gawking Booby: Gazes around while driving. [A species related to the Head-turning Chatterbird, above]
Crosswalk Creeper: Can't resist cheating on the takeoff.
Unfortunately, these species are not extinct, so while you're driving, keep a sharp lookout for these birds -- and be sure no one thinks you're one of them.
Economics is extremely useful as a form of employment for economists.
A central banker walks into a pizzeria to order a pizza. When the pizza is done, he goes up to the counter get it. There a clerk asks him: "Should I cut it into six pieces or eight pieces?" The central banker replies: "I'm feeling rather hungry right now. You'd better cut it into eight pieces."
Three guys decide to play a round of golf: a priest, a psychologist, and an economist.
They get behind a *very* slow two-some, who, despite a caddy, are taking all day to line up their shots and four-putting every green, and so on. By the 8th hole, the three men are complaining loudly about the slow play ahead and swearing a blue streak, and so on. The priest says, "Holy Mary, I pray that they should take some lessons before they play again." The psychologist says, "I swear there are people that like to play golf slowly." The economist says, "I realy didnt expect to spend this much time playing a round of golf.
By the 9th hole, they have had it with slow play, so the psychologist goes to the caddy and demands that they be allowed to play through. The caddy says O.K., but then explains that the two golfers are blind, that both are retired firemen who lost their eyesight saving people in a fire, and that explains their slow play, and would they please not swear and complain so loud.
The priest is mortified; he says, "Here I am a man of the cloth and I've been swearing at the slow play of two blind men." The psychologist is also mortified; he says, "Here I am a man trained to help others with their problems and I've been complaining about the slow play of two blind men."
The economist ponders the situation-finally he goes back to the caddy and says, "Listen, the next time could they play at night."
A physicist, a chemist and an economist are stranded on an island, with nothing to eat. A can of soup washes ashore. The physicist says, "Lets smash the can open with a rock." The chemist says, "Lets build a fire and heat the can first." The economist says, "Lets assume that we have a can-opener..."
Q: What's the difference between a finance major and an economics major?
A: Opportunity Cost
An economist, a philosopher, a biologist, and an architect were arguing about what was God's real profession. The philosopher said, "Well, first and foremost, God is a philosopher because he created the principles by which man is to live." "Ridiculous!" said the biologist "Before that, God created man and woman and all living things so clearly he was a biologist." "Wrong," said the architect. "Before that, he created the heavens and the earth. Before the earth, there was only complete confusion and chaos!" "Well," said the economist, "where do you think the chaos came from?"
The First Law of Economists:
For every economist, there exists an equal and opposite economist.
The Second Law of Economists:
They're both wrong.
pkm's existence theorem: for every finite set of answers there exists an infinite set of novel models
If all the economists were laid end to end
a) it would be a good thing
b) they would be more comfortable
c) they would never reach conclusion
d) all of the above
e) none of the above
f) they would point in different directions
Two economists are walking down the street. One sees a dollar lying on the sidewalk, and says so.
"Obviously not," says the other. "If there were, someone would have picked it up!"
PS. Replace the dollar with a relevant research idea and you get a new joke.
"Murphys law of economic policy": Economists have the least influence on policy where they know the most and are most agreed; they have the most influence on policy where they know the least and disagree most vehemently. - Alan S. Blinder
An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today.
A study of economics usually reveals that the best time to buy anything is last year. -- Marty Allen
Having a little inflation is like being a little pregnant--inflation feeds on itself and quickly passes the "little" mark.
I don't think you can spend yourself rich.
If all economists were laid end to end they would not reach a conclusion.
Practical men ... are usually the slaves of some defunct economist.
If you put two economists in a room, you get two opinions, unless one of them is Lord Keynes, in which case you get three opinions.
Shall I tell you the opinion of a famous economist on jealousy?
Jealousy is just the fact of being deprived. Nothing more.
Stephen M. Goldfeld, in The Journal of Money, Credit and Banking. November, 1984, p. 611: "An economist is someone who sees something working in practice and asks whether it would work in principle."
Economists don't answer to questions others make because they know what the answer is. They answer because they are asked.
There is also a joke about the last Mayday parade in the Soviet Union. After the tanks and the troops and the planes and the missiles rolled by there came ten men dressed in black.
"Are they Spies?" Asked Gorby?
"They are economists," replies the KGB director, "imagine the havoc they will wreak when we set them loose on the Americans"
The mathematician's child and the economist's child were in the third grade together, and the teacher asked, "If one man with one shovel can dig a ditch in ten days, how long would it take ten men with ten shovels to dig the same ditch?" Both children raised their hands.
The teacher said to the mathematician's child, "Johnny, how long?" and little Johnny v. said, "One day, teacher."
The teacher looked at the economist's child and said, "John Maynard, is that right?"
Little John Maynard said, "Teacher, it all depends."
"Having a house economist became for many business people something like having a resident astrologer for the royal court: I don't quite understand what this fellow is saying but there must be something to it." Linden.
And so it was to be, that after the waters receded, Noah commanded all the animals to "Go forth and multiply."
The ark quickly emptied, except for two small snakes, who stayed behind.
When Noah asked them why, they replied, "We can't multiply. We're adders."
Noah, being the resourceful man he was, immediately got busy cutting down trees and building a large table with the unfinished lumber therefrom.
And he saw that it was good.
The snakes were overjoyed when Noah picked them up and placed them on it.
Noah and the snakes both knew that even adders could multiply on a log table.
The only thing worse than being a bachelor is being a bachelor's son.
Every man needs a wife because there are a number of things that go wrong that one can not blame on the government.
Widows are not the only people who have late husbands.
For every guy who marries for money, there is a gal who marries for alimony.
Some men marry poor girls to settle down, and others marry rich ones to settle up.
Marriage is like a violin. After all the beautiful music is over, the strings are still attached.
Marriage may be made in heaven, but a lot of details have to be worked out here on earth.
The trouble with being best man at a wedding is that you get no chance to prove it.
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure that either the car or the wife is new.
First Comercial Ads after Lady Di's death:
-If she had been on a Volvo, she would still be alive.
-Kawasaki, we kick the shit out of any Mercedes.
-If you have to leave this world, do it with class, do it in a Mercedes Benz.
Veerappan strikes again.... ACT ONE
The forest brigand had succeeded in getting Rs.5 cr. from the Government and had released the forest personnel.
He doesn't want to buy guns and bombs.
He kidnaps a Marketing MBA from IIM-B and from him comes to know what is happening outside the forest. He doesn't want to be left behind in the 20th century while everybody else is moving towards the 21st century.
So he releases the MBA guy and starts a software company,VCS. Veerappan Consultancy Services. He smuggles PCs and opens up a Development centre right in the middle of the forest,where no sane software engineer would want to go. So his office remains empty. This irritates Veerappan. So he swears, "Daey...Naan thirundhi vaazhalaamnu paaththaak kooda vida maattaendreengaleda. Naan yaarungaradhai kaattaraenda"
[ U people wont let me live a reformed life, right. Well. I'll show u guys who I am ]
He starts his recruitment drive........
On his way from Hosur to B'lore he finds the board Electronics city. Before long he is inside Infosys. The time is 12'o clock in the night. But,as usual some guys are surfing the net with full speed. There are 5 of those unfortunate Infoscions....[ 5 guys lazily sitting before their terminals,wondering what else could be done in the internet. ]
Being a tough guy that he is,there is little trouble for him in collecting all of them and marching them out of the campus. [ All 5 of them trembling with fear,move out followed by Veerappan ]
There .... Yes.He takes one of the Infosys buses without sending a mail to TRANSPORT.[ Inside the bus....]
Guy1 : (looks curiously inside the bus...) So,this is how the bus looks inside
Guy2 : (Irritated) You fool..ur chat session is over. come to this world.
WE ARE BEING KIDNAPPED BY VEERAPPAN.
Guy1 : I know.But,i'm seeing the inside of this bus for the first time. I come by the 8.30 Jayanagar bus where u dont get a chance to see the inside.I feel Veerappan is a good guy.
Veerappan : KEEP QUIET or GET SOME BULLETS AND BE THROWN OUT ON THE HOSUR ROAD
Silence
Veerappan strikes again.... ACT TWO
___________________________________
5 Infoscions kidnapped by Veerappan and forced to work in VCS.
Meanwhile the police is busy trying to find out the location of the erstwhile sandalwood smuggler turned CEO,VCS.
The police commisioner gives an interview to the press...[Some voices of the journalists .......V1,V2..... and police commisioner PC is answering ]
V1 : How can u allow a criminal to start a company and recruit it by kidnapping professionals?
PC : We don't ALLOW him to open a company or kidnap people. But then he is not the kind of man who asks u permission for doing what he wants to do.
V2 : He is now the CEO of VCS.How can he do business hiding in the forest? Atleast for marketting reasons,he should come out of the forest and meet the customers. So some people think he is just doing the Bodyshopping part of the business.What is ur response?
PC : Well.I cannot speculate at this moment.But,off the record,i dont think he is such a cheap person.
V3 : With the kind of technology that u have at ur disposal,why is it not possible to nab that criminal?
PC : The thing that people forget is that he is not the old fashioned guy that he used to be.Now he also has the technology. And it is difficult to find informers who will give some useful information about the "Hiding industrialist".
V2 : Can u elaborate on that please ?
PC : It is like this.He has given free email facility and internet access to the people living nearby villages.Also he sends people who inform him about police movements to US for onsite assignments.So they wont help u. Also he is changing the IP address of his internet pc on a daily basis.The thing is now going High-tech.We need Engineers more than police officers to nab him.We are forming a committee consisting of S/W engineers from all the top companies.This is a slow process and takes time.
V1 : Are u planning to send the editor of Nakkeeran again to talk with him?
PC : Yes.I'll give u details once he meets Mr.Veerappan and returns with a floppy of his demands.
V2 : What is the condition of those 5 software professionals from Infosys who are now in his custody?
PC : I can assure u that they are safe and sending Weekly Activity Reports to their PLs in Infosys thru email.Soon we will recover them from Mr.Veerappan's custody so that they need not fill their WARs with unplanned activities.
V2 : Can u elaborate on the purpose of WARs?
PC : Well,I really dont know much on that.If u have no immediate plans of joining that company,it would do good to ur health if u stop worrying about it.
Veerappan strikes again.... ACT THREE
_____________________________________
History repeats.
Veerappan may be the CEO of VCS now. But,Gopal is still the poor editor of the tamil magazine 'Nakkeeran',selected by fate to meet Veerappan once again.
This time the meeting takes place in the AC conference room of Mr.Veerappan CEO,VCS. Veerappan is playing the sandalwood game on his pc. He lost the game......[ He takes his gun and shoots at the
monitor....BANG...BANG....]
"rendu state policekku thanni kaattinavandaa naan. yen kitta ushaaraa iru.puriyudhaa.. BANG...BANG...HAHAHA" [ I've tackled the police of two states.Be careful when dealing with me..Ok ]
Editor is shivering in fear. Veerappan keeps his gun away and greets his old time friend.
Ed : I want to see the hostages and i want to know ur conditions for releasing them.
V : I'll show u the hostages.Dont worry....... They are all happily exploring the internet. U see, the 64Kbps is really good. The guy who had done that deserves one or two tons of pure sandalwood.
Ed : So,u havent forgotten ur old business.
V : No.I'm just automating it.The hostages will tell u the details of the project. Come on.
[ The familiar cubicle architecture where the hostages,the erstwhile infoscions,feel at home,remembering occasionally that they were held as hostages.Otherwise it is the familiar thing.Reading their emails and playing solitaire / tetris happily without bothering about deadlines]
V : Hi guys...meet Mr.Gopal,editor of Nakkeeran.
Guy1 : Hi buddy...How's life out there ?
Ed : I thought i'd ask that question.
Guy2 : So,whaz up man..u want some help.
Ed : I thought u'll need some.
V : Ok boys.Have a chat with him while i'll go check my inbox. Expecting mail from Karunanidhi@tamilnadu.gov.
V leaves. All the guys gather around Editor.
Ed : I'll ask one by one.[ so it's one to one correspondence here after ]
Guy1 : This place is very bad.This moron doesn't know anything about computers.U have to save me from him.
Ed : Can u explain in detail ?
Guy1 : Sure.
Oneday..........
Ed : Flash Back eh?
Guy1 : Right.
Ed : I'll come with u.
FLASH BACK
Guy1 doing some editing work. Veerappan comes in,points his finger to the screen and asks
V : What is this?
Guy1 : Computer.
SLAP.V slaps Guy1.
V : I know that.What is THIS ?
Guy1 : (now trembling),it is an Editor.
V : What is the name of the editor?
Guy1 : Vi.
V : What?
Guy1 : VI
V : why cant u use Gopal,the Nakkeeran editor,my old pal,good
fella?
Guy1 : But sir,this is a computer, SLAP again
V : I TOLD u I know THAT.didn't i.
Guy1 : Yes sir.
V takes up the phone and summons the system admin.
V to sys.admin
Now cancel this guy's email account,change his LAN password
and DEL *.jpg on his hard disc.
FLASH BACK OVER.
Guy1 : Please save me from here.How can i live without an email id ?
Ed : I'll write about that in detail dont worry.
Ed talks with Guy2 now
Ed : Are u happy here?
Guy2 : No yaar.You know what ..this guy asked me to write a software for locating elephants in the forest.I told it is not possible.
Ed : So,he cancelled ur email id right?
Guy2 : No.Worse still.He's sending me for an Onsite assignment to Siberia next week.The work permit has come.U have to do something before that.
Ed : Can u give me ur email id then.i think it'll help.
Guy2 : No,it wont.He is changing our email ids daily.Please try some old methods.they are good.
Ed : Ok.I'll do my best.
Now Guy3 takes Ed's time.
Ed : How do u feel?
Guy3 : Great.I'm now doing my dream job.
Ed : Really.I can't believe that.
Guy3 : I'll elaborate as u are a non-techy guy. I'm now writing one operating system called VOS.
Ed : VOS?
Guy3 : yeah.Veerappan Operating System.The philosophy of VOS far exceeds in it's beauty,that of UNIX. It's like this. There are processes running in the computer which all get the processor time
equally.In VOS there is a special process called V process.If that
process wants some extra processor time for whatever reason,it kidnaps some running processes and keeps them in the hard disk.Then it demands the extra time. If it doesn't get that it kills the kidnapped processes one by one.
You can call it a realtime OS.
Ed : I dont understand much of what u said.But are u really happy here??
Guy3 : Why not?Where else can i get a system software project,this IS heaven and if u write otherwise i'll have to tell my Boss to take care of u.OK
Ed : Ok sir.I'll do what u and ur Boss say.
Guy4 comes in .
He is singing some hindi song happily.
Ed : It seems u r also happy out here.
Guy4 : Yep.
Ed : May i know the reason please?
Guy4 : Sure buddy. He is a fundoo guy i must say.
Ed : Pardon sir.what is fundoo?
Guy4 : Since ur origin is other than IIT it's hard for me to tell u what EXACTLY it means.It means many things. U just take down what i'm saying.My collegues out there will decode it.
Ed : Yes sir ( takes up a notebook and writes down)
Guy4 : Again,Veers is a fundoo guy,He has such good plans u know. I'll tell u about the employee friendly nature of VCS. There is a scheme called ESOP.It means Employee Sandalwood Option Plan.
If u r at or above the level of an SSA u r eligible for that.
It works like this.U'll be given a sandalwood tree. After two years u can cut that tree and get the money out of it. VCS also helps u cut the tree without police intervention. Also he has concieved of another plan called ETOP. That is,Employee Trunk Option Plan.
This is open for APM level onwards.U'll be shown a male elephant with a trunk whose length depends on ur performance appraisal.
After two years u can cut it and sell it. Also ,see here...(shows a sandalwood mouse to Ed)(Ed wants to take a snap of that and Guy4 agrees happily)
Yesterday in the Birthday bash,i got this as a b'day present.
I can talk endlessly on the good aspects of VCS. U get Gun loan evenif u r a trainee,u have free access to the V-mail like E-mail,...and a HAJJAAR other things. I'm happy.
Ed : Ok sir.I'll publish the entire thing.
Guy4 : Be sure to decode it before publishing.
Ed : Yes Sir
Veerappan enters with a Box of floppies. Look here.Take this with u.
I have all my conditions specified in all file formats. Also take my URL where u can visit and sign the guest book. Tell the government guys to read the forest.smugglers.sandalwood newsgroup regularly.I may post some of my demands there.Ok.
Ed : Ok sir. [ Takes everything and moves on ]
Ed : (suddenly remembering) but i've talked to only 4 guys so
far. What happened to the 5th guy?
V : He is now in california.Wanna have a video conference???
Ed : No,thanks sir
Ed leaves totally baffled
Veerappan strikes again.... ACT FOUR
____________________________________
Veerappans floppies travel a long way. People were getting chain mails regarding his demands. A session of the State assembly can't be out of place here.SO,
ASSEMBLY SESSION
ONLY VOICES.......
V1 : We demand....
CM : What?????U also DEMAND
V1 : We demand that we ,the responsible opposition , want to be informed of the developments in Mr.Veerappan's case.
CM : I'll read out a list of his demands.The jpgs associated
will be given to every member of this assembly within 2 weeks.
The demands are
1.All the Y2K projects that r going on in India should be transferred to VCS.Bill Gates should put his signature in the agreement and give it to the Govt.
2.VCS should be the first and the only company to visit the campuses of all the Engg. colleges in TamilNadu and Karnataka for a period of as long as he wishes it.
3.The bugs reported sofar in the products developed by VCS should be withdrawn with immediate effect and an assurance that in future also no such things will be raised against VCS should be given by all the customers of VCS.
4.The executable file names' extension should be changed from .exe to .vee and all the major compiler companies should sign an agreement.He would appreciate us if we could persuade the US Govt. and make that extension an ANSI standard.
5.His Internet links should not be disturbed by the DoT.
6.He will have a 15 year bond for all of the VCS'employees and the Govt. should make it Legal.
This is my version of his demands.Those who want to get the complete picture can attend the Powerpoint slides session arranged for this evening.Tea will be served.
Veerappan strikes again.... ACT FIVE
____________________________________
Meanwhile some of the Network Gurus of Infosys try to hack into Veerappan's network.
3 guys there.
Guy1 : Let's try ping now that we have his ip address.
Guy2 : Yeah.U guys try while i'll go get coke for all of us(leaves)
Guy3 : (mumbling something and staring at the monitor)
Suddenly a message pops out.
There is a firewall.Please dont proceed further.
But,the hacker instinct in them gets the better of them so they try.
BLAST...
Monitor is burning. Speaker is now on.It says,
"NOW THAT IS REAL TIME VERSION OF THE FIREWALL FOR YOU GUYS.
HAHAHAHAHA....GO LOGIN TO ANOTHER MACHINE AND START SENDING
EXPLANATIONS TO CCS..HAHAHAHAHA"
Guys faint.
Veerappan strikes again.... ACT SIX
_____________________________________
It is Veerappan's place again.
Police have gained access to his place.
He is in a hurry.He should do something to save his empire.At the other end of the forest is his Branch office which is well equipped with all the weapons. So he starts sending a netware message to that office. [ V frantically typing something on his pc ]
He presses Enter.
At that moment the usual thing happens.....WINDOWS CRASHED
[ police rounding up and arresting V ]
To cut it short, The software achieved what was impossible by Hardware for almost 15 years. Yes. Veerappan is arrested.
END
___
Before he is taken away in the police vehicle,
Journalist : Is it true that Bill Gates has joined hands with the Karnataka Govt. to schedule the crash at the right time?
Veerappan : I dont know that. But,i know one thing. He knows his business better than i did mine.
So that's it guys. Veerappan is arrested. VCS is scrapped. Everybody is happy except Veerappan and of course the Jayanagar 8.30 Guy.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
You really get bored with answering machines....but what if the messages are like the following:
My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave
your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.
**
Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes
doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right... real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth
we'll get back to you.
**
A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So leave a message.
**
Hi. This is John. If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.
**
(Narrator's voice:) There Dale sits, reading a magazine. Suddenly the telephone rings! The bathroom explodes into a veritable maelstrom of toilet paper, with Dale in the middle of it, his arms windmilling at incredible speeds! Will he make it in time? Alas no, his valiant effort is in vain. The bell hath sounded. Thou must leave a message.
**
Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.
**
Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.
**
(Sexy female voice with heavy panting) Hi, you've reached 555-3456.
John is in (sigh) Oh no, he's out (aah) Yes, he's in again, (ooh) No he's out (aah) Why don't you just leave your name and number and he'll call you as soon as he... comes.
**********
Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson are hiking. They hiked all day long and then, having gotten tired, went to sleep in the tent. Holmes wakes up deep at night, wakes Watson and says "Watson, do you see the bright stars and do you notice how clear the sky is? What can you deduce from it?"
"Well, this clearly tells us the weather tomorrow is going to be dry and sunny."
"Elementary,Watson: it just means that somebody has stolen our tent."
Good/Bad/Worse
Bad: Your wife's arrested for soliciting. Worse: She implicates you.
Quote of the Day
"Duct tape is like the FORCE!
It has a light side and a dark side and holds the universe together."
This is a list of top ten dialogues in hindi movies
10. Kuttay, Kameenay mai tumhe jaan se maar doonga
9. Mai tumhara ehasaan zindagi bhar nahin bhuloonga
8. Itnay paisay tum kahan se laaye?
7. Main tumharay bina mar jaa-oongi.
6. Bacchhhaaaaaooooo.....
5. Yeh anyaay hai bhagwan
4. Bataoo, heeray kahan hai.
3. Tum may-re liye mar chuke ho.
2. Police meeray peechay lagi hui hai.
And the number one statement is .....
1. Mai tumharay bachhe ki maa ban-nay waali hoon.
Here are the best of the rest...
- Ghar mein do javaan betiyan hain
- lo...muh meetha kar lo
- mein yeh shaadi nahin hone doongi
- aaj pinky ka janam din hai
- yeh aap kya kah rahen hai, bhai sahib
- Bhaiya !!!!!!!!!!
- Ma, tum kitni achchi ho
- Aaj mein bahut khush hoon (usually to be followed by a tragic
turn of events)
- arre isse to tez bukhar hai
- Nikal jaa mere ghar say...
- Hatoe naa, log kya kahengay
- khabardaar joe mujhay haat bhee lagaya
and the best:
- tumne apni ma ka dudh piya hai to ...
- jug jug jiyo beti/beta
- gurkha, ise dhakke maarke bahar nikal do.
- Maine tumhe paal pos kar bada kiya..
- Ab tumari maa hamare kabze main hai
- Pulis ko tum jaise naujawanon par naaz hai
- Driver, gaadi roko
- Tum jaise gandi naali ke keede....
- Ek baar mujhe maa keh kar pukaro beta"
- aur ye bechari begunnah hai. That's all, your honor
- tazeerat-e-hind , dafa 302 ke tahat, mulzim ko maut ki saza sunai jaati hai.
- Mulzim ko Baa izzat bari kiya jata hai
- Ab hum kisi ko muh dikhane ke layak nahin rahe
- (hero/heroine opening their eyes on a hospital bed)Main kahan hun?
- Kya isi din ke liye tujhe paida kiya tha?
- "Maa main first class first pass ho gaya hu" followed by the jug jug jiyo beta
- "Yeh sauda thumhe bahut mehenga padega" ??
- Bhagwan, maine aaj tak tumse kuch nahin manga, aaj pahli baar kuch maang........
- KANOON KE HAATH BAHUT LUMBE HOTE HAIN
- Aey jee! Aap bade woh haiN!
Top 10 Rules of film-making in Bollywood:
1) Two brothers separated in childhood will always grow up on different sides of the law. The law-breaker, however, will suddenly turn over a new leaf before the end, bash up the villain (who is the *real* bad guy), and be pardoned for all his sins before the last-scene family reunion.
(This is possible only if he has a heroine - see rule 2 below).
2) If the number of heroes is not equal to the number of heroines, the excess heroes/heroines will a) die b) join the Red Cross and take off to Switzerland before the end of the movie.
3) If there are 2 heroes in a movie, they will fight each other savagely for at least 5 minutes (10 if they are brothers).
4) Any court scene will have the dialogue "Objection milord". If it is said by the hero, or his lawyer, it will be sustained. Else, it will be overruled.
5) The hero's sister will usually marry the hero's best friend (i.e. the second hero). Else, she will be raped by the villain within the 1st 30 minutes, and commit suicide.
6) In a chase, the hero will *always* overtake the villain, even on a bullock-cart, or on foot.
7) When the hero fires at the villain(s), he will never a) miss b) run out of bullets. When the villain fires at the hero, he will always miss (unless the hero is required to die, as in rule 2).
8) Any fight sequence shall take place in the vicinity of a stack of a) pots b) barrels c) glass bottles, which will be smashed to pieces.
9) Any movie involving lost+found brothers will have a song sung by a) the brothers b) their blind mother (but of course, she has to be blind in order to regain her sight in the climax) c) the family dog/cat. The amazing thing is that these folks remember the song after 20 years in the movie, and you can't remember it 2 minutes after coming out of the theatre.
10) Police inspectors (when not played by the hero) come in two categories: a) Scrupulously honest, probably the hero's father - killed by the villain before the titles. b) Honest, but always chasing the anti-hero as in Rule 1.) saying "Tum kanoon se bach nahin sakte", only to pat him in the back in reel 23. Usually, this inspector's daughter is in love with the anti-hero. c) The corrupt inspector, (usually the *real* villain's sidekick) unceremoniously knocked about by the hero(s) in the climax.
The one consistent theme of Boliwood movies is:
Boy meets Girl. After initial resistance and few songs, girl always gives in. But either her parents or boy's parents would not given in so easily.
Or you might have few other villains thrown in to thicken the plot.
After few songs in places deserted by people, after episodes of kidnapping or run-away; after bitter fight with all the villains, after parents are brought to their senses and repentence and villains are apprehended by the authorities, boy-hero weds the girl-herioine and they live happily ever after.
----
There is a big world dispute over what religion is the best and most righteous. The world leaders finally decide to have big debate with the top religious figures from each religion to argue for their religion. Since there is a language barrier between many of the religions, it is decided that the world leaders will use sign language to communicate for the debate.
After many rounds of the debate, the final two candidates have been selected; Judaism and Catholicism. The Pope and the head Rabbi are chosen to meet to have the final debate and decide the best religion. All the participants and all the world press gather in a large meeting hall with a large marble table. The Pope is at one end and the Rabbi at the other.
The Pope wins the coin toss and is allowed to make the first comment.
He raises his arms and waves them around. The Rabbi pounds on the table in front of him. The Pope looks amazed and lifts 3 fingers into the air. The Rabbi holds his single middle finger up. Once again the Pope looks shocked and reaches down under the table and pulls out a loaf of bread and a bottle of wine. The Rabbi also reaches under the table and removes a single apple.
The Pope sighs in defeat and runs out of the room screaming and yelling...The man is a genius....He wins...
A reporter runs after the Pope and once he catches him he asks, what happened. The Pope says " The man is amazing. I tell him that God is all around us and he reminds me that God is right here. I tell him of the holy trinity, the father, the son and the holy spirit and he reminds me that God is one. I bring the bread and the wine to symbolize the body and the blood of Christ and he shows me the apple to remind me that even Jesus was guilty of the Original Sin. The man is amazing!!!" And the Pope runs off down the hall.
Well the reporter then runs after the Rabbi and asks him what happened. The Rabbi says in disbelief " I have no idea what happened. He told me to get the hell out of here..I told him I was staying right here. He told me I had three seconds to leave....I flipped him off. He brought out his lunch...I brought out mine...and then he left."
What would happen If They Married:
If Yoko Ono married Sonny Bono, she'd be Yoko Ono Bono.
If Dolly Parton married Salvador Dali, she'd be Dolly Dali.
If Bo Derek married Don Ho, she'd be Bo Ho.
If Oprah Winfrey married Depak Chopra, she'd be Oprah Chopra.
If Cat Stevens married Snoop Doggy Dogg, hey! it's the '90's!, he'd be Cat Doggy Dogg.
If Olivia Newton-John married Wayne Newton, then divorced him to marry Elton John, she'd be Olivia Newton-John Newton John.
If Sondra Locke married Elliott Ness, then divorced him to marry Herman Munster, she'd become Sondra Locke Ness Monster.
If Bea Arthur married Sting, she'd be Bea Sting.
If Liv Ullman married Judge Lance Ito, then divorced him and married Jerry Mathers, she'd be Liv Ito Beaver.
If Snoop Doggy Dogg married Winnie the Pooh, he'd be Snoop Doggy Dogg Pooh.
How about a baseball marriage? If Boog Powell married Felipe Alou, he'd be Boog Alou.
If G. Gordon Liddy married Boutros-Boutros Ghali, then divorced him to marry Kenny G., he'd be G. Ghali G.
Nog (Quark's brother on "Star Trek: Deep Space Nine") has no other name, so he uses it twice when getting a marriage license. IF he married Howard Hughes, and then Pamela Dare, he'd be Nog Nog Hughes Dare.
If Shirley Jones married Tom Ewell, then Johnny Rotten, then Nathan Hale, she'd be Shirley Ewell Rotten Hale. (This one may take a little longer to get)
If Jack Handy (SNL writer) married Andy Capp, then married Jack Paar, then moved on to Stephen King, he'd be Jack Handy Capp Paar King.
If Javier Lopez married Keiko the whale, and Edith Piaf married Rose Tu the elephant, they would be Javier Keiko and Edith Tu.
If Ivana Trump married, in succession, Orson Bean (actor), King Oscar of Norway), Louis B. Mayer (of MGM), and Norbert Wiener (mathematician), she would then be Ivana Bean Oscar Mayer Wiener.
If Woody Allen married Natalie Wood, divorced her and married Gregory Peck, divorced him and married Ben Hur, he'd be Woody Wood Peck Hur.
If Dolly Parton married Tommy Smothers, then went even further back in show business and married Mr. Lucky, then divorced and married Martin Short, then divorced and married football kicker Ray Guy, we could all nod understandingly when we heard, "Dolly Parton Smothers Lucky Short Guy
BATHROOM GRAFFITI
bathroom graffiti # 1
Here I lie in stinky vapor,
Because some bastard stole the toilet paper,
Shall I lie, or shall I linger,
Or shall I be forced to use my finger.
bathroom graffiti # 2
Here I sit
What a caper
I have to shit
But I'm out of paper
bathroom graffiti # 3
Here I sit
Broken hearted
Tried to shit
But only farted
bathroom graffiti #4
You're lucky
You had your chance
I tried to fart,
And shit my pants!
bathroom graffiti # 5
I came here
To shit and stink,
But all I do
Is sit and think.
bathroom graffiti #6
Some come here to sit and think,
Some come here to shit and stink,
But I come here to scratch my balls,
And read the bullshit on the walls...
bathroom graffiti # 8
(written high upon the wall)
If you can piss above this line, the Hillsboro Fire Department want's you.
bathroom graffiti # 9
(written high upon the wall above a urinal)
Don't look up here, the joke's in your hand.
bathroom graffiti # 10
Sign posted in a bathroom
We aim to please!
You aim too! Please!
bathroom graffiti # 13
Seen above a urinal
Please do not throw cigarette butts in our urinal.
We don't piss in your ashtrays!
bathroom graffiti # 18
Scratched into the paint of the condom-dispensing machine were these words
"Don't buy this gum, it tastes like rubber."
bathroom graffiti # 19
On the inside of a toilet door
Patrons are requested to remain seated throughout the entire performance.
bathroom graffiti # 20
"$1.49 - All You Can Eat" (with an arrow pointing down into the toilet)
bathroom graffiti # 25
A sign I saw at a swimming pool once
We don't swim in your toilet, so please don't pee in our pool!
bathroom graffiti # 26
Another sign seen at a swimming pool
Welcome to our ool.
Notice there's no P in it.
Please keep it that way.
bathroom graffiti # 32
My mother made me a whore.
(to which someone else added)
If I give her the yarn, will she make me one too?
bathroom graffiti # 35
Under a sign that said "Employees Must Wash Hands," someone scribbled
I waited and waited, but I finally washed them myself.
bathroom graffiti # 38
In the men's room at a Burger King restaurant
It takes the human body about 24 hours to turn good food into shit. It only takes Burger King 10 minutes.
bathroom graffiti # 40
Sign seen at a restaurant
The hands that clean these toilets also make your food...please aim properly.
bathroom graffiti # 41
Here I sit, I'm at a loss
trying to shit out taco sauce.
When it comes, I hope and pray,
I don't blow my ass away.
bathroom graffiti # 42
Here's one seen above a urinal
look up look up
[even higher on the wall]
keep looking up
[on the ceiling]
Quick! Look down! You're pissing on your shoes!
bathroom graffiti # 45
One of the funniest I've seen was also the simplest
Fart loud if you love Jesus!
bathroom graffiti # 46
While your sitting on the toilet you see written on the stall door
Congratulations! You've one one free game of Toilet Tennis!
Look Left. You look left and it reads
Look Right
You look right and it reads
Look Left...
bathroom graffiti # 50
Everybody pisses on the floor. Be a hero and shit on the ceiling.
bathroom graffiti # 51
(written above a urinal)
Why are you looking up here?
Are you ashamed of it?
bathroom graffiti # 52
Some people come here to take a shit, I come here to leave one.
bathroom graffiti # 53
Don't look now!
you're pissing on your neighbors foot!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The rules, according to the the sex-and-dating police. Read and memorize -- this information to avoid lawsuits, dismissal from work, expulsion from school -- or worse!
LIP-LICKING, TEETH-LICKING, AND PROVOCATIVE EATING. All these (and more) are on a list of "unacceptable gestures and behaviors" distributed at the University of Maryland at College Park.
STANDING TOO CLOSE. Standing too close is one of a long list of "sexually harassing behaviors" that Susan Strauss and Pamela Espeland caution us "have been reported in U.S. high schools." (Others are MAKING "VERBAL COMMENTS ABOUT CLOTHING" and "WEARING AN OBSCENE HAT.")
ATTENDING PERFORMANCES OF "ROMEO AND JULIET." London school official Jane Hardman-Brown refused to take her students to see "Romeo and Juliet" on the grounds that it was a "blatantly heterosexual love story." (It's not clear whether Hardman-Brown wants the play rewritten to celebrate alternative lifestyles, or would prefer to have it banned altogether.)
EXCESSIVE EYE-CONTACT. University of Toronto chemistry professor Richard Hummel was recently prosecuted for "prolonged staring" at a female student.
INSUFFICIENT EYE-CONTACT. A handbook published at Barnard College in New York warns male professors who fail to make sufficient eye-contact with their female students that their conduct is "contributing to a biased atmosphere in the classroom" which may cause women to "feel discouraged and/or physically threatened."
RECEPTIVE NONINITIATION. If a woman makes a pass at her male boss, and her boss responds, he (not she) is guilty of sexual harassment, according to Hunter College professor Sue Rosenberg Zalk. Zalk's term for this underpublicized offense "receptive noninitiation."
FORGETTING A WOMAN'S NAME. A report issued by a committee at the University of Pennsylvania lists "women's names not remembered" as a pernicious form of sexual discrimination.
PUBLIC DISPLAYS OF AFFECTION. The Minnesota Department of Education discourages "displays of affection in hallways" on the grounds that such displays "may offend others" and are "heterosexist."
HAMBURGERS. Jeremy Rifkin, author of Beyond Beef, notes that "the statistics linking domestic violence and quarrels over beef are both revealing and compelling."
SELF-DEPRECATING HUMOR. And finally this, from Robin Morgan, former editor of Ms. If a man's "self-deprecating humor" leads a woman to initiate sex with him, then that man is -- in a "radical feminist" sense of the term -- guilty of assault.
Heard on the television And now on BBC2, comedy, that's except for viewers in Scotland!
UK government department form which included the instruction "Blind persons please see note at bottom of page"
"Those requiring wheelchair access should seek assistance at the counter"
"Warning - Automatic doors" (Shouldn't we be warned if they weren't)
Seen on the side of a Cleaning Contractors Van "Don't kill your wife with housework.......let us do it the modern way!"
Warning sign This door must be kept locked at all times
What does "Lifetime Guarantee" mean? If the product breaks, and therefore ends its useful life what value its guarantee then?
Seen on a tube of toothpaste STAND ON CAP (I tried, but it would not take my weight).
On a bottle of table sauce SHAKE VIGOROUSLY BEFORE USE; I shook vigorously then picked up the bottle......
A Korean Kitchen knife comes with instructions advising KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN
Sign outside church Tomorrow
ETERNAL PUNISHMENT
ALL ARE WELCOME
Wonder if anyone checked it out!
The UK is probably the only country in the world where the blind have to also pay the TV license fee.
Euro'96 football commentary Navdir moves forward for the ball and is met with a rush of Seaman
Commentator at a golf tournament "Johnny Miller is on 69, a position he shares with Ballesteros."
A sign facing the river which said "No Ducks On The Grass"
Inter-office memo New Product Withdrawals
Notice in a local shop window '1996 quality award winners four years in a row'
Road Sign Warning! Video cameras in operation; remember to smile
Notice at a Gents' toilet Out of Order. Please use the Ladies
Road sign near a school Slow Down Children
Sign For sale - 2 birth boat and trailer. (Was it twins??)
Road sign Width restriction 6'6" (except buses)
Road sign at Chelmsford Humped zebra crossing
An extract from one of this week's TV listings 13.25 Home And Away. Angel gives birth to a girl (closely followed by Granada weather).
Two WWII newspaper headlines "Eighth Army push bottles up Germans", and "Monty flies back to Front"
Newspaper headline "Commuters hit by cancelled train"
Cafe offering "Half fresh grapefruit"
Sign in a pub loo "We aim to please, would you aim too please?"
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Getting married is very much like going to a continental restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man."
Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is really finished.
Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his bachelor's degree and the woman gets her master's.
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it."
Young Son Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
Dad That happens in most countries, son.
Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late.
A happy marriage is a matter of give and take; the husband gives and the wife takes.
When a newly married man looks happy we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy - we wonder why.
Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." And the husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice it."
It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifiers "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing "You can have mine."
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing either the car is new or the wife.
A perfect wife is one who helps the husband with the dishes.
A woman was telling her friend, "It is I who made my husband a millionaire." "And what was he before you married him." Asked the friend. The woman replied, " A multi-millionaire".
All of us at some point in our lives had to field downright bizarre questions from Americans and others unfamiliar with Indian ways. Well, what follows is a list to help you field some of those questions. Enjoy - Comments from the humor impaired will be ignored.
Q. What does that red dot on women's forehead mean?
A. Well, in ancient times, Indian men used to practice archery by aiming for the red dot on their wife's forehead. In fact, this is one of the reasons why they had many wives.
Q. You're from India, aren't you? I have read so much about the country. All the wonderful places, the forests, the snake charmers, the elephants. Do you still use elephants for transportation?
A. Absolutely. In fact we used to have our own elephant. But later to save air, we started elephant-pooling with our neighbors, You see elephants have an "emissions" problem.....
Q. Does India have cars?
A. No. We ride elephants to work. The government is trying to encourage elephant-pooling schemes.
Q. Does India have TV?
A. No. We only have cable.
Q. Are all Indians vegetarian?
A. Yes. Even the tigers are vegetarian in India.
Q. How come you speak English so well?
A. You see when the British ruled India, they employed Indians as servants. Since it took too long for the Indians to learn English, the British isolated an "English-language" gene and implanted it into their servants' babies and since then all babies born in India speak perfect English.
Q. Are you a Hindi?
A. Yes. I am spoken everyday in Northern India.
Q. Do you speak Hindu?
A. Yes, I also speak Jewish, Islam and Christianity.
Q. Is it true that everyone there is very corrupt?
A. Yes, in fact, I had to bribe my parents so that they would let me go to school.
Q. India is very hot, isn't it?
A. It is so hot there that all the water boils spontaneously. That is why tea is such a popular drink in India.
Q. Are there any business companies in India?
A. No. All Indians live on the Gandhian principles of self-sufficiency. All of us make our own clothes and grow our own food. That is why you see all these skinny Indians.
Q. Indians cannot eat beef, huh?
A. Cows provide milk which is a very essential part of Indian diet. Therefore, eating cows is forbidden. However in order to decrease the population of the country, the government is trying to encourage everyone to eat human meat.
Q. India is such a religious place. Do you meditate regularly?
A. Yes, sometimes I meditate for weeks without food and drink. But it is difficult to keep my job, because I have to miss work when I meditate like that. But the bosses there do the same thing. That is why things are so inefficient there.
Q. I saw on TV that people there walk on burning coals. Why do they do that?
A. We don't have shoes. So we burn the bottom of our feet to harden it so that we can walk.
Q. Why do you sometimes wear Indian clothes to work?
A. I prefer that to coming to work naked.
Q. How do you celebrate Thanksgiving day in India?
A. By roasting an American.
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From "American Demographics" magazine
Here's a look at how shrewd American business people translate their slogans into foreign languages
When Braniff translated a slogan touting its upholstery, "Fly in leather," it came out in Spanish as "Fly naked."
Coors put its slogan, "Turn it loose," into Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer from diarrhea."
Chicken magnate Frank Perdue's line, "It takes a tough man to make a tender chicken," sounds much more interesting in Spanish "It takes a sexually stimulated man to make a chicken affectionate."
When Vicks first introduced its cough drops on the German market, they were chagrined to learn that the German pronunciation of "v" is f - which makes "Vicks" in German the phonetic equivalent of "sexual penetration."
Not to be outdone, Puffs tissues tried later to introduce its product, only to learn that "Puff" in German is a colloquial term for a whorehouse.
The Chevy Nova never sold well in Spanish speaking countries. "No va" means "doesn't go" in Spanish.
When Gerber first started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as here in the USA - with the cute baby on the label. Later they found out that in Africa that companies routinely put pictures on the label of what's inside since more people can't read.
When Pepsi started marketing its products in China a few years back, they translated their slogan, "Come alive, you're in the Pepsi generation" pretty literally. The slogan in Chinese really meant,
"Pepsi Brings Your Ancestors Back from the Grave."
When Coca-Cola first shipped to China, they named the product something that when pronounced sounded like "Coca-Cola." The only problem was that the characters used meant "Bite the wax tadpole."
They later changed to a set of characters that mean "Happiness in the mouth."
A hair products company, Clairol, introduced the "Mist Stick", a curling iron, into Germany to find out that mist is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the manure stick.
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50 Fun Things to Do in an Elevator
1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers.
3. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!"
4. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.
5. Sell Girl Scout cookies.
6. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.
7. Shave.
8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask "Got enough air in there?"
9. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper "Noogie patrol coming!"
13. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
14. One word Flatulence!
15. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.
16. Do Tai Chi exercises.
17. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce "I've got new socks on!"
18. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back "Oh, not now, damn motion sickness!"
19. Give religious tracts to each passenger.
20. Meow occasionally.
21. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
22. Frown and mutter "gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say "oops!"
23. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
24. Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while continually pushing buttons.
25. Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.
26. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
27. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
28. Burp, and then say "mmmm...tasty!"
29. Leave a box between the doors.
30. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
31. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.
32. Start a sing-along.
33. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your beeper?"
34. Play the harmonica.
35. Shadow box.
36. Say "Ding!" at each floor.
37. Lean against the button panel.
38. Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.
39. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
40. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."
41. Bring a chair along.
42. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger "Wanna see wha in muh mouf?"
43. Blow spit bubbles.
44. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
45. Announce in a demonic voice "I must find a more suitable host body."
46. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
47. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
48. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.
49. Stare at your thumb and say "I think it's getting larger."
50. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler "Bad touch!"
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Lufthansa -
Passengers on a Lufthansa flight heard this announcement from the captain "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am sorry to inform you that we have lost power to all of our engines and will shortly crash into the ocean". The passengers were obviously very worried about this situation but were somewhat comforted by the captain's next announcement. "Ladies and Gentlemen, we at Lufthansa have prepared for such an emergency and we would now like you to rearrange your seating so that all the non-swimmers are on the left side of the plane and all the swimmers are on the right side of the plane". After this announcement all the passengers rearranged their seating to comply with the captain's request. Two minutes later the captain made a belly landing in the ocean. The captain once again made an announcement "Ladies and Gentlemen we have crashed into the ocean. All of the swimmers on the right side of the plane, open your emergency exits and quickly swim away from the plane. For all of the non-swimmers on the left side of plane...
---THANK YOU FOR FLYING LUFTHANSA- "
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British Airways
"This is Captain Sinclair speaking. On behalf of my crew I'd like to welcome you aboard British Airways flight 602 from New York to London. We are currently flying at a height of 35,000 feet midway across the Atlantic." "If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the aircraft, you will observe that both the starboard engines are on fire. If you look out of the windows on the port side, you will observe that the port wing has fallen off."
"If you look down towards the Atlantic ocean, you will see a little yellow life raft with three people in it waving at you. That's me your captain, the co-pilot, and one of the air stewardess
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Some Tyson puns!!
* Tyson is Mark Anthony reborn....only that he didn't stop at saying "lend me your ears!"
* Introducing New Tyson the 2MB RAM ( 2Mega-Bites?). And no folks, he is not made up of Intel...The 'chip' is of "Holyfield Inside!"
* Mike finally confessed that his action was spurred by a noisy spectator asking "Where's Holyfield?!".
Mike wanted to shout back "He ain't 'ear!" and since he couldn't talk...he decided to demonstrate it!!
* THREE 'EERS FOR MIKE TYSON..."Nip Nip Hooray.. Nip Nip..."
* No longer the clamour "his punch lakes bite" to end the boxer's career.what? now things seem to be the other way round!!
* Tyson's psychologist told Mike to take a year off, he obviously misunderstood....good thing he didn't say two!
* Tyson's favorite football team-the Tampa Bay Buc-an-EARS.
* For the third fight between Mike and Evander, Tyson wants it to be held in Earie, PA.
* New Tyson burger There is a piece of the champ in every bite!!!
* Can't beat um...Eat um!!!!
* On my right is Tyson and on my left is Evander "the Real Meal" Holyfield!!!!!!!
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Why Engineers Don't Write Recipe Books
Chocolate Chip Cookies
Ingredients
1.) 532.35 cm3 gluten
2.) 4.9 cm3 NaHCO3
3.) 4.9 cm3 refined halite
4.) 236.6 cm3 partially hydrogenated tallow triglyceride
5.) 177.45 cm3 crystalline C12H22O11
6.) 177.45 cm3 unrefined C12H22O11
7.) 4.9 cm3 methyl ether of protocatechuic aldehyde
8.) Two calcium carbonate-encapsulated avian albumen-coated protein
9.) 473.2 cm3 theobroma cacao
10.) 236.6 cm3 de-encapsulated legume meats (sieve size #10)
To a 2-L jacketed round reactor vessel (reactor #1) with an overall heat transfer coefficient of about 100 Btu/F-ft2-hr, add ingredients one, two and three with constant agitation. In a second 2-L reactor vessel with a radial flow impeller operating at 100 rpm, add ingredients four, five, six, and seven until the mixture is homogenous. To reactor #2, add ingredient eight, followed by three equal volumes of the homogenous mixture in reactor #1. Additionally, add ingredient nine and ten slowly, with constant agitation. Care must be taken at this point in the reaction to control any temperature rise that may be the result of an exothermic reaction. Using a screw extrude attached to a #4 nodulizer, place the mixture piece-meal on a 316SS sheet (300 x 600 mm). Heat in a 460K oven for a period of time that is in
agreement with Frank & Johnston's first order rate expression (see JACOS, 21, 55), or until golden brown. Once the reaction is complete, place the sheet on a 25C heat-transfer table, allowing the product to come to equilibrium.
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Only in America....
These are real standing laws from around the United States of America. No wonder America is in the state she is in, her law makers have all gone crazy!!!!!!!
Hope you enjoy them and remember, Law Enforcement is no Joke!
Alabama
1. It is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while operating a vehicle.
California
1. Community leaders passed an ordinance that makes it illegal for anyone to try and stop a child from playfully jumping over puddles of water.
Connecticut
1. You can be stopped by the police for biking over 65 miles per hour.
2. You are not allowed to walk across a street on your hands.
Florida
1. Women may be fined for falling asleep under a hair dryer, as can the salon owner.
2. A special law prohibits unmarried women from parachuting on Sunday or she shall risk arrest, fine, and/or jailing.
3. If an elephant is left tied to a parking meter, the parking fee has to be paid just as it would for a vehicle.
4. It is illegal to sing in a public place while attired in a swimsuit.
5. Men may not be seen publicly in any kind of strapless gown.
Illinois
1. It is illegal for anyone to give lighted cigars to dogs, cats, and other domesticated animal kept as pets.
Indiana
1. Bathing is prohibited during the winter.
2. Citizens are not allowed to attend a movie house or theatre nor ride in a public streetcar within at least four hours after eating garlic.
Iowa
1. Kisses may last for as much as, but no more than, five minutes.
Kentucky
1. By law, anyone who has been drinking is "sober" until he or she "cannot hold onto the ground."
2. It is illegal to transport an ice cream cone in your pocket.
Louisiana
1. It is illegal to rob a bank and then shoot at the bank teller with a water pistol.
2. Biting someone with your natural teeth is "simple assault," while biting someone with your false teeth is "aggravated assault."
Massachusetts
1. Mourners at a wake may not eat more than three sandwiches.
2. Snoring is prohibited unless all bedroom windows are closed and securely locked.
3. An old ordinance declares goatees illegal unless you first pay a special license fee for the privilege of wearing one in public.
4. Taxi drivers are prohibited from making love in the front seat of their taxi during their shifts.
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The Pope was riding around New York City in a limo on one of his papal visits. He was fascinated by the amount of hustle and bustle in the city.
He got it in his mind that he wanted to drive the limo...
Pope Driver, could you please pull over? I want to drive.
Driver O.K. your holiness...whatever you say.
So the driver pulls over and the Pope starts to drive. He got the hang of it before long, and decided to put the pedal to the metal. A few minutes later, a police officer signals the limo to pull over...
Officer License and reg...(sees that it's the Pope). Oh, well....um... let me radio headquarters...um...I'll be right back.
The officer radios headquarters....
Officer Chief, I just pulled over a very important man. What should I do?
Chief Well, how important is he? Is he a Governor?
Officer No, he's more important than that.
Chief Is he a Congressman?
Officer Nope...more important than a Congressman.
Chief Surely he can't be more important than the president!
Officer Well....
Chief Good God!! Who did you pull over???
Officer I dunno who the fuck he is, but he got the Pope driving him around!!
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The Unofficial Smilie Dictionary
--------------------------------
-) Your basic smilie. This smilie is used to inflect a sarcastic or joking statement since we can't hear voice inflection over Unix.
;-) Winky smilie. User just made a flirtatious and/or sarcastic remark. More of a "don't hit me for what I just said" smilie.
-( Frowning smilie. User did not like that last statement or is upset or depressed about something.
-I Indifferent smilie. Better than a Frowning smilie but not quite as good as a happy smilie
- User just made a really biting sarcastic remark. Worse than a -).
- User just made a really devilish remark.
;- Winky and devil combined. A very lewd remark was just made.
Those are the basic ones...Here are some somewhat less common ones
(- User is left handed
%-) User has been staring at a green screen for 15 hours straight
*) User is drunk
[] User is a robot
8-) User is wearing sunglasses
B-) Sunglasses on head
-) User wears normal glasses
B-) User wears horn-rimmed glasses
8-) User is a little girl
-)-8 User is a Big girl
-{) User has a mustache
-{} User wears lipstick
{-) User wears a toupee
}-( Toupee in an updraft
-[ User is a Vampire
-E Bucktoothed vampire
-F Bucktoothed vampire with one tooth missing
-7 User juust made a wry statement
-* User just ate something sour
-)~ User drools
-~) User has a cold
'-( User is crying
'-) User is so happy, s/he is crying
-@ User is screaming
-# User wears braces
^) User has a broken nose
v) User has a broken nose, but it's the other way
_) User's nose is sliding off of his face
<) User is from an Ivy League School
-& User is tongue tied.
-) User is a hosehead
--) User is a punk rocker
--( (real punk rockers don't smile)
) User has two noses
+--) User is the Pope or holds some other religious office
`-) User shaved one of his eyebrows off this morning
,-) Same thing...other side
-I User is asleep
-O User is yawning/snoring
-Q User is a smoker
-? User smokes a pipe
O-) Megaton Man On Patrol! (or else, user is a scuba diver)
O -) User is an angel (at heart, at least)
-P Nyahhhh!
-S User just made an incoherent statement
-D User is laughing (at you!)
-X User's lips are sealed
-C User is really bummed
-/ User is skeptical
C-) User is a chef
@ User is pro-nuclear war
*<-) User is wearing a Santa Claus Hat
-o Uh oh!
(8-o It's Mr. Bill!
*o) And Bozo the Clown!
3] Pet smilie
3[ Mean Pet smilie
d8 Your pet beaver is wearing goggles and a hard hat.
E--) User is a Ham radio operator
-9 User is licking his/her lips
%-6 User is braindead
[-) User is wearing a walkman
(I User is an egghead
<-I User is a dunce
KP User is a little kid with a propeller beenie
@-) User is wearing a turban
-0 No Yelling! (Quiet Lab)
- Mutant Smilie
The invisible smilie
.-) User only has one eye
,-) Ditto...but he's winking
X-( User just died
8 -) User is a wizard
C};*{)) Mega-Smilie... A drunk, devilish chef with a toupee in an updraft, a mustache, and a double chin
Note A lot of these can be typed without noses to make midget smilies.
) Midget smilie
] Gleep...a friendly midget smilie who will gladly be your friend
) Variation on a theme...
} - What should we call these? (what?)
) - Happy
- what?
@ - what?
D - Laughter
I - Hmmm...
( - Sad
[ - Real Downer
< - what?
{ - what?
O - Yelling
C - what?
Q - what?
,( - Crying
[] - Hugs and
* - Kisses
I - Asleep
^o -Snoring
-` smiley spitting out its chewing tobacco
-1 smiley bland face
-! "
-@ smiley face screaming
-# smiley face with bushy mustache
-$ smiley face with it's mouth wired shut
-% smiley banker
-6 smiley after eating something sour
^) smiley with pointy nose (righty)
-7 smiley after a wry statement
8-) smiley swimmer
-* smiley after eating something bitter
-& smiley which is tongue-tied
-0 smiley orator
smiley invisible man
(-( unsmiley frowning
(-) smiley big-face
)-) "
)-( unsmiley big-face
)8-) scuba smiley big-face
-) smiley punk-rocker
-( (real punk rockers don't smile)
+-) smiley priest
-q smiley trying to touch its tongue to its nose
-e disappointed smiley
-t cross smiley
-i semi-smiley
-o smiley singing national anthem
-p smiley sticking its tongue out (at you!)
-[ un-smiley blockhead
-] smiley blockhead
-{ smiley variation on a theme
-} ditto
{-) smiley with its hair parted in the middle
}-) above in an updraft
-a lefty smilely touching tongue to nose
-s smiley after a BIZARRE comment
-d lefty smiley razzing you
g-) smiley with ponce-nez glasses
-j left smiling smilely
-k beats me, looks like something, tho.
-l y. a. s.
- mutant smiley
-\ undecided smiley
- "have an ordinary day" smiley
;-) winking smiley
-< real sad smiley
- y.a.s.
-z y.a.c.s.
-x "my lips are sealed" smiley
-c bummed out smiley
-v talking head smiley
v) left-pointing nose smiley
-b left-pointing tongue smiley
-/ lefty undecided smiley
-? smilely smoking a pipe
.-] one-eyed smilely
,-} wry and winking
0-) smiley cyclops (scuba diver?)
-) older smiley with mustache
u) smiley with funny-looking left nose
n) smiley with funny-looking right nose
< midget unsmiley
midget smiley
}^#}) mega-smiley updrafted bushy-mustached pointy nosed smiley with
a double-chin
-) ha ha ~~-( net.flame
-) hee hee O -) net.religion
-D ho ho
- hey hey 8 -I net.unix-wizards
-( boo hoo X-( net.suicide
-I hmm E--I net.ham-radio
-O uh oh -I net.startrek
-P nyah nyah 3o[ net.pets
-P yuk
-} beard
-{ mustache
-# braces
-X bow tie
-Q smoker
<I dunce
(I egghead
@I turban
8-) glasses
B-) horn-rims
8-) glasses on forehead
-8( condescending stare
;-) wink
-< mad
Drama -( Comedy -) Surpise -o Suspense 8-
Male - Female -
Birth -O Death 8-#
Infinity 8
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Why did the chicken cross the road?
Kindergarten teacher
To get to the other side!
Plato
For the greater good.
Aristotle
It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.
Karl Marx
It was a historical inevitability.
Anderson Consultant
Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market. Andersen Consulting, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM) Andersen helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge capital and experiences to align the chicken's people, processes and technology in support of its overall strategy within a Program Management framework. Andersen Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and best chickens along with Andersen consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry to engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to synergize with each other in order to achieve the implicit goals of delivering and successfully architecting and implementing an enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of poultry cross-median processes. The meeting was held in a park like setting enabling and creating an impactful environment which was strategically based, industry-focused, and built upon a consistent, clear, and unified market message and aligned with the chicken's mission, vision, and core values. This was conducive towards the creation of a total business integration solution. Andersen Consulting helped the chicken change to become more successful.
Thomas de Torquemada
Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll find out.
Timothy Leary
Because that's the only kind of trip the Establishment would let it take.
Nietzsche
Because if you gaze too long across the Road, the Road gaze also across you.
Oliver North
National Security was at stake.
Carl Jung
The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt necessitated that individual chickens cross roads at this historical juncture, and therefore synchronicitously brought such occurrences into being.
Jean-Paul Sartre
In order to act in good faith and be true to itself, the chicken found it necessary to cross the road.
Ludwig Wittgenstein
The possibility of "crossing" was encoded into the objects "chicken" and "road," and circumstances came into being which caused the actualization of this potential occurrence.
Albert Einstein
Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.
Buddha
If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken-nature.
Salvador Dali
The Fish.
Darwin
It was the logical next step after coming down from the trees.
Emily Dickinson
Because it could not stop for death.
Ralph Waldo Emerson
It didn't cross the road; it transcended it.
Johann Friedrich von Goethe
The eternal hen-principle made it do it.
Ernest Hemingway
To die. In the rain.
David Hume
Out of custom and habit.
Saddam Hussein
This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
Jack Nicholson
'cause it f.....g wanted to. That's the f.....g reason.
Ronald Reagan
I forget.
John Sununu
The Air Force was only too happy to provide the transportation, so quite understandably the chicken availed himself of the opportunity.
Sappho
Due to the loveliness of the hen on the other side, more fair than all of Hellas' fine armies.
Henry David Thoreau
To live deliberately ... and suck all the marrow out of life.
Mark Twain
The news of its crossing has been greatly exaggerated.
Stephen Jay Gould
It is possible that there is a sociobiological explanation for it, but we have been deluged in recent years with sociobiological stories despite the fact that we have little direct evidence about the genetics of behavior, and we do not know how to obtain it for the specific behaviors that figure most prominently in sociobiological speculation.
Captain James T. Kirk
To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
Machiavelli
So that its subjects will view it with admiration, as a chicken which has the daring and courage to boldly cross the road, but also with fear, for whom among them has the strength to contend with such a paragon of avian virtue? In such a manner is the princely chicken's dominion maintained.
Hippocrates
Because of an excess of phlegm in its pancreas.
Johnny Rotten
Because it was stapled to the punk rocker.
Johnny Carson
Because it heard there was a man over there laying bricks and it wanted to see for itself!
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Rules-of-the-road - Indian style
---------------------------------
Travelling in India is an almost hallucinatory potion of sound, spectacle and experience. It is frequently heart-rending, sometimes hilarious, mostly exhilarating, always unforgettable - and, when you are on the
roads, extremely dangerous.
Most Indian road users observe a version of the Highway Code based on a Sanskrit text. These 12 rules of the Indian road are published for the first time in English.
ARTICLE I
The assumption of immortality is required of all road users.
ARTICLE II
Indian traffic, like Indian society,is structured on a strict caste system. The following precedence must be accorded at all times. In descending order, give way to cows, elephants, heavy trucks, buses, official cars,
camels, light trucks, buffalo, Jeeps, ox-carts, private cars, motorcycles, scooters, auto-rickshaws, pigs, pedal rickshaws, goats, bicycles (goods-carrying), handcarts, bicycles (passenger-carrying), dogs, pedestrians.
ARTICLE III
All wheeled vehicles shall be driven in accordance with the maxim to slow is to falter, to brake is to fail, to stop is defeat. This is the Indian drivers' mantra.
ARTICLE IV
Use of horn (also known as the sonic fender or aural amulet) Cars (IV,1,a-c) Short blasts (urgent) indicate supremacy, ie in clearing dogs, rickshaws and pedestrians from path. Long blasts (desperate) denote supplication, ie to oncoming truck, "I am going too fast to stop, so unless you slow down we shall both die". In extreme cases this may be accompanied by flashing of headlights (frantic). Single blast (casual) means "I have seen someone out of India's 870 million whom I recognise", "There is a bird in the road (which at this speed could go through my windscreen)" or "I have not blown my horn for several minutes."Trucks and buses (IV,2,a) All horn signals have the same meaning, viz, "I have an all-up weight of approximately 12.5 tons and have no intention of stopping, even if I could." This signal may be emphasised by the use of headlamps (insouciant). Article IV remains subject to the provision of Order of Precedence in Article II above
ARTICLE V
All manoeuvres, use of horn and evasive action shall be left until the last possible moment.
ARTICLE VI
In the absence of seat belts (which there is), car occupants shall wear garlands of marigolds. These should be kept fastened at all times.
ARTICLE VII
Rights of way Traffic entering a road from the left has priority. So has traffic from the right, and also traffic in the middle. Lane discipline (VII,1) All Indian traffic at all times and irrespective of direction of travel shall occupy the centre of the road.
ARTICLE VIII
Roundabouts India has no roundabouts. Apparent traffic islands in the middle of crossroads have no traffic management function. Any other impression should be ignored.
ARTICLE IX
Overtaking is mandatory. Every moving vehicle is required to overtake every other moving vehicle, irrespective of whether it has just overtaken you. Overtaking should only be undertaken in suitable conditions, such as in the face of oncoming traffic, on blind bends, at junctions and in the middle of villages/city centres. No more than two inches should be allowed between your vehicle and the one you are passing - and one inch in the case of bicycles or pedestrians.
ARTICLE X
Nirvana may be obtained through the head-on crash.
ARTICLE XI
Reversing no longer applicable since no vehicle in India has reverse gear.
ARTICLE XII
The 10th incarnation of God was as an articulated tanker
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Engineers Explained
-------------------
People who work in the fields of science and technology are not like other people. This can be frustrating to the nontechnical people who have to deal with them. The secret to coping with technology-oriented people is to understand their motivations. This chapter will teach you everything you need to know. I learned their customs and mannerisms by observing them, much the way Jane Goodall learned about the great apes, but without the hassle of grooming.
Engineering is so trendy these days that everybody wants to be one. The word "engineer" is greatly overused. If there's somebody in your life who you think is trying to pass as an engineer, give him this test to discern the truth.
ENGINEER IDENTIFICATION TEST
You walk into a room and notice that a picture is hanging crooked. You...
A. Straighten it.
B. Ignore it.
C. Buy a CAD system and spend the next six months designing a solar-powered, self-adjusting picture frame while often stating aloud your belief that the inventor of the nail was a total moron.
The correct answer is "C" but partial credit can be given to anybody who writes "It depends" in the margin of the test or simply blames the whole stupid thing on "Marketing."
SOCIAL SKILLS
Engineers have different objectives when it comes to social interaction.
"Normal" people expect to accomplish several unrealistic things from social interaction
*Stimulating and thought-provoking conversation
*Important social contacts
*A feeling of connectedness with other humans
In contrast to "normal" people, engineers have rational objectives for social interactions
*Get it over with as soon as possible.
*Avoid getting invited to something unpleasant.
*Demonstrate mental superiority and mastery of all subjects.
FASCINATION WITH GADGETS
To the engineer, all matter in the universe can be placed into one of two categories (1)things that need to be fixed, and (2)things that will need to be fixed after you've had a few minutes to play with them.
Engineers like to solve problems. If there are no problems handily available, they will create their own problems. Normal people don't understand this concept; they believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.
No engineer looks at a television remote control without wondering what it would take to turn it into a stun gun. No engineer can take a shower without wondering if some sort of Teflon coating would make showering unnecessary. To the engineer, the world is a toy box full of sub-optimized and feature-poor toys.
FASHION AND APPEARANCE
Clothes are the lowest priority for an engineer, assuming the basic thresholds for temperature and decency have been satisfied. If no appendages are freezing or sticking together, and if no genitalia or
mammary glands are swinging around in plain view, then the objective of clothing has been met. Anything else is a waste.
LOVE OF "STAR TREK"
Engineers love all of the "Star Trek" television shows and movies. It's a small wonder, since the engineers on the starship Enterprise are portrayed as heroes, occasionally even having sex with aliens. This is much more glamorous than the real life of an engineer, which consists of hiding from the universe and having sex without the participation of other life forms.
DATING AND SOCIAL LIFE
Dating is never easy for engineers. A normal person will employ various indirect and duplicitous methods to create a false impression of attractiveness. Engineers are incapable of placing appearance above function.
Fortunately, engineers have an ace in the hole. They are widely recognized as superior marriage material intelligent, dependable, employed, honest, and handy around the house. While it's true that many normal people would prefer not to date an engineer, most normal people harbor an intense desire to mate with them, thus producing engineer-like children who will have high-paying jobs long before losing their virginity.
Male engineers reach their peak of sexual attractiveness later than normal men, becoming irresistible erotic dynamos in their mid thirties to late forties. Just look at these examples of sexually irresistible men in technical professions
* Bill Gates.
* MacGyver.
* Etcetera.
Female engineers become irresistible at the age of consent and remain that way until about thirty minutes after their clinical death. Longer if it's a warm day.
HONESTY
Engineers are always honest in matters of technology and human relationships. That's why it's a good idea to keep engineers away from customers, romantic interests, and other people who can't handle the truth.
Engineers sometimes bend the truth to avoid work. They say things that sound like lies but technically are not because nobody could be expected to believe them. The complete list of engineer lies is listed below.
"I won't change anything without asking you first."
"I'll return your hard-to-find cable tomorrow."
"I have to have new equipment to do my job."
"I'm not jealous of your new computer."
FRUGALITY
Engineers are notoriously frugal. This is not because of cheapness or mean spirit; it is simply because every spending situation is simply a problem in optimization, that is, "How can I escape this situation while retaining the greatest amount of cash?"
POWERS OF CONCENTRATION
If there is one trait that best defines an engineer it is the ability to concentrate on one subject to the complete exclusion of everything else in the environment. This sometimes causes engineers to be pronounced dead prematurely. Some funeral homes in high-tech areas have started checking resumes before processing the bodies. Anybody with a degree in electrical engineering or experience in computer programming is propped up in the lounge for a few days just to see if he or she snaps out of it.
RISK
Engineers hate risk. They try to eliminate it whenever they can. This is understandable, given that when an engineer makes one little mistake, the media will treat it like it's a big deal or something.
EXAMPLES OF BAD PRESS FOR ENGINEERS
* Hindenberg.
* Space Shuttle Challenger.
* SPANet(tm)
* Hubble space telescope.
* Apollo 13.
* Titanic.
* Ford Pinto.
* Corvair.
* Millenium Timer - River Liffey
The risk/reward calculation for engineers looks something like this
RISK Public humiliation and the death of thousands of innocent people.
REWARD A certificate of appreciation in a handsome plastic frame.
Being practical people, engineers evaluate this balance of risks and rewards and decide that risk is not a good thing. The best way to avoid risk is by advising that any activity is technically impossible for reasons that are far too complicated to explain.
If that approach is not sufficient to halt a project, then the engineer will fall back to a second line of defense "It's technically possible but it will cost too much."
EGO
Ego-wise, two things are important to engineers
* How smart they are.
* How many cool devices they own.
The fastest way to get an engineer to solve a problem is to declare that the problem is unsolvable. No engineer can walk away from an unsolvable problem until it's solved.
Here are some "thoughts for the day"!
1. "Your future depends on your dreams" So go to sleep !
2. There should be a better way to start a day than waking up every morning !
3. "ALCOHOL KILLS SLOWLY" So what ? Who's in a hurry ?
4. "Hard work never killed anybody" But why take the risk ! (I don't want to be an exception!)
5. "Work fascinates me" I can look at it for hours !
6. God made relatives; Thank God we can choose our friends.
7. My girlfriend ran away with my best friend and I really miss him!!
8. I live in a very liberal town. They just changed the name of a street from "LOVER'S LANE" to "SEX DRIVE"
9. God is Alive! Speak to Him!! (It's cheaper after nine !)
10. When two's company, three's the result!
11. A dress is like a barbed fence; It protects the premises without restricting the view !
12. Being sexy is a hard job for me; but somebody has to do it !
13. Love is photogenic; it needs darkness to develop.
14. A good discussion is like a miniskirt; Short enough to sustain interest and long enough to cover the subject !
15. children in backseats cause accidents; Accidents in backseats cause children !
16. A girl is like a road; the more curves she has the more dangerous she is !
The following are children's answers to Sunday school questions in a Church of England, as they were reprinted by St. Paul's (Episcopal) Church in Seattle, Washington
Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark.
Henry VIII thought so much of Wolsey that he made him a cardigan.
The fifth commandment is Humor thy father and mother.
Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day but a ball of fire at night.
When Mary heard she was to be the mother of Jesus, she went off and sang the Magna Carta.
Salome was a woman who danced naked in front of Harrod's (a London department store)
Holy acrimony is another name for marriage.
Christians can have only one wife. This is called monotony.
The Pope lives in a vacuum.
Paraffin is next in order after seraphim.
Today, wild beasts are confined to the Theological Gardens.
The patron saint of travelers is St. Francis of the seasick.
Iran is the Bible of the Muslims.
A Republican is a sinner mentioned in the Bible. (LOL RIGHT ON!!)
Abraham begat Isaac and Isaac begat Jacob and Jacob begat twelve partridges.
The natives of Macedonia did not believe, so Paul got stoned.
The First Commandment Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
It is sometimes difficult to hear what is being said in church because the agnostics are so terrible.
Subject The Quintessential Dan Quayle
"I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people"
--J. Danforth Quayle
"Welcome to President Bush, Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts."
--Vice President Dan Quayle
"Mars is essentially in the same orbit... Mars is somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe."
--Vice President Dan Quayle, 8/11/89
"What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is."
--Vice President Dan Quayle
(during a fundraising event for the United Negro College Fund..."a mind is a terrible thing to waste"...)
"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century"
--Vice President Dan Quayle, 9/15/88
"I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy - but that could change."
--Vice President Dan Quayle, 5/22/89
"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice president, and that one word is 'to be prepared'."
--Vice President Dan Quayle, 12/6/89
"May our nation continue to be the beakon of hope to the world."
--The Quayles' 1989 Christmas card. [not a beacon of literacy though]
"Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things."
--Vice President Dan Quayle, 11/30/88
We don't want to go back to tomorrow, we want to go forward."
--Vice President Dan Quayle
"I have made good judgements in the past. I have made good judgements in the future."
--Vice President Dan Quayle
"The future will be better tomorrow."
--Vice President Dan Quayle
"We're going to have the best-educated American people in the world."
--Vice President Dan Quayle, 9/21/88
"People that are really weird can get into sensitive positions and have a tremendous impact on history."
--Vice President Dan Quayle
"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made."
--Vice President Dan Quayle to Sam Donaldson, 8/17/89
"We have a firm commitment to NATO. We are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe."
--Vice President Dan Quayle
"Public speaking is very easy."
--Vice President Dan Quayle to reporters in 10/88
"I am not part of the problem. I am a Republican."
--Vice President Dan Quayle
"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."
--Vice President Dan Quayle
"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls."
--Vice President Dan Quayle
"When I have been asked during these last weeks who caused the riots and the killing in L.A., my answer has been direct and simple Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame."
--Vice President Dan Quayle
Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having it."
--Vice President Dan Quayle, 5/20/92
[reported in Esquire, 8/92]
"Murphy Brown is doing better than I am. At least she knows she still has a job next year."
--Vice President Dan Quayle
"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
--Vice President Dan Quayle, 9/22/90
"For NASA, space is still a high priority."
--Vice President Dan Quayle, 9/5/90
"Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children."
--Vice President Dan Quayle
"The American people would not want to know of any misquotes that Dan Quayle may or may not make."
--Vice President Dan Quayle
"We're all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on the mistakes we may or may not have made."
--Vice President Dan Quayle
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
--Vice President Dan Quayle
"[It's] time for the human race to enter the solar system."
--Vice President Dan Quayle
Little Johnny Jokes
A SHORT HISTORY OF MEDICINE
"Doctor, I have an ear ache."
2000 B.C. - "Here, eat this root."
1000 B.C. - "That root is heathen, say this prayer."
1850 A.D. - "That prayer is superstition, drink this potion."
1940 A.D. - "That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill."
1985 A.D. - "That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic."
2000 A.D. - "That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root!"
Doctor I have some bad news and some very bad news.
Patient Well, might as well give me the bad news first.
Doctor The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live.
Patient 24 hours! That's terrible! What could be worse? What's the very bad news?
Doctor I've been trying to reach you since yesterday.
One sunny day a rabbit came out of her hole in the ground to enjoy the fine weather. The day was so nice that she became careless and a fox snuck up behind her and caught her. "I am going to eat you for lunch!", said the fox. "Wait!", replied the rabbit, "You should at least wait a few days."
"Oh yeah? Why should I wait?"
"Well, I am just finishing my thesis on 'The Superiority of rabbits over Foxes and Wolves.'"
"Are you crazy? I should eat you right now! Everybody knows that a fox will always win over a rabbit."
"Not really, not according to my research. If you like, you can come into my hole and read it for yourself. If you are not convinced, you can go ahead and have me for lunch."
"You really are crazy!" But since the fox was curious and had nothing to lose, it went with the rabbit. The fox never came out. A few days later the rabbit was again taking a break from writing and sure enough, a wolf came out of the bushes and was ready to set upon her.
"Wait!" yelled the rabbit, "you can't eat me right now."
"And why might that be, my furry appetizer?"
"I am almost finished writing my thesis on 'The Superiority of Rabbits over Foxes and Wolves.'"
The wolf laughed so hard that it almost lost its grip on the rabbit.
"Maybe I shouldn't eat you; you really are sick ... in the head. You might have something contagious."
"Come and read it for yourself; you can eat me afterward if you disagree with my conclusions." So the wolf went down into the rabbit's hole ... and never came out.
The rabbit finished her thesis and was out celebrating in the local lettuce patch. Another rabbit came along and asked, "What's up? You seem very happy."
"Yup, I just finished my thesis."
"Congratulations. What's it about?"
"'The Superiority of Rabbits over Foxes and Wolves.'" "Are you sure? That doesn't sound right."
"Oh yes. Come and read it for yourself."
So together they went down into the rabbit's hole. As they entered, the friend saw the typical graduate abode, albeit a rather messy one after writing a thesis. The computer with the controversial work was in one corner. And to the right there was a pile of fox bones, on the left a pile of wolf bones. And in the middle was a large, well-fed lion.
The moral of the story The title of your thesis doesn't matter. The subject doesn't matter. The research doesn't matter.
All that matters is who your advisor is.
Talk about others and you're a gossip, talk about yourself and you're a bore.
"Do you feel like a cup of coffee?"
"Of course not; do I look like one?"
If your wife wants to learn how to drive, don't stand in her way.
"I thought you were on diet?"
"I am. But I've had my diet and now I'm having my dinner."
"How is your wife getting along on her reducing diet?"
"Fine. She vanished last night."
"When I was born they fired a 21-gun salute."
"Too bad they missed."
"I nearly got killed yesterday. I went to an antique shop and asked
"What's new?"
"Should women have children after 35?"
"No, 35 children are enough!"
I never agree with my boss until he says something.
My son is now at an awkward age too old to cry and too young to swear.
The best way to keep fishes from smelling is to cut off their noses.
"Are you coming for my 18th birthday party?"
"No, I went for that five years ago."
Many a poor husband was once a rich bachelor.
No one has ever complained of a parachute not opening.
This place is so fancy, you've got to be shaved before you enter the barbershop.
Every family should have three children, if one turns out to be a genius, the other two can support him.
By the time a man can read women like a book he's too old to start a library.
He shot both his parents so he could go to the orphans picnic.
"Is your husband a bookworm?"
"No, just an ordinary one."
Every time I put my foot down my wife steps on it.
Living on Earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free trip around the Sun.
-----------------------------------
Quote from a recent meeting "We are going to continue having these meetings, everyday, until I find out why no work is getting done".
Quote from the Boss... "I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame it on you."
A motivational sign at work The beatings will continue until morale improves.
A direct quote from the Boss "We passed over a lot of good people to get the ones we hired."
My Boss frequently gets lost in thought. That's because it's unfamiliar territory.
My Boss said to me " What you see as a glass ceiling, I see as a protective barrier.
My Boss needs a surge protector. That way his mouth would be buffered from surprise spikes in his brain.
I thought my Boss was a bastard, and quit, to work for myself. My new Boss is a bastard, too ... but at least I respect him.
He's given automobile accident victims new hope for recovery. He walks, talks and performs rudimentary tasks, all without the benefit of a SPINE.
Some people climb the ladder of success. My Boss walked under it. Quote from the Boss after overriding the decision of a task force he created to find a solution " I'm sorry if I ever gave you the impression your input would have any effect on my decision for the outcome of this project!"
HR Manager to job candidate "I see you've had no computer training. Although that qualifies you for upper management, it means you're under-qualified for our entry level positions."
Quote from telephone inquiry "We're only hiring one summer intern this year and we won't start interviewing candidates for that position until the Boss' daughter finishes her summer classes.
Sex is like a savings account,
..........after a withdrawal you lose interest............
1. If you meet a woman, and you like her, then she...
has a boyfriend
is lesbian
has many friends she prefers to you
doesn't notice you're there
2. If a girl likes you, then you won't know before she has lost her interest in you and it is impossible to get her back.
3. If you meet a girl who likes you, and you like her, and she doesn't have a boyfriend, then she will have one within the week, and it isn't you.
4. The only way to win a girl is to take her love for granted (if you keep questioning it, she'll get tired of you).
5. If you take love for granted, everything will just go to hell.
6. If you don't have a girlfriend, there's always someone to remind you about it.
7. If you know a girl, date her, etc. etc. and in the end tell her that you love her, you won't hear from her again for the rest of your life.
8. About who picks you up
If you're heterosexual, then homosexuals will try to pick you up.
If you're homosexual, then heterosexuals will try to pick you up.
If you're bi-sexual, then no one will try to pick you up.
9. If you have a friend who knows a girl who is desperately looking for a boy, he'll splice her with someone else.
10. About finding love
If you hope that you have found love, you'll get very disappointed.
If you think that you have found love, you're wrong.
If you know that you have found love, you have been misinformed.
If you have found love, you won't know about it before it is lost.
11. There's always someone who is happy for his/her entire life, and it isn't you.
12. If you both love something, she'll hate it next week.
13. About winning/losing
If you don't have anything to lose, you won't win.
If you have something to lose, you'll lose it.
If you don't have anything to win, you'll win so that you can lose more.
14. If she's having a good time, it's not because of you.
15. About dating
If she didn't say anything, she'll bring her boyfriend she never told you about.
If she arrives with her girlfriend, it's because she wants some kind of protection, not to put the two of you together.
If she comes alone, it's because she looks at you as a friend, and there isn't a chance in the world you'll ever be more than a friend.
The more I think of you, the more I
Love you; I cannot see how any one could
Hate you. You have always been to me an
honest, faithful friend, and I hope my love is not an
Object of contempt. It is true that Once I said
I would never marry, but that was before
I loved you. That assertion you know was
uttered in a bragging manner, in fact not but
a lie, and I do not know why I made it. If I
could even pluck up enough courage to
offer you my hand I know very well you
would be surprised and I doubt if you
would accept it. I do not think I would
listen to a refusal from your lips and
thus make my whole life miserable. To die
without ever expressing my love for you
would be preferable to that. If you write to me
I shall be happy, but if you do not
I shall be miserable and gloomy, your letters
are a source of pleasure and a failure to get them
always make me feel like committing suicide.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
now read this letter again...but only the odd numbered lines..!!
Albert Einstein "Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former."
Woody Allen "I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown."
Rich Cook "Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning."
Calvin and Hobbes (Bill Watterson) "The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us."
Teacher Children! We are having surprise history test. Who said "I came, I saw, I conquered?"
Class mutter... grumble... [nobody knows except...]
Mohammed Miss! It was Julius Caesar in 32bc! [allow me some license with the dates. OK?]
Teacher Ah! A new face. What is your name?
Mohammed Mohammed, Miss, from Pakistan
Teacher Well thank you Mohammed. Now who said "We shall fight them on the beaches, we shall fight them in the air, we shall never surrender"?
Class mumble... mutter... [again nobody knows except Mohammed]
Mohammed Miss! Winston Churchill in 1939!
Teacher Well done Mohammed. And I hope that the rest of the class is suitably embarrassed. This little boy from another land knows more about this country's history than all of you put together!
Chintu Singh's voice from the back FUCK the Pakis!
Teacher Who said that?
Voice Mike Gatting, Miss! In 1987!
The Dark Sucker Theory
For years, it has been believed that electric bulbs emit light, but recent information has proved otherwise. Electric bulbs don't emit light; they suck dark. Thus, we call these bulbs Dark Suckers.
The Dark Sucker Theory and the existence of dark suckers prove that dark has mass and is heavier than light. First, the basis of the Dark Sucker Theory is that electric bulbs suck dark. For example, take the Dark Sucker in the room you are in. There is much less dark right next to it than there is elsewhere. The larger the Dark Sucker, the greater its capacity to suck dark. Dark Suckers in the parking lot have a much greater capacity to suck dark than the ones in this room. So with all things, Dark Suckers don't last forever. Once they are full of dark, they can no longer suck. This is proven by the dark spot on a full Dark Sucker.
A candle is a primitive Dark Sucker. A new candle has a white wick.You can see that after the first use, the wick turns black, representing all the dark that has been sucked into it. If you put a pencil next to the wick of an operating candle, it will turn black. This is because it got in the way of the dark flowing into the candle. One of the disadvantages of these primitive Dark Suckers is their limited range. There are also portable Dark Suckers. In these, the bulbs can't handle all the dark by themselves and must be aided by a Dark StorageUnit. When the Dark Storage Unit is full, it must be either emptied or replaced before the portable Dark Sucker can operate again. Dark has mass. When dark goes into a Dark Sucker, friction from the mass generates heat. Thus, it is not wise to touch an operating Dark Sucker. Candles present a special problem as the mass must travel into a solid wick instead of through clear glass. This generates a great amount of heat and therefore it's not wise to touch an Operating candle.
Also, dark is heavier than light. If you were to swim just below the surface of the lake, you would see a lot of light. If you were to slowly swim deeper and deeper, you would notice it getting darker and darker. When you get really deep, you would be in total darkness. This is because the heavier dark sinks to the bottom of the lake and the lighter light floats at the top. That is why it is called light.
Finally, we must prove that dark is faster than light. If you were to stand in a lit room in front of a closed, dark closet, and slowly opened the closet door, you would see the light slowly enter the closet.
But since dark is so fast, you would not be able to see the dark leave the closet.
Next time you see an electric bulb, remember that it is a Dark Sucker.
Richard's young son, age 5, came running "Daddy, Daddy, there is a lion in the garage."
Richard "Nonsense, son. You know there isn't any lion in there. Here, I will go there empty-handed and show you."
Richard would have been 35 next month.
Mortal What is a million years like to you?
God Like one second.
Mortal What is a million dollars like to you?
God Like one penny.
Mortal Can I have a penny?
God Just a second...
Letter from son at school
Dear Dad,
Gue$$ what I need mo$t. That'$ right. $end it $oon.
Be$t wi$he$,
Jay
Reply
Dear Jay,
NOthing ever happens here. We kNOw you like school. Write aNOther letter
soon. Mom was asking about you at NOon.
NOw I have to say good-bye.
Dad
I live in a very liberal town.
They just changed the name of a street from "LOVER'S LANE" to "SEX DRIVE"
When two's company, three's the result !
A modern dress is like a barbed fence;
It protects the premises without restricting the view !
A good discussion is like a miniskirt;
Short enough to pertain interest and long enough to cover the subject !
children in backseats cause accidents;
Accidents in backseats cause children !
A girl is like a road;Like a miniskirt;
the more curves she has the more dangerous she is !
"Your future depends on your dreams"
So go to sleep !
"ALCOHOL KILLS SLOWLY"
So what ? Who's in a hurry ?
"Hard work never killed anybody"
But why take the risk !
God made relatives;
Thank God we can choose our friends.
My girlfriend ran away with my best friend and I really miss him !!
God is Alive! Speak to Him!!
(It's cheaper after eleven !)
Being sexy is a hard job for me;
but somebody has to do it !
Q What is an elephant's sex organ?
A His foot... If he steps on you you're FUCKED!
Frank always looked on the bright side. He would constantly irritate his friends with his eternal optimism. No matter how horrible the circumstance, he would always reply, "It could have been worse."
To cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a situation so completely bad, so terrible, that even Frank could find no hope in it.
On the golf course one day, one of them said, "Frank, did you hear about Tom? He came home last night, found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both, then turned the gun on himself."
"That's awful," said Frank, "But it could have been worse."
"How in the hell," asked his bewildered friend, "could it have been worse?"
"Well," said Frank, "If it had happened the night before, I'd be dead now."
A famous statistician would never travel by airplane, because he had studied air travel and estimated the probability of there being a bomb on any given flight was 1 in a million, and he was not prepared to accept these odds.
One day a colleague met him at a conference far from home. "How did you get here, by train?"
"No, I flew"
"What about your fear for the possibiltiy of a bomb?"
Well, I began thinking that if the odds of one bomb are 1million, then the odds of TWO bombs are (1/1,000,000) x (1/1,000,000). This is a very, very small probability, which I can accept. So, now I bring my own bomb along!"
Early one morning a mother went to her sleeping son and woke him up. " Wake up, son . It's time to go to school."
The son " But why, Mama? I don't want to go to school."
Mama "Give me two reason s why you don't want to go to school."
" One, all the children hate me. Two, all the teachers hate me," replied the son.
" Oh! that's no reason . Come on, you have to go to school," Mama insists.
The son retorts," Give me two good reason s WHY I should go to school?"
Mama replies," One, you are FIFTY TWO years old. Two, you are the PRINCIPAL of the school."
This guy goes to the doctor and says 'Doc, I ache all over. Everywhere I touch it hurts.'
The doctor says 'OK. Touch your elbow.'
The guy touches his elbow and winces in genuine pain. The doctor, surprised, says 'Touch your head.'
The guy touches his head and jumps in agony. The doctor asks him to touch his knee and the same thing happens. Everywhere the guy touches he hurts like hell. The doctor is stumped and orders a complete examination with x-rays, etc. and tells the guy to come back in two days. Two days later the guy comes back and the doctor says;
'We've found your problem.'
'Oh yeah? What is it?'
'You've broken your finger!'
An English guy is driving with a Polish guy as his passenger, when he decides to pull over because he suspect that his turn signal may not be working. He asks the Polish guy if he doesn't mind stepping out of the car to check the lights while he tests them. The Polish guy steps out and stands in front of the car.
The English guy turns on the turn signal and asks, "Is it working?" To which the Polish guy responds, "Yes, it's working....No, it's not working....Yes, it's working....No, it's not working...."
During the final days at Denver's old Stapleton airport, a crowded United flight was cancelled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk.
He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be first class."
The agent replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."
The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?"
Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone.
"May I have your attention please?" she began, her voice bellowing throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to the gate."
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore, "F**k you."
Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that, too."
The man retreated as the people in the terminal applauded loudly. Although the flight was cancelled and people were late, they were no longer angry at United.
A truck driver parked his rig outside the diner, walked in and ordered a steak. Just as he was served, three huge bikers swaggered in, picked up the trucker's steak and took it to their table. The driver paid his bill and walked out. "Either that Bozo is chicken or he can't fight," one biker snickered to the waitress. "Can't drive, neither," she said. "He just ran over three motorcycles."
An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender asks him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days
when we drank together."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way he orders three pints and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent.
When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."
The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no," he, says, "everyone's fine. I've just quit drinking."
At the station, the three accountants each bought tickets and watched as the three engineers bought only one ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked an accountant.
"Watch and you'll see", answered an engineer.
They all boarded the train. The accountants took their respective seats, but the three engineers all crammed into a rest room and closed the door behind them.
Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around collecting tickets. He knocked on the restroom door and said, 'Ticket, please".
The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand.
The conductor took it and moved on.
The accountants saw this and agreed it was a quite clever idea. So, after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that).
When they got to the station, they bought a single ticket for the return trip.
To their astonishment, the engineers didn't buy a ticket at all.
"How are you going to ride without a ticket"? said one perplexed accountant.
"Watch and you'll see", answered an engineer.
When they boarded the train, the three accountants crammed into a restroom and the three engineers crammed into another one nearby.
The train departed.
Shortly afterward, one of the engineers left his restroom and walked over to the restroom where the accountants were hiding.
He knocked on the door and said, "Ticket, please".
How To Answer The Tough Interview Questions
By Grunty
A lot of people know how to write a resume and talk their way into an interview. But when they get into the make or break dialogue, they stumble upon tough questions. Below, Grunty offers some advice on approaching the tough questions that interviewers like to throw at job applicants
* Why did you leave your last job?
Real answer It sucked.
What you should say I felt my talents and abilities were underutilized.
* What are your biggest weaknesses?
Real answer I can't concentrate for more than five minutes, hate all forms of authority and tend to fall asleep at my desk.
What you should say I'm a workaholic. I just don't know when to put down my work.
* You don't seem to hold on to a job long. Why should we think you'll stay here any longer than you've stayed elsewhere?
Real answer My employers have always had a hang-up about keeping only competent employees..
What you should say I'm at a point in my career where I am tired of moving around. I really want to feel part of a team, a long-term enterprise, where I can make a contribution.
* How do you handle change?
Real answer I deal with it everyday, unless I'm out of clean underwear.
What you should say I think everyone knows that today the only constant is change. I thrive on it.
* Are you a risk taker?
Real Answer I have unprotected sex with strangers.
What you should say I think it's important to take risks, but don't think you should be reckless. I like to take calculated risks.
* How do you get along with others?
Real answer Fine, as long as they stay the fuck out of my face.
What you should say I think the interpersonal dynamics of the workplace can be among the most satisfying aspects of any job.
* What does the word success mean to you?
Real answer It means that I don't have to drag my sorry ass out of bed to kiss yours.
What you should say Success, for me, would be knowing I am making a difference working with a team of people to make a more profitable enterprise.
* What does the word failure mean to you?
Real answer It means I continue to collect unemployment insurance.
What you should say Failure? I'm sorry, I don't know what you mean. That word is not in my vocabulary.
* Do you get along with your current boss?
Real answer I get along fine, considering what kind of a malicious person he is.
What you should say I don't think I'd call him a boss; he's been more of a mentor to me.
* Do you ever get angry with co-workers?
Real answer I don't get angry, I get even.
What you should say Nothing angers me more than to see a co-worker not pulling his weight, goofing off or stealing. Yes, sometimes I do get angry with co-workers.
* Can I contact your references?
Real answer Sure, but they won't know who I am.
What you should say Some of them are out of the country right now. Maybe I can arrange to have them contact you.
Clinton had heard a lot about Lalu Prasad Yadav & Bihar, so he wanted to meet Lalu Prasad Yadav. Lalu Prasad Yadav was a bit hesitant as did not know how to communicate in English. Bill Clinton communicated that Lalu Prasad Yadav should come to U.S.A. with no hesitation, he himself would teach him English.
So Lalu Prasad Yadav reached U.S.A. & was given a red carpet welcome & was taken to the White House straight away. Bill Clinton said that he alone would teach Lalu Prasad Yadav in a large conference room. Bill Clinton only would open the door when the lessons are over. So it started. 1 hr. passed,2,3,4,5.....hrs. passed; a day passed; two days passed, 3,4,5,6.....; weeks passed.
What a sensation all over America;all decisions were pending; economy came to a standstill.
Same here in India, specially in Bihar. On the 40th day of their lessons, Clinton opened the door & what a sight to see; all his clothes were torn, his face scratched, his otherwise very nicely done hair totally raised.
People were surprised to see him. Lalu Prasad Yadav followed him with his ever glowing face.
Then Clinton's Secretary came forward & asked Clinton, Could you teach English to Lalu Prasad?
Clinton replied,"Eee Lalua Sasura Hamri Ekahu Nahi Sunat Hai."
Chinese Names:
A Hero Hiro Hito Hun
Hero's mother Hiro Ki Ma
A secretary Li Kho Li Kho
A Waiter Chai En Pao Lao (chai aur pao lao)
A cook Pu Lao Pakao
A Sadhu San T' Sa-Tsung
A Soldier Tien Shun (Tension)
A Watchman Kuon Hai (Kaun Hai)
A milkman Pa Nih Mi Lao (pani milao)
A Rich man Ma La Mal
A deaf girl Kya Kaha
A Beautiful girl Hsein Ah (Hasina)
A villager who comes to the city- Hakka Bakka
Strip tease artist Sabu `Taro
Best comedy artist in the country Pha `ni
An American politician was thrown out of office when he was caught...(fill in the blank). Rather than leave the political realm, he decided to journey to Africa and begin anew.
He hired a staff and began his campaign tour. At his first stop the turnout was massive. People had come from miles around. He stepped up to the podium and began to speak. At each pause the people responded with great emotion, raising their fists into the air and shouting, "Umbali!" When it was over he was sure that he had made an impression as the shouting and yelling of "Umbali!" had gone on for hours.
As he was walking away he said to his translator, "This is the start of something big!"
To which the translator replied, "That's great, but don't step in the elephant Umbali."
Ways to Cope with Stress
1. Jam miniature marshmallows up your nose and sneeze them out. See how many you can do at one time.
2. Pop some popcorn without the lid on.
3. Make a "to-do" list of things you've already done, and cross them off with great ceremony.
4. When someone says, "Have a nice day," tell them you have other plans.
5. Fill out your IRS forms with Roman numerals.
6. Tape photos of your enemies on watermelons and drop them from high places.
7. Go shopping. Buy everything. Sweat in it. Return it.
8. Stare at people through the tines of your fork and pretend they're in jail.
9. Pay your largest utility bill in person, in pennies.
10. Use your Master Card to pay off your Visa and vice versa, then cancel both of them.
A voice was heard to say "Pilot to tower. Didn't check guage. I'm 300 miles from land, 600 feet high in the air, and running out of gas. Please instruct."
Back came the answer "Repeat after me 'Our Father, who are in heaven...'"
MATHEMATICIANS hunt elephants by going to Africa, throwing out everything that is not an elephant, and catching one of whatever is left.
EXPERIENCED MATHEMATICIANS will attempt to prove the existence of at least
one unique elephant before proceeding to step 1 as a subordinate exercise.
PROFESSORS OF MATHEMATICS will prove the existence of at least one unique elephant and then leave the detection and capture of an actual elephant as an exercise for their graduate students.
COMPUTER SCIENTISTS hunt elephants by exercising Algorithm A
1. Go to Africa.
2. Start at the Cape of Good Hope.
3. Work northward in an orderly manner, traversing the continent
alternately east and west.
4. During each traverse pass,
a. Catch each animal seen.
b. Compare each animal caught to a known elephant.
c. Stop when a match is detected.
EXPERIENCED COMPUTER PROGRAMMERS modify Algorithm A by placing a known elephant in Cairo to ensure that the algorithm will terminate.
ASSEMBLY LANGUAGE PROGRAMMERS prefer to execute Algorithm A on their hands and knees.
DATABASE ADMINISTRATORS do not need to go out and capture elephants when they can retrieve them simply with an ad hoc query
SELECT * FROM AFRICAN_CRITTERS
WHERE CRITTER_TYPE 'TERRESTRIAL'
AND SIZE 'LARGE'
AND COLOR 'GRAY'
AND TRUNK 'YES'
AND ODOR IS NOT NULL;
ENGINEERS hunt elephants by going to Africa, catching gray animals at random, and stopping when any one of them weighs within plus or minus 15 percent of any previously observed elephant.
SYSTEMS INTEGRATION ENGINEERS are not so concerned with hunting elephants as with creating a seamless interface between the elephants and their environment.
ECONOMISTS don't hunt elephants, but they believe that if elephants are paid enough, they will hunt themselves.
STATISTICIANS hunt the first animal they see N times and call it an elephant.
CONSULTANTS don't hunt elephants, and many have never hunted anything at all, but they can be hired by the hour to advise those people who do.
OPERATIONS RESEARCH CONSULTANTS can also measure the correlation of hat size and bullet color to the efficiency of elephant-hunting strategies, if someone else will only identify the elephants.
POLITICIANS don't hunt elephants, but they will share the elephants you catch with the people who voted for them.
LAWYERS don't hunt elephants, but they do follow the herds around arguing about who owns the droppings.
SOFTWARE LAWYERS will claim that they own an entire herd based on the look and feel of one dropping.
VICE PRESIDENTS OF ENGINEERING, RESEARCH, AND DEVELOPMENT try hard to hunt
elephants, but their staffs are designed to prevent it. When the vice president does get to hunt elephants, the staff will try to ensure that all possible elephants are completely pre-hunted before the vice president
sees them. If the vice president does see a non-pre-hunted elephant, (in other words, a live one) the staff will (1) compliment the vice president's keen eyesight and (2) enlarge itself to prevent any recurrence.
SENIOR MANAGERS set broad elephant-hunting policy based on the assumption that elephants are just like field mice, but with deeper voices.
QUALITY ASSURANCE INSPECTORS ignore the elephants and look for mistakes the other hunters made when they were packing the jeep.
SALES PEOPLE don't hunt elephants but spend their time selling elephants they haven't caught, for delivery two days before the season opens.
SOFTWARE SALES PEOPLE ship the first thing they catch and write up an invoice for an elephant.
HARDWARE SALES PEOPLE catch rabbits, paint them gray, and sell them as desktop elephants.
And finally, my submission
Help Desk Consultants assist elephant hunters by asking the following questions
Do you have the elephant in front of you now?
What color is it, gray or pink?
If pink, then refer caller to Psych dept.
Got your gun? Bullets, too?
If no, it's a hardware problem.
Version (M/F)?
If female, you've got the wrong version.
Is the elephant charging?
If yes, put caller on hold until problem resolves itself
It was about a month ago when a Dutchman in Amsterdam felt that he needed to confess, so went to the local priest. "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. During WWII I hid a Jew in my attic." "Well," answered the priest, "that's not a sin."
"But I charged him for 20 Gulden for every week he stayed there."
"I admit that wasn't good, but you did it for a good cause."
"Yes, but I haven't told him that the war is over."
A tourist is walking on a country road when a farmer comes along with his cart.
"How far is it to Suwalki, please?" the tourist asks.
"Half an hour."
"May I ride with you?"
"Certainly."
After half an hour the tourist begins to grow uneasy.
"How much further is it, then?" he queries.
"Oh, an hour or so."
"What? You told me it was only half an hour away, and we've been travelling that long already!"
"Yes, but in the opposite direction."
A boy asks his father to explain the differences among irritation, aggravation, and frustration.
Dad picks up the phone and dials a number at random. When the phone is answered he asks, "Can I speak to Alf, please?"
"No! There's no one called Alf here." The person hangs up.
"That's irritation," says Dad.
He picks up the phone again, dials the same number and asks for Alf a second time.
"No -- there's no one here called Alf. Go away. If you call again I shall telephone the police." End of conversation.
"That's aggravation."
"Then what's 'frustration'?" asks his son.
The father picks up the phone and dials a third time "Hello, this is Alf. Have I received any phone calls?"
1.All articles that coruscate with resplendence are not truly auriferous.
2.Sorting on the part of mendicants must be interdicted.
3.Male cadavers are incapable of rendering any testimony.
4.Neophite's serendipity.
5.A revolving lithic conglomerate accumulates no congeries of small, green, biophytic plant.
6.Members of an avian species of identical plumage tend to congregate.
7.Pulchritude possesses solely cutaneous profundity.
8.Freedom from incrustations of grime is contiguous to rectitude.
9.It is fruitless to become lachrymose of precipitately departed lactile fluid.
10.Eschew the implement of correction and vitiate the scion.
11.The stylus is more potent than the rapier.
12.It is fruitless to attempt to indoctrinate a superannuated canine with innovative maneuvers.
13.Surveillance should precede saltation.
14.Scintillate, scintillate, asteroid minim. (not a proverb)
15.The person presenting the ultimate cachinnation possesses thereby the optimal cachinnation.
16. Exclusive dedication to necessitous chores without interludes of hedonistic diversion renders John a hebetudinous fellow.
17.Individuals who make their abodes in vitreous edifices would be advised to refrain from catapulting petrous projectiles.
18.Where there are visible vapors having their provenance in ignited carbonaceous materials, there is conflagration.
Answers -
-------------------
1. All that Glitters is not Gold.
2. Beggars cannot be choosers.
3. Dead men tell no tales.
4. Beginner's luck
5. A Rolling Stone gathers no Moss.
6. Birds of a feather flock together.
7. Beauty is only skin-deep.
8. Cleanliness is next to Godliness.
9. Dont cry over Spilt Milk.
10.Spare the Rod and Spoil the Child.
11. The Pen is Mightier than the Sword.
12. You cant teach an Old Dog new Tricks.
13. Look before you leap.
14. Twinkle twinkle little star
15. One whom laughs the last,laughs the best.
16. All work and No Play makes Jack (?) a Dull boy.
17. Those who live Glass Houses should cast no stones.
18. Where there is smoke,there will be fire.
1)Why did the sherrif shoot the muddy chicken who crossed the road twice?
The chicken was a Dirty Little Double- Crosser.
2)Whats the diff betwixt a cat and a sentence?
Cat - has claws ( clause) at the end of its paws ( pause )
vice versa for the sentence.
3)Whats the funny thing re legs?
Well , If you climb to the top , you get to the bottom.
4)What were Tarzans last words ?
"Who greased the vine?"
5)What does tarzan say when he sees a dead leopard?
Wow designer briefs at last!
6)Whats worse than finding a worm in the apple you have just bitten?
Finding half a worm!
7)What does pink panther say when he sees a dead ant?
" Dead ant , dead ant , deadant, deadant, deadant-------( remember the title music of p p).
A businessman walks into a bank in New York and asks for the loan officer. He says he is going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan. So the businessman hands over the keys to a Rolls-Royce parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the businessman returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is; why would you bother to borrow $5,000? The businessman replied Where else in New York can I park my car for two weeks for 15 bucks?
A blonde and a redhead met in a bar after work for a drink, and were watching the 6 O'clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge. The blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump, and the redhead replied, "I'll take that bet!" Anyway, sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead the $50 she owed. The redhead said "I can't take this, you're my friend". The blonde said "No. A bet's a bet". So the redhead said "Listen, I have to admit, I saw this on the 5 o'clock news, so I can't take your money". The blonde replied "well, so did I, but I never thought he'd jump again!"
During the recent hand over ceremony of HongKong to China by the British, it started raining. The British remarked "Even the Gods are crying about us leaving this place".
The Chinese replied "The Gods are only cleaning up the mess left behind by the British"
During WWII, an American soldier had been on the front lines in Europe for three months, when he was finally given a week of R&R He caught a supply boat to a supply base in the south of England, then caught a train to London. The train was extremely crowded and he could not find a seat.
He was dead on his feet and walked the length of the train looking for any place to sit down. Finally he found a compartment with seats facing each other; there was room for two people on each seat. On one side sat only a proper looking, older British lady, with a small dog sitting in the empty seat beside her.
"Could I please sit in that seat?" he asked. The lady was insulted. "You bloody Americans are so rude", she said, "can't you see my dog is sitting there"?
He walked through the train once more and still could not find a seat. He found himself back at the same place. "Lady, I love dogs - have a couple at home - so I would be glad to hold your dog if I can sit down", he said. The lady replied, "You Americans are not only rude you are arrogant".
He leaned against the wall for a time, but was so tired he finally said, "Lady, I've been on the front lines in Europe for three months with not a decent rest for all that time. Could I please sit there and hold your dog?"
The lady replied, "You Americans are not only rude and arrogant, you are also obnoxious." With that comment, the soldier calmly stepped in, picked up the dog, threw it out the window, and sat down. The lady was speechless.
An older, neatly dressed Englishman sitting across on the other seat spoke up. "Young man, I do not know if all you Americans fit the lady's description of you or not. But I do know that you Americans do a lot of things wrong. You drive on the wrong side of the road, you hold your fork with the wrong hand, and now you have just thrown the wrong bitch out of the window."
This man in a Ford Granada pulls up next to a guy in a Rolls Royce at a stop sign. Their windows are open and he yells at the guy in the Rolls "Hey, you got a telephone in there?"
The guy in the Rolls says "Yes, of course I do."
"I got one too... see?"
"Uh huh, yes, that's very nice."
Then the man in the Granada says, "You got a fax machine?"
"Why, actually, yes, I do."
"I do too! See? It's right here!"
"Uh-huh."
The light is just about to turn green and the guy in the Granada says, "So, do YOU have a double bed in back there?"
And the guy in the Rolls says "NO! Do you?"
"Yep, got my double bed right in back here see?!"
The light turns and the man in the Granada takes off. Well, the guy in the Rolls is not about to be one-upped, so he goes immediately to a customizing shop and orders them to put a double bed in back of his
car. About two weeks later, the job is finally done and he picks up his car and drives all over town looking for the Granada. He finally finds it parked alongside the road so he pulls his Rolls up next to it. The windows on the Granada are all fogged up and he feels a little awkward about it, but he gets out of his newly modified Rolls and taps on the foggy window of the Granada. The man in the Granada finally opens the window a crack and and peeks out and the guy in the Rolls says, "Hey. Remember me?"
"Yeah, Yeah, I remember you. What's up?"
"Check this out . I got a double bed installed in my Rolls."
And the man in the Granada says, "YOU GOT ME OUT OF THE SHOWER TO TELL ME THAT?!"
A true story Univ of Texas at Austin. A thermodynamics professor had written a take home exam for his graduate students. It had one question
"Is hell exothermic or endothermic? Support your answer with a proof."
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law or some variant. One student, however wrote the following
First, we postulate that if souls exist, then they must have some mass. If they do, then a mole of souls can also have a mass. So, at what rate are souls moving into hell and at what rate are souls leaving?
I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for souls entering hell, lets look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to hell. Since, there are more than one of these religions and people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change in volume in hell. Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in hell to stay the same, the ratio of the mass of souls and volume needs to stay constant. So, if hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter hell, then the temperature and pressure in hell will increase until all hell breaks loose.
Of course, if hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in hell, than the temperature and pressure will drop until hell freezes over.
It was not revealed what grade the student got.
During the heat of the space race in the 1960s, the U.S. National Aeronautics and Space Administration decided it needed a ball point pen to write in the zero gravity confines of its space capsules. After considerable research and development, the Astronaut Pen was developed at a cost of approximately $1 million U.S. The pen worked and also enjoyed some modest success as a novelty item back here on earth. The Soviet Union, faced with the same problem, used a pencil
**HOW TO STAY STRESSED**
* STRESS HELPS YOU SEEM IMPORTANT Anyone as stressed as you must be working very hard and, therefore, is probably doing something very crucial.
* IT HELPS YOU TO MAINTAIN PERSONAL DISTANCE AND AVOID INTIMACY
Anyone as busy as you are certainly can't be expected to form emotional attachments to anyone. And let's face it, you're not much fun to be around anyway.
* IT HELPS YOU AVOID RESPONSIBILITIES Obviously, you are too stressed to be given any more work. This gets you off the hook for all the mundane chores; let someone else take care of them.
* IT HELPS YOU AVOID SUCCESS Why risk being successful, when by simply being stressed you can avoid all of that? Stress can keep your performance level low enough that success won't ever be a threat.
* IT GIVES YOU A CHEMICAL RUSH Stress might be considered a cheap thrill, and you can give yourself a 'hit' any time you choose. But, be careful. You might get addicted to your own adrenaline.
* STRESS ALSO HELPS YOU KEEP YOUR AUTHORITARIAN MANAGEMENT STYLE
The authoritarian style of 'just do what I say!' is generally permissible under crisis conditions. If you maintain a permanently stressed crisis atmosphere, you can justify an authoritarian style all of the time.
AND here's HOW to stay stressed
* NEVER EXERCISE Exercise wastes a lot of the time that could be spent worrying.
* EAT ANYTHING YOU WANT Hey, if cigarette smoke can't cleanse your system, a balanced diet isn't likely to either.
* GAIN WEIGHT Work hard at staying at least 25 pounds over your recommended weight.
* TAKE PLENTY OF STIMULANTS The old standards of caffeine, nicotine, sugar, and cola will continue to do the job just fine.
* AVOID 'WOO-WOO' PRACTICES Ignore the evidence suggesting that meditation, yoga, deep breathing, and/or mental imaging help to reduce stress. The Protestant work ethic is good for everyone, Protestant or not.
* GET RID OF YOUR SOCIAL SUPPORT SYSTEM Let the few friends who are willing to tolerate you know that you concern yourself with friendships only if you have time, and you never have time. If a few people persist in trying to be your friend, avoid them.
* PERSONALIZE ALL CRITICISM Anyone who criticizes any aspect of your work, family, dog, house, or car is mounting a personal attack. Don't take the time to listen, be offended, then return the attack!
* THROW OUT YOUR SENSE OF HUMOR Staying stressed is no laughing matter, and it shouldn't be treated as one.
* MALES AND FEMALES ALIKE-BE MACHO Never ask for any help, and if you want it done right, do it yourself!
* BECOME A WORKAHOLIC Put work before everything else, and be sure to take work home evenings and weekends. Keep reminding yourself that vacations are for sissies.
* DISCARD GOOD TIME MANAGEMENT SKILLS Schedule more activities every day than you can possibly get done, then worry about it all whenever you get a chance.
* PROCRASTINATE Putting things off to the last second always produces a marvelous amount of stress.
* WORRY ABOUT THINGS YOU CAN'T CONTROL Worry about the stock market, earthquakes, the approaching Ice Age. You know, all the big issues.
* BECOME NOT ONLY A PERFECTIONIST BUT SET IMPOSSIBLY HIGH STANDARDS and either beat yourself up, or feel guilty, depressed, discouraged, and or inadequate when you don't meet them.
April 18, 1994
Mr. John T. Mongan
123 Main Street
Smalltown, California 94123-4567
Dear John
You've got the grades. You've certainly got the PSAT scores. And now you've got a letter from MIT. Maybe you're surprised. Most students would be.
But you're not most students. And that's exactly why I urge you to consider carefully one of the most selective universities in America.
The level of potential reflected in your performance is a powerful indicator that you might well be an excellent candidate for MIT. It certainly got my attention!
Engineering's not for you? No problem. It may surprise you to learn we offer more than 40 major fields of study, from architecture to brain and cognitive sciences, from economics (perhaps the best program in the country) to writing.
What? Of course, you don't want to be bored. Who does? Life here *is* tough *and* demanding, but it's also *fun*. MIT students are imaginative and creative - inside and outside the classroom.
You're interested in athletics? Great! MIT has more varsity teams - 39 - than almost any other university, and a tremendous intramural program so everybody can participate.
You think we're too expensive? Don't be too sure. We've got surprises for you there, too.
Why not send the enclosed Information Request to find out more about this unique institution? Why not do it right now?
Sincerely,
Michael C. Benhke Director of Admissions
P.S. If you'd like a copy of a fun-filled, fact-filled brochure, "Insight," just check the appropriate box on the form.
************************************************************************
May 5, 1994
Michael C. Behnke
MIT Director of Admissions
Office of Admissions, Room 3-108
Cambridge MA 02139-4307
Dear Michael
You've got the reputation. You've certainly got the pomposity. And now you've got a letter from John Mongan. Maybe you're surprised. Most universities would be.
But you're not most universities. And that's exactly why I urge you to carefully consider one of the most selective students in America, so selective that he will choose only *one* of the thousands of accredited universities in the country.
The level of pomposity and lack of tact reflected in your letter is a powerful indicator that your august institution might well be a possibility for John Mongan's future education. It certainly got my attention!
Don't want Bio-Chem students? No problem. It may surprise you to learn that my interests cover over 400 fields of study, from semantics to limnology, from object-oriented programming (perhaps one of the youngest professionals in the country) to classical piano.
What? Of course you don't want egotistical jerks. Who does? I *am* self indulgent *and* over confident, but I'm also amusing. John Mongan is funny and amusing - whether you're laughing with him or at him.
You're interested in athletes? Great! John Mongan has played more sports - 47 - than almost any other student, including oddball favorites such as Orienteering.
You think I can pay for your school? Don't be too sure. I've got surprises for you there, too.
Why not send a guaranteed admission and full scholarship to increase your chance of being selected by John Mongan? Why not do it right now?
Sincerely,
John Mongan
P.S. If you'd like a copy of a fun-filled, fact-filled brochure, "John Mongan What a Guy!" just ask.
Believe it or not... This is the transcript of an actual radio conversation between a US naval ship and Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in Oct. 95. Reprinted in the Memorial U. campus paper. Enjoy. Actual radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95
US ship Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.
CDN reply Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
US ship This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
CDN reply No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
US ship THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS MISSOURI, WE ARE A LARGE WARSHIP OF THE US NAVY. DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW!
CDN reply This is a lighthouse. Your call.
Police in Wichita, Kansas, arrested a 22-year-old man at an airport hotel after he tried to pass two (counterfeit)$16 bills.
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A man in Johannesburg, South Africa, shot his 49-year-old friend in the face, seriously wounding him, while the two practiced shooting beer cans off each other's head.
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A company trying to continue its five-year perfect safety record showed its workers a film aimed at encouraging the use of safety goggles on the job. According to Industrial Machinery News, the film's depiction of gory industrial accidents was so graphic that twenty-five workers suffered minor injuries in their rush to leave the screening room. Thirteen others fainted, and one man required seven stitches after he cut his head falling off a chair while watching the film.
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The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on nuclear weapons, setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating one within city limits.
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A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in St. Louis, but by the time police arrived on the scene, fourteen pedestrians had boarded the bus and had begun to complain of whiplash injuries and back pain.
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Swedish business consultant Ulf af Trolle labored 13 years on a book about Swedish economic solutions. He took the 250-page manuscript to be copied, only to have it reduced to 50,000 strips of paper in seconds when a worker confused the copier with the shredder.
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A convict broke out of jail in Washington DC, then a few days later accompanied his girlfriend to her trial for robbery. At lunch, he went out for a sandwich. She needed to see him, and thus had him paged. Police officers recognized his name and arrested him as he returned to the courthouse in a car he had stolen over the lunch hour.
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Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.
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When two service station attendants in Ionia, Michigan, refused to hand over the cash to an intoxicated robber, the man threatened to call the police. They still refused, so the robber called the police and was arrested.
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Two men are escaping from a Mental Hospital late one moonless night. They get to the roof of the hospital and all they have to do is jump a pretty good distance across to the next building and they are home free. The first man, a psychotic and afraid of nothing, is willing jump. The second man, however, is afraid of the dark, and is seriously considering returning to the hospital to deal with the issue.
The first man volunteers to jump across with the flashlight they have brought with them, and then shine the light back across to the second man. "You can walk across on the beam of light and we will be away."
"You must be crazy," replies the second man, "you'll turn the flashlight off when I'm halfway across, and I'll fall!"
A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds when he entered a patient's room. He found Patient #1 sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half. Patient #2 was hanging from the ceiling, by his feet.
The doctor asked patient number 1 what he was doing. The patient replied, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half!?" The doctor inquired of Patient #1 what Patient #2 was doing. Patient #1replied, "Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a lightbulb." The doctor looks up and notices Patient #2's face is going all red.
The doctor asks Patient #1, "If he's your friend, you should get him down from there before he hurts himself!"
Patient #1 replies, "What?! And work in the dark?!"
A conversation between a therapist and client
Therapist Do you smoke after sex?
Client I don't know, I never checked.
Neurotics build castles in the sky.
Psychotics live in them.
Psychiatrists collect the rent.
A doctor on his rounds in a mental hospital sees a couple of patients behaving rather strangely. The first man is sitting on the edge of his bed clutching an imaginary steering wheel and making loud noses not unlike a race car. VROOOOM, VRRROOOOM...SCREEECH....
"What are you doing?" inquires the doctor.
"I'm driving this Porsche to New York," replies the patient.
Somewhat taken aback, but not to be put off, the doctor moves on to the next bed where he can see some very energetic activity going on underneath the covers. On pulling them back he finds a man totally naked, face down into the mattress.
"And what are you doing?" asks the doctor, a little perplexed.
"Well," pants the man, "While he's in New York, I'm having sex with his wife."
One behaviorist to another after lovemaking
"Darling, that was wonderful for you. How was it for me?"
RING. . .
RING. . .
CLICK
Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are depressed, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.
If you are delusional and occasionally hallucinate, please be aware that the thing you are holding on the side of your head is alive and about to bite off your ear.
Two analysts pass each other in the hall. One says, "Hello." The other thinks, "I wonder what he meant by that?"
A client comes to a session with a very distressed affect. The therapist states, "You look upset."
The patient replies, "I've been having disturbing dreams. One night I dream I'm a teepee the next night I dream I am a wigwam, and this goes on, night after night."
The therapist comments "You're too tense."
I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
Joe has been seeing a psychologist, someone schooled in psychoanalysis, for four years for treatment of the fear that he had monsters under his bed. It had been years since he had gotten a good night's sleep. Furthermore, his progress was very poor, and he knew it. So, one day he stops seeing the psychoanalyst and decides to try something different.
A few weeks later, Joe's former psychologist meets his old client in the supermarket, and is surprised to find him looking well-rested, energetic, and cheerful. "Doc!" Joe says, "It's amazing! I'm cured!"
"That's great news!" the psychologist says. "you seem to be doing much better. How?"
"I wnet to see another doctor," Joe says enthusiastically, "and he cured me in just ONE session!"
"One?!" the psychoanalyst asks incredulously.
"Yeah," continues Joe, "my new doctor is a behaviorist."
"A behaviorist?" the psychoanalyst asks. "How did he cure you in one session?"
"Oh, easy," says Joe. "He told me to cut the legs off of my bed."
A man is walking along the street when he is brutally beaten and robbed. He lies unconscious, bleeding.
While he is lying there, a police officer passes by, but crosses to the other side of the road, without trying to help.
A boy scout troop does the same. As do a number of pedestrians.
Finally, a Psychologist walks by, and runs up to the man. He bends down and says, "My God! Whoever did this needs help."
A man has a flat tire while driving down a desolate road in the middle of a dark and stormy night. He gets out of the car, cursing in the rain, and-- in a flash of lightning-- realizes that he has stopped right next to a tall wire fence bearing the sign "Insane Asylum."
Though initially nervous, the man becomes really afraid when he notices that a light has come one in the windows of the dark building, and that someone is watching him. With shaking hands, he begins to jack up the car and remove the tire, all the while looking behind his shoulder nervously. Then, in a flash of lightning, he sees a lone figure in pajamas and a bathrobe making its way toward him, down the long path between the asylum and the fence. He begins to panic, and tries to change the tire as fast as he can, so that he can get away before the figure reaches him, but his hands are shaking and the hex nuts are slick with rain.
Looking back over his shoulder, he sees the figure slowly coming closer and closer. Finally, just as he removes the last nut, he looks over his shoulders and-- in a flash of lightning-- sees the horrible, distorted face of the lunatic, glaring at him from the other side of the fence, only a few feet away. Startled, the man yells, leaps back, and drops all of the metal nuts into a puddle of mud at his feet.
After a moment of tense, horrible silence, the lunatic says, "What your problem, mister?" The man, stuttering with fright manages to burble out, "Well, I... I got a flat tire and I...I lost all my hex nuts and now I can't even get the spare tire on." The lunatic answers, "Why don't you just take one hex nut from the other three tires? That'll get you to the next town at least."
Startled by the lunatic's seeming clarity, the man asks "How'd you think of that?"
To which the lunatic answers, "Hell, I may be crazy but I ain't stupid!"
LETTER TO HEAVEN
A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. Then he decided to write a letter to the Lord requesting the $100.
When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to the Lord, USA, they decided to send it to President Clinton. The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5 bill.
President Clinton thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5 and sat down to write a thank-you note to the Lord, which read
Dear Lord,
Thank you very much for sending me the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington, DC and as usual, those jerks deducted $95.
Funny Letters to Dear Abby
DEAR ABBY A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid-twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into their apartment or come out. Do you think they could be Lebanese?
CURIOUS
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DEAR ABBY Are birth control pills deductible?
KAY
DEAR KAY Only if they don't work .
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DEAR ABBY I know boys will be boys, but my 'boy' is seventy-three and he's still chasing women. Any suggestions?
ANNIE
DEAR ANNIE Don't worry My dog has been chasing cars for years, but if he ever caught one, he wouldn't know what to do with it.
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DEAR ABBY Do you think it would be all right if I gave my doctor a little gift? I tried for years to get pregnant and couldn't and he finally did it.
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DEAR ABBY Our son was married in January. Five months later his wife had a ten-pound baby girl They said the baby was premature. Tell me, can a baby this big be that early?
WONDERING
DEAR WONDERING The baby was on time, the wedding was late. Forget it
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DEAR ABBY Do you think about dying much?
CURIOUS
DEAR CURIOUS No, it's the last thing I want to do.
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DEAR ABBY Is it possible for a man to be in love with two women at the same time?
JAKE
DEAR JAKE Yes, and also hazardous.
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DEAR ABBY I have always wanted to have my family history traced, but I can't afford to spend a lot of money to do it. Any suggestions?
SAM IN CAL
DEAR SAM Yes. Run for public office.
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DEAR ABBY What inspires you most to write?
TED
DEAR TED The Bureau of Internal Revenue.
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DEAR ABBY I am forty-four years old and I would like to meet a man my age with no bad habits.
ROSE
DEAR ROSE So would I.
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DEAR ABBY What's the difference between a wife and a mistress?
BESS
DEAR BESS Night and day
Annoyed driver to policeman who has pulled her over "Why can't you people get more organised ? One day you take my license away and the very next day you ask to see it ! "
It seems that a devout, good couple was about to get married, but a tragic car accident ended their lives.
When they got to heaven, they asked St. Peter if he could arrange for them to be married, saying that it was what they had hoped for in life, and they still desired wedded union. He thought about it and agreed, but said they would have to wait. It was almost one hundred years later when St. Peter sent for them. They were married in a simple ceremony. So things went on, for thirty years or so, but they determined, in this time, that eternity was best not spent together. They went back to St. Peter, and said, "We thought we would be happy forever, but now we believe that we have irreconcilable differences. Is there any way we can get divorced?" "Are you kidding?" said St. Peter. "It took me a hundred years to get a priest up here to marry you. I'll never get a lawyer!"
At a medical convention in Switzerland a group of doctors were talking. A German doctor said that medicine in his country was so advanced that they would take a heart out of one person, put it in another and have the patient out looking for work in two weeks.
A Russian doctor said that medicine in his country was so advanced that they could take a liver from a monkey, transplant it in a human and have the patient out looking for work in one week.
A French doctor said that medicine in his country was so advanced that they could take a kidney from a cow, put it in a human, and have the patient out looking for work in three days.
An American doctor said that medicine in his country was so advanced that they could take an asshole out of Arkansas, put him in the White House, and have 50 million people out looking for work the next day.
A GUJJU SPESAL !
Q) Why did George Bush had the gujju beaten?
A) The gujju told George Bush "You are an IMPOTENT man"
Q) Why won't the gujju jeweler sell anything to the UP ka
bhayiya?
A) The bhayiya kept giving gujju a bunch of hair each time the
gujju asked for KESH.
Q) What will a Gujju tell a tomato, coming last in a tomato race? (in case of one)
A) Tomato KETCHUP.
Q) Why did the gujju go to Rome ?
A) He wanted to listen to POPE music.
Q) Why did the gujju go to London?
A) To see BIG BEHN.
Q) What did the Gujju mean when he said, "Ramesh no dikro STATES ma gayon" ?
A) Ramesh's son failed in statistics...
Q) Why was the gujju stacking up 1 cent coins on the day before exams ?
A) He wanted to get "cent-par-cent" .
Q) What did the Gujju have in the morning?
A) LIGHT SNAKES for breakfast.
Q) What did the Gujju say to the singing prostitute?
A) You are going from BED To VERSE.
Q) Did you know that Gujarati students are going to start a fraternity?
A) They named it Rho Beta Rho.
Q) Why did the gujjus take 50 paise when they went to watch "GANDHI"?
A) They read Atten( 8 annas)-bourough in the credits.
Q) Why did the gujju think Gandhi was acted by a woman in "GANDHI"?
A) They read Ben( behn) Kingsley did the acting.
"My mother-in-law is an angel" said a lady
"mine is not yet dead" came the reply.
Any woman who thinks that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach is aiming a bit too high.
define a true music lover?
a man who hears a woman singing in the bath and puts his ear to the keyhole.
define old age?
when it takes all night to do what u used to do all night.
"daddy daddy ! mummy kissed the milkman"
"why is she wasting time with the milkman. we owe the grocer more"
define the ultimate typist?
one who doesn't miss a period.
what is that six men can do that three women can't do?\
pee simultaneously in the same bucket.
what is the diff. between frustration and utter frustration?
frustration-when u realise for the first time that u can't do it the second time.
utter frustration- when u realise the second time that u can't it for the first time.
Definition of Kiss:
Professors of different subjects define the same word different ways.
Prof. of Algebra: kiss is two divided by nothing.
Prof. of Geometry: kiss is the shortest distance between two straight lines.
Prof. of Physics: kiss is the contraction of mouth due to the expansion of the heart.
Prof. of Chemistry: kiss is the reaction of the interaction between two hearts.
Prof. of Zoology: kiss is the interchange of unisexual salivary bacteria.
Prof. of Physiology: kiss is the juxtaposition of two orbicularis oris muscles in the state of contraction.
Prof. of Dentistry: kiss is infectious and antiseptic.
Prof. of Accountancy: kiss is a credit because it is profitable when returned.
Prof. of Economics: kiss is that thing for which the demand is higher than the supply..
Prof. of Statistics: kiss is an event whose probability depends on the vital statistics of 36-24-36
Prof. of Philosophy: kiss is the persecution for the child, ecstasy for the youth and homage for the old.
Prof. of English: kiss is a noun that is used as a conjunction; it is more common than proper; it is spoken in the plural and it is applicable to all
Prof. of Engineering What is a kiss?
"A kiss is that you cannot give without taking, and cannot take without giving. It is a course of procedure cunningly devised for the mutual stoppage of speech for a moment when words are superfluous. It is lip-service to love and the anatomical juxtaposition of two orbicularis oris muscles in a state of contraction. A kiss is a peculiar proposition. Of no use to one, yet absolute bliss to two. The small boy gets it for nothing, the young man has to steal it, and the old man has to buy it. It is the baby's right, the lover's privilege, and the hypocrite's mask. To a young girl, faith; married woman, hope; old maid, charity. A kiss can be a comma, quotation mark or an exclamation point. It is also a pleasant reminder that two heads are better than one."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A kiss that speaks volumes is seldom a first edition.
Kissing a pretty girl is like opening a bottle of olives. After the first one the rest come easy.
"Am I the first girl you ever kissed ?"
"Might be -- your face looks familiar."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Great news for girl watchers: Ogling women's breasts is good for a man's health and can add years to his life, medical experts have discovered.
"Just 10 minutes of staring at the charms of a well-endowed female such as Baywatch actress Pamela Lee is equivalent to
a 30-minute aerobics workout," declared gerontologist Dr. Franz Epping.
Dr. Epping and fellow researchers at three hospitals in Frankfurt, Germany, reached the startling conclusion after comparing the health of 200 male outpatients - half of whom were instructed to look at busty females daily, the other half told to refrain from doing so.
The study revealed that after five years, the chest-watchers had lower blood pressure, slower resting pulse rates and fewer instances of coronary artery disease.
"Sexual excitement gets the heart pumping and improves blood circulation," explains Dr. Epping. "There's no question: Gazing at large breasts makes men healthier. Our study indicates that engaging in this activity a few minutes daily cuts the risk of stroke and heart attack in half."
Dr. Epping suggested that men over the age of 40 spend at least 10 minutes a day looking at breasts sized "D-cup" or
greater. "We believe that by doing so consistently, the average man can extend his life four to five years."
Dr. Epping says he would advise U.S. males to watch "jiggle" shows on TV, rent low-budget women-in-prison movies and peruse men's magazines such as Playboy as often as possible.
The expert also listed several bosomy celebs whose headlights were most likely to yield a beneficial health effect. These amply endowed "angels of mercy" include Dolly Parton, Heather Locklear, Anna Nicole Smith and Demi Moore.
1. a mad man escapes from an asylum and before escaping, he rapes the lady-in-charge, takes the keys from her and bolts her inside and runs away.what'll be the headline in the next day's news paper? - "nuts, screws, bolts"
2. once, deve gowda goes to a buffalo breeding centre and inaugurates it and poses for a photograph with the buffaloes.what'll be the write-up in the news paper? - deve gowda, 3rd from left
5. whats the height of ignorance?
- thinking that the internet is just another way to drive the mosquitoes away.
Funny One-Liners
Talk about others and you're a gossip, talk about yourself and you're a bore.
"Do you feel like a cup of coffee?"
"Of course not; do I look like one?"
If your wife wants to learn how to drive, don't stand in her way.
"I thought you were on diet?"
"I am. But I've had my diet and now I'm having my dinner."
"How is your wife getting along on her reducing diet?"
"Fine. She vanished last night."
"When I was born they fired a 21-gun salute."
"Too bad they missed."
"I nearly got killed yesterday. I went to an antique shop and asked: "What's new?"
"Should women have children after 35?"
"No, 35 children are enough!"
I never agree with my boss until he says something.
My son is now at an awkward age: too old to cry and too young to swear.
The best way to keep fishes from smelling is to cut off their noses.
"Are you coming for my 18th birthday party?"
"No, I went for that five years ago."
Many a poor husband was once a rich bachelor.
No one has ever complained of a parachute not opening.
This place is so fancy, you've got to be shaved before you enter the barbershop.
Every family should have three children, if one turns out to be a genius, the other two can support him.
By the time a man can read women like a book he's too old to start a library.
He shot both his parents so he could go to the orphans picnic.
"Is your husband a bookworm?"
"No, just an ordinary one."
Every time I put my foot down my wife steps on it.
Cyber laws: What would the police say to you ... Freeze !! Drop that keyboard !!
Two aliens land in the middle of outback Australia, near a recently abandoned petrol station. The first alien goes up to the petrol pump (which he assumes to be an earthling) and says "take me to your leader".
The petrol pump doesn't say anything (naturally).
The alien gets annoyed and demands again, "take me to your leader". When the petrol pump still doesn't reply, the alien gets mad and tells the petrol pump that if he doesn't start talking, he will blast him. At this point the second alien nervously interrupts "err, Sir, I don't think you should .....".
But the first alien will not be deterred and he blasts away. There is a huge explosion, and after the smoke clears the blackened aliens discover themselves lying 50 yards away from their destroyed space ship. "You see sir", said the second alien, "I didn't think it would be wise to mess with a guy who can wrap his dick twice around his waist and stick it in his ear".
Perhaps some of you might like to know what the supervisor is really saying in all those glowing employee-work-performance evaluations.
AVERAGE: Not too bright.
EXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIED: Has committed no major blunders to date.
ACTIVE SOCIALLY: Drinks heavily.
ZEALOUS ATTITUDE: Opinionated.
CHARACTER ABOVE REPROACH: Still one step ahead of the law.
UNLIMITED POTENTIAL: Will stick with us until retirement.
QUICK THINKING: Offers plausible excuses for errors.
TAKES PRIDE IN WORK: Conceited.
TAKES ADVANTAGE OF EVERY OPPORTUNITY TO PROGRESS: Buys drinks for superiors.
INDIFFERENT TO INSTRUCTION: Knows more than superiors.
STERN DISCIPLINARIAN: A real jerk.
TACTFUL IN DEALING WITH SUPERIORS: Knows when to keep mouth shut.
APPROACHES DIFFICULT PROBLEMS WITH LOGIC: Finds someone else to do the job.
A KEEN ANALYST: Thoroughly confused.
NOT A DESK PERSON: Did not go to college.
EXPRESSES SELF WELL: Can string two sentences together.
SPENDS EXTRA HOURS ON THE JOB: Miserable home life.
CONSCIENTIOUS AND CAREFUL: Scared.
METICULOUS IN ATTENTION TO DETAIL: A nitpicker.
DEMONSTRATES QUALITIES OF LEADERSHIP: Has a loud voice.
JUDGEMENT IS USUALLY SOUND: Lucky.
MAINTAINS PROFESSIONAL ATTITUDE: A snob.
KEEN SENSE OF HUMOR: Knows lots of dirty jokes.
STRONG ADHERENCE TO PRINCIPLES: Stubborn.
GETS ALONG EXTREMELY WELL WITH SUPERIORS AND SUBORDINATES ALIKE: A coward.
SLIGHTLY BELOW AVERAGE: Stupid.
OF GREAT VALUE TO THE ORGANIZATION: Turns in work on time.
IS UNUSUALLY LOYAL: Wanted by no one else.
ALERT TO COMPANY DEVELOPMENTS: An office gossip.
REQUIRES WORK-VALUE ATTITUDINAL READJUSTMENT: Lazy and hard-headed.
HARD WORKER: Usually does it the hard way.
ENJOYS JOB: Needs more to do.
HAPPY: Paid too much.
WELL ORGANIZED: Does too much busywork.
COMPETENT: Is still able to get work done if supervisor helps.
CONSULTS WITH SUPERVISOR OFTEN: Pain in the butt.
WILL GO FAR: Relative of management.
SHOULD GO FAR: Please.
USES TIME EFFECTIVELY: Clock watcher.
VERY CREATIVE: Finds 22 reasons to do anything except original work.
USES RESOURSES WELL: Delegates everything.
THESE ARE ACTUAL STATEMENTS GLEANED FROM SEATTLE HIGH SCHOOL TEST PAPERS:
Men are mammals and women are femammals.
Involuntary muscles are not as willing as voluntary ones.
Cadavers are dead bodies that have donated themselves to science. This procedure is called gross anatomy.
Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.
When you breath, you inspire. When you do not breath, you expire.
H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water.
Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.
A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars and eight cuspidors.
Germinate: To become a naturalized German.
Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot.
Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives.
A journalist had done a story on gender roles in Kuwait several years before the Gulf War, and she noted then that women customarily walked about 10 feet behind their husbands. She returned to Kuwait recently and observed that the men now walked several yards behind their wives. She approached one of the women for an explanation.
"This is marvelous," said the journalist. "What enabled women here to achieve this reversal of roles?"
Replied the Kuwaiti woman: "Land mines"
*Bombay Blast: 103 feared killed; I mean, 100 feared, 3 killed
*Gujral is PM... No wait, Gowda is PM again..No Moopanar is PM,
No...
*Bill passed silently as MPs away for lunch
*India wins Cricket match; 120 people die of shock
*Self-immolation best bet to reduce population: Dept. of Family Planning
*Furore over Minister spending 2 crores for fixing broken leg of a Logarithmic Table
*Bihar sold to Pakistan; In an unrelated incident Literacy soars up to 86% in India
*Flood in Bihar; 2 die of thirst
*Ray of hope for India as Ravi Shastri retires
*No bombings in Kashmir today
*Laloo to be made National Animal
*Suit filed holding Rao responsible for Battle of Panipat, 1526
*MF Hussian paints Mulayam Singh Yadav nude
*Doctorate conferred on Jayalalitha for completing 2 months in Jail
*Population Statistics: 42% - Literate, 58% - Politicians
*India wins Gold in India versus Rest Of India Games
*Ramar Pillai produces Potassium Permanganate from Rice, Water, a stick and some Potassium Permanganate
*Poverty to be eradicated in India using Virtual Reality Software
*Kalyan Singh pulls Mayawati's leg in UP Assembly - Literally
*Death penalty upheld for Attempted Suicide victim
*Committee formed to study the effectiveness of Commissions
*Freedom Fighters to be lathi-charged to commemorate 50 years of Independence
*Karnataka to aim for 100% reservation by Year 2000
Church Bloopers
These are ACTUAL announcements from ACTUAL church bulletins.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
1. Don't let worry kill you -- let the church help.
2. Thursday night - Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
3. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
4. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
5. The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
6. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
7. Tuesday at 4:00 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.
8. Wednesday the ladies liturgy will meet. Mrs. Johnson will sing "Put me in my little bed" accompanied by the pastor.
9. Thursday at 5:00 PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All ladies wishing to be "Little Mothers" will meet with the Pastor in his study.
10. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
11. The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.
12. Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and do so.
13. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday.
14. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
15. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
16. The preacher will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth With Joy."
17. Today...Christian Youth Fellowship House Sexuality Course, 8 p.m. Please park in the rear parking lot for this activity.
18. During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when A. B. Doe supplied our pulpit.
19. The Rev. Adams spoke briefly, much to the delight of his audience.
20. The church is glad to have with us today as our guest minister the Rev. Shirley Green who has Mrs. Green with him. After the service we request that all remain in the sanctuary for the Hanging of the Greens.
21. The `eighth graders' will be presenting Shakespeare's "Hamlet" in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
Dear Ms. Juliet,
I am very happy to inform you that I have fallen in love with you since the 14th of October (Sunday). With reference to the meeting held between us on the 13th of Oct. at 1500 Hrs., I would like to present myself as a prospective lover. Our love affair would be on probation for a period of three months and based on your compatibility, would be made permanent. The expenses incurred for coffee and entertainment would initially be shared equally between us. Later, based on your performance I might take up a larger share of the expenses. However I am broadminded enough, to be taken care of, on your expense account.
I request you to kindly respond within 30 days of receiving this letter, failing which, this offer would be cancelled without further notice and I shall be considering someone else. I would be happy, if you could forward this letter to your sister, in case you don't approve of this offer.
Thanking you in anticipation,
Yours sincerely,
#$%#$^&*^*():;
(Mr. Romeo)
An old boozer is on his way into a bar when a nun standing outside the bar suddenly speaks to him. "Your drinking is the easy road to evil and damnation. Drink will pollute your body and soul. Give up the foul spirits and live a better life!"
The boozer looks at her and asks "How do you know that drinking is so bad for you?"
The nun looks puzzled and shrugs. The boozer says "Have you ever even tried a drink?"
The nun admits she hasn't, so the boozer tells her "Listen, I'll go into the bar and order myself a drink and I'll get one for you too. I'll bring it out here and you can taste it yourself and see that alcohol is nothing bad."
The nun reluctantly agrees, but says, "I don't want anybody out here getting the wrong idea about me, so would you mind bringing me the drink in a paper cup?"
The boozer agrees to this and goes inside. At the bar he tells the bartender "Give me a double shot of whisky, and a second half shot in a paper cup." The bartender groans and says "Is that bloody nun out there again?"
Subject: HOW TO KEEP A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY IN THE WORK PLACE
Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.)
Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Always wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is a different gender than you are.)
Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names. "That's a good point, Sparky." "No I'm sorry I'm going to have to disagree with you there, Chachi."
Send email to the rest of the company telling them what you're doing. For example "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom."
"Hi-lite" your shoes.
Tell people that you haven't lost your shoes since you did this.
While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in "Palmolive."
Put up mosquito netting around your cubicle.
Put a chair facing a printer, sit there all day and tell people you're waiting for your document.
Arrive at a meeting late, say you're sorry, but you didn't have time for lunch, and you're going to be nibbling during the meeting. During the meeting eat 5 entire raw potatoes.
Insist that your e-mail address be "zena_goddess_of_fire@companyname.com" Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them if they want fries with that.
Send email to yourself engaging yourself in an intelligent debate about the direction of one of your company's products.
Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement.
Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.
Put your garbage can on your desk. Label it "IN."
Determine how many cups of coffee is "too many."
Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.
Decorate your office with pictures of Cindy Brady and Danny Partridge. Try to pass them off as your children.
For a relaxing break, get away from it all with a mask and snorkel in the fish tank. If no one notices, take out your snorkel and see how many you can catch in your mouth.
Send e-mail messages saying free pizza, free donuts etc.... in the lunchroom, when people complain that there was none... Just lean back, pat your stomach, and say, "Oh you've got to be faster than that."
Put decaf in the coffeemaker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
"Now I know why you do not have bungee jumping in Coimbatore," said my friend, Rotarian Tom Milk from Buffalo, USA, as we were driving home from the airport. (Bungee jumping is the an American craze that involves jumping off very tall bridges or cranes, secured by an elastic rope that recoils short of the ground or water surface. That is, almost always)
"Why?" I asked.
"Just driving on your roads is far more unpredictable and thrilling," said Tom, with his eyes and fists closed.
"Nothing can stop it if you are destined to die," I said, quickly defending my country and deftly avoiding a dead dog on the road.
Tom was not convinced. I am sure that he lost a pound of fat from his waistline by the time we reached home.
For the benefit of every Tom, Dick and Harry visiting India and daring to drive on Indian roads, I am offering a few hints for survival. They are applicable to every place in India except Bihar, where life outside a vehicle is only marginally safer. Indian road rules broadly operate within the domain of karma where you do your best, and leave the results to your insurance company.. The hints are as follows:
1. Do we drive on the left or right of the road? The answer is "both".
Basically you start on the left of the road, unless it is occupied. In that case, go to the right, unless that is also occupied. Then
Proceed by occupying the next available gap, as in chess.
2. Just trust your instincts, ascertain the direction, and proceed. Adherence to road rules leads to much misery and occasional fatality.
3. Most drivers don't drive, but just aim their vehicles in the intended direction. Don't you get discouraged or underestimate yourself. Except for a belief in reincarnation, the other drivers are not in any better position.
4. Don't stop at pedestrian crossings just because some fool wants to cross the road. You may do so only if you enjoy being bumped in the back. Pedestrians have been strictly instructed to cross only when traffic is moving slowly or had come to a dead stop because some minister is in town. Still some idiot may try to wade across, but then, let us not talk ill of the dead.
5. Blowing your horn is not a sign of protest as in some countries. We horn to express joy, resentment, frustration, romance and bare lust (two brisk blasts), or, just mobilize a dozing cow in the middle of the bazaar.
6. Keep informative books in the glove compartment. You may read them during traffic jams, while awaiting the chief minister's motorcade, or waiting for the rain waters to recede when overground traffic meets underground drainage.
7. Night driving on Indian roads can be an exhilarating experience (for those with the mental makeup of Genghis Khan). In a way, it is like playing Russian roulette, because you do not know who amongst the drivers is loaded. What looks like premature dawn on the horizon turns out to be a truck attempting a speed record. On encountering it, just pull partly into the field adjoining the road until the phenomenon passes. Our roads do not have shoulders, but occasional boulders. Do not blink your lights expecting reciprocation. The only dim thing in the truck is the driver, and the peg of illicit arrack he has had at the last stop, his total cerebral functions add up to little more than a nought. Truck drivers are the James Bonds of India, and are licensed to kill. Often you may encounter a single powerful beam of light about six feet above the ground. This is not a super motor-bike, but a truck approaching you with a single light on, usually the left one. It could be the right one, but never get too close to investigate. You may prove your point posthumously. Of course, all this occurs at night, on the trunk roads.
During the daytime, trucks are more visible, except that the drivers will never show any signal. (And you must watch for the absent signals; they are a greater threat.) Only, you will often observe that the cleaner that sits next to the driver, will project his hand and wave hysterically. This is definitely not to be construed as a signal for a left turn. The waving is just an expression of physical relief on a hot day. Occasionally you might see what looks like an UFO with blinking colored lights and weird sounds emanating from within. This is an illuminated bus, full of happy pilgrims singing bhajans. This pilgrims go at breakneck speed, seeking contact with the Almighty, often meeting with success.
Unique to Indian traffic:
----------------------------------
Auto Rickshaw (Baby Taxi) - the result of a collision between a rickshaw and an automobile, this three-wheeled vehicle works on an external combustion engine that runs on a mixture of kerosene oil and creosote. This triangular vehicle carries iron rods, gas cylinders or passengers three times its weight and dimension, at an unspecified fare. After careful geometric calculations, children are folded and packed into these auto rickshaws until some children in the periphery are not in contact with the vehicle at all. Then their school bags are pushed into the microscopic gaps all round so that minor collisions with other vehicles on the road cause no permanent damage. Of course, the peripheral children are charged half the fare and also learn Newton's laws of motion en route to school. Auto-rickshaw drivers follow the road rules depicted in the film Ben Hur, and are licensed to irritate.
Mopeds - The moped looks like an oil tin on wheels and makes noise like an electric shaver. It runs 30 miles on a teaspoon of petrol and travels at break-bottom speed. As the sides of the road are too rough for a ride, the moped drivers tend to drive in the middle of the road; they would rather drive under heavier vehicles instead of around them and are often "mopped" off the tarmac.
Leaning Tower of Passes - Most bus passengers are given free passes and during rush hours, there is absolute mayhem. There are passengers hanging off other passengers, who in turn hang off the railings, and the overloaded bus leans dangerously, defying laws of gravity but obeying laws of surface tension. As drivers get paid for overload (so many Rupees per kilogram of passenger), no questions are ever asked. Steer clear of these buses by a width of three passengers.
One-Way Street - These boards are put up by traffic people to add jest in their otherwise drab lives. Don't stick to the literal meaning and proceed in one direction. In metaphysical terms, it means that you cannot proceed in two directions at once. So drive as you like, in reverse throughout, if you are the fussy type.
Lest I sound hypercritical, I must add a positive point also. Rash and fast driving in residential areas has been prevented by providing a "speed breaker"; two for each house. This mound, incidentally, covers the water and drainage pipes for that residence and is left untarred for easy identification by the corporation authorities, should they want to recover the pipe for year-end accounting.
If, after all this, you still want to drive in India, have your lessons between 8 pm and 11 am--when the police have gone home. The citizen is then free to enjoy the 'FREEDOM OF SPEED' enshrined in our constitution.
Two men were sentenced for 20 years to be in a single room with only one wish in each 10 years. The first man asked for as many books as he can put in his room, so he can read these books in next 10 years alone. The second one was a smoker as a habit. He asked for enough quantity of cigarettes for next 10 years. After giving the books and cigarettes, guardians closed and locked their doors. 10 years later it was the time to ask to the prisoners for their second wish for last 10 years. The first man asked for books again and a reading-glass. Then, they opened the door of the second prisoner and found him with all cigarettes and he was insane. They asked him for his second wish for the following 10 years.
"Lighter !!!...Lighter!!!" he said with a screaming voice.
Let me put all this in terms that everyone on this board will understand. God is a point mass, centered at the origin of our xyz space. Christ, we will assume, is at the right hand of God, or about 100 centimeters away. His mass is probably around 75 kilograms. Since God has a very large mass, (a bit less than infinity) Christ, who we will assume is in a circular orbit around God, has a very large momentum, and hence has a very small wavelength. this means that Christ's uncertainty is quite small, so we can therefore conclude that he is fairly certain in all that he does. Not let us consider a sinner. We shall place him at a large distance from God, say one inch and 45 million light-years. He, also being in a circular orbit, will be traveling significantly slower than Christ, and will therefore be more uncertain about it. One should also consider, however, that since Christ's orbit could fit in a kiddie pool, while the sinner's would encompass not only our galaxy, but a few of the nearby ones as well, that the sinner gets around more, sees more, and is generally a more knowledgable guy than the Savior. This fits in with traditional wisdom. From this situation we can draw a few conclusions. The first is that Mary, the Mother of God, being a fairly pure person is close to God. This means that she must be a fast woman. The second conclusion that can be drawn is that sinners have a lot more potential than saints, since less of their energy is stored as kinetic energy. Further insights can be gained when we look at the situation of the Heathen.
A heathen is someone who is not affected by God. This means that they are at least a infinite distance from him. Now, assuming that one of these folk starts to travel towards God, he will convert his potential energy to kinetic energy during the approach, or descent. Since he started out an infinite distance away, but with some kinetic energy of his own, he will approach God on a hyperbolic trajectory and then disappear into space again, never to be seen again. If his approach is such that it brings him inside the orbit of the Son of God, then right after his closest approach, the sinner's velocity will be greater than Jesus', which means that he will be more sure of himself in his escape than Christ is in orbit. This is an interesting notion, but some of the side ramifications are even more intriguing.
Without any orbiters, therefore, God would not be able to attract anyone -- all approaching bodies would have either parabolic or hyperbolic trajectories. However, once God has an orbiter, the two of them could collaborate to capture other bodies. This means that heathens that get too close to believers in their approaches might get trapped, and by the same token, believers who are buzzed by heathens could be ejected. And what, the reader asks at this point, does any of this have to do with sex? This is alt.sex.b.p.p, not alt.god.b.p.p. Well, the answer is this: sex, as we all know, is the union of two or more people. This, in our analogy, would be represented as a collision. Now, in Christianity, almost all of the holy figures are male. For God, a collision between any of these close in folk would be disastrous, because, even if we assume they are indestructable, such a high energy collision would:
* eject one of the men in it,
* cause one of them to fall into God,
* or, give them highly irregular elliptical orbits.
All of these would be bad for God, because in the first two cases he would lose orbiters, making His chance at capturing new ones less, and in the third case He would have a much greater chance of more collisions, as the elliptical orbiters would cross many of the unaffected circular orbits. Therefore, God probably disapproves of these collisions. Anyway, I managed to bring this rant back to the topic it was supposed to address in the first place, so I'm gonna eat lunch now. If anyone is not offended yet, I can use the anology to prove the next verse in Leveticus, that "no man shall wear clothes of two different fabrics". Later, y'all.
A collegian was deeply in love with a pretty foreign girl, whom he wanted. But he did not have the courage to talk to her in person. So he decided to go alone and with the help of a dictionary, he wrote a letter of proposal to her.
HE WROTE :
Most worthy of your estimation after a long consideration and much mediation. I have a strong indication to become your relation. As to my educational qualification, it is no exaggeration or fabrication that I have passed my matriculation examination; no doubt without any hesitation and very little preparation. What do you say to the solemnisation of our marriage celebration according to the glorification of modern civilisation and with a view to the expansion of the population of present generation.
On your approbation of the application, I shall make preparation to improve my situation, and if such obligation is worthy of consideration it will be our argumentation of the joy and exaltation of our joint dissimilation.
Thanking you in anticipation and with devotion,
To
Remain victim of your fascination.
SHE WROTE :
Dear Mr. Victim of my fascination,
Congratulation for your lengthy narration of course full of affection aimed at an affiliation for a combination which on examination I find is a fine presentation of your ambition. You have passed your matriculation with little preparation, what about my graduation after a long botheration, so improve situation in education and make an application by acquisition of post graduation and minimum qualification for the convocation and before taking your photo for circulation undergo beautification. Further strict observation of the following conditions is the regulation for the determination of our relation.
1. Consultation of my parents before approaching for my connection.
2. Communication of your confirmation that you are not a victim of any fascination and,
3. Procreation must not be your recreation.
In anticipation of a solid action instead of continuation of paper conversation.
I Remain,
Unaffected by your affection.
A man was driving along the highway and saw a large rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit.
The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road and got out to see what had become of the rabbit.
Much to his dismay, it was dead. The driver felt so awful, he began to cry. (What a wimp!)
A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying at the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked him what was wrong.
"I feel terrible," he explained. "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."
The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to her car trunk and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead creature and sprayed the contents of the can onto it.
Miraculously the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped down the road. 50 yards away the rabbit stopped, turned around and again waved at the two humans.
The man was astonished. He couldn't figure out what substance could be in the woman's spray can! He ran over to her and demanded, "What was in your spray can? What did you spray on that rabbit?"
The woman turned the can around so he could read the label. It said: "Dabur Amla Hair Spray restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave."
This guy is at the airport waiting for his flight which leaves a 6:00 but he has forgotten his watch, so he looks for someone to ask the time. He spots this guy walking past carrying 2 suitcases and sporting this fabulous hi-tech watch, so he askes him for the time. The guy replies "Sure, which country?" Our fella askes "How many countries have you got?" to which the reply is "All the countries in the world!"
"Wow! That's a pretty cool watch you've got there."
"That's nothing. This watch also has a GPS facility, fax, e-mail and can even receive NTSC television channels and display them on its miniature active color pixel LCD screen!"
"Boy, that's incredible. I wish I had a watch like that one...You wouldn't consider selling it by any chance?"
"Well, actually the novelty has worn off by now, so for $900, if you want it, it's yours!" Our watchless traveller can hardly whip out his cheque book fast enough, and hands over a cheque for $900.
The seller takes off the watch and gives it to him.
"Congratulations, here is you new high-tech watch!" and then handing the 2 suitcases over as well he says, "and here are the batteries!"
Bill and Hillary are at the first baseball game of the season. The umpire walks up to the VIP section and yells something, suddenly Clinton grabs Hillary by the collar and throws her over the side and onto the field. The stunned umpired shouted, "No, Mr. President! I said, `Throw the first PITCH!'"
One day, Clinton called the White House interior decorator into the Oval Office. He was furious and said, "Chelsea is very upset because she thinks she has the ugliest room in the entire White House; I want something done about it immediately!"
"Yes Sir, Mr. President," the interior decorator replies. "I'll take those mirrors out right away!"
Teaching Math in 1950:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of
production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?
Teaching Math in 1960:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of
production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?
Teaching Math in 1970:
A logger exchanges a set "L" of lumber for a set
"M" of money. The cardinality of set "M" is
100. Each element is worth one dollar. Make 100 dots representing
the elements of the set "M". The set "C", the
cost of production contains 20 fewer points than set
"M". Represent the set "C" as a subset of set
"M" and answer the following question: What is the
cardinality of the set "P" of profits?
Teaching Math in 1980:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of
production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment:
Underline the number 20.
Teaching Math in 1990:
By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the logger makes $20.
What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class
participation after answering the question? How did the forest
birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down the trees? There
are no wrong answers.
Teaching Math in 1996:
By laying off 402 of its loggers, a company improves its stock
price from $80 to $100. How much capital gain per share does the
CEO make by exercising his stock options at $80. Assume capital
gains are no longer taxed, because this encourages investment.
Teaching Math in 1997:
A company out sources all of its loggers. They save on benefits
and when demand for their product is down the logging work force
can easily be cut back. The average logger employed by the
company earned $50,000, had 3 weeks vacation, received a nice
retirement plan and
medical insurance. The contracted logger charges $50 an hour. Was
outsourcing a good move?
An attorney was asked to make a contribution to a worthwhile
charity. His response was, "I guess you hadn't
heard, my
mother is suffering from a terminal illness and she has medical
bills which far exceed her income. My brother is a disabled
combat veteran. He is not only blind, but is in a
wheelchair and he has to take ten different medicines a
day. My sister is an only parent of three children since
her husband died without life insurance. She has no college
and scrubs floors for a living while moonlighting by taking in
ironing. My wife is in a mental ward, and may never get
out. My only child is in a drug rehabilitation program, but
he left and no one can find him."
Before he could get his breath and continue on, the fund raiser thought it wisest to end this and let the poor man alone. "You are correct, sir. I had no idea of your problems. Of course we can't expect you to make a contribution with so many demands already on your income."
The attorney nods and replies, "Exactly-- why should I
contribute to your organization when I don't even give to my own
family?"
WIFE:
"There's trouble with the car. It has water in the
carburetor."
HUSBAND: "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous."
WIFE: "I tell you the car has water in the carburetor."
HUSBAND: "You don't even know what a carburetor is. I'll check it out. Where's the car?"
WIFE:
"In the pool."
A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out
of the car. After looking the man over he says, "Sir,
I
couldn't help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you
been drinking?"
The man gets really indignant and says, "Officer, I
couldn't help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you
been eating doughnuts?"
Three men are traveling the Amazon, a German, an American, and a
Polack, and they get captured by some Amazons.
The head of the tribe say to the German, what do you want on your back for your whipping? The german responds, "I will take oil!"
So they put oil on his back, and a large Amazon whips him 10
times. When he is finished the German has these hugh welts
on his back, and he can hardly move.
The Amazons haul the German away, and say to the Polack, what do you want on your back? "I will take nothing!" says the Polack, and the Polack stands there straight and takes his 10 lashings without a single flinch.
"What will you take on your back?" the Amazons ask
the American, who responds "I'll take the Polack!"
A flight attendant was on the red-eye to Manila when a water leak
developed in the galley, which eventually soaked the carpet
throughout the aft cabin of the 747. A very sleepy woman who had
become aware of the dampness tugged at my skirt as the attendant
passed by. Has it been raining? she asked the flight attendant.
Keeping a straight face, she replied, Yes, but we put the top up.
With a sigh of relief, the woman went back to sleep.
Kissinger goes to see a poor man and says, "I want to
arrange a marriage for your son." The poor man
replies, "I never
interfere in my son's life." Kissinger responds,
"But the girl is Lord Rothscild's daughter."
"Well, in that case..."
Next Kissinger approaches Lord Rothschild. "I
have a husband for your daughter." "But my daughter is
too young to marry." "But this young man is already a
vice president of the World Bank." "Ah, in that
case..."
Finally Kissinger goes to see the president of the World
Bank. "I have a young man to recommend you as a vice
president." "But I already have more vice presidents
than I need." "But this young man is Lord Rothschild's
son-in-law." "Ah, in that case.....".
THE BIRTHDAY PARTY
A lady is throwing a party for her granddaughter, and had gone
all out..... a caterer, band, and a hired clown. Just before the
party started, two bums showed up looking for a handout. Feeling
sorry for the bums, the woman told them that she would give them
a meal if they will help chop some wood for her out back.
Gratefully, they headed to the rear of the house.
The guests arrived, and all was going well with the children
having a wonderful time. But the clown hadn't shown up. After a
half an hour, the clown finally called to report that he was
stuck in traffic, and would probably not make the party at all.
The woman was very disappointed and unsuccessfully tried to
entertain the children herself. She happened to look out the
window and saw one of the bums doing cartwheels across the lawn.
She watched in awe as he swung from tree branches,
did midair flips, and leaped high in the air.
She spoke to the other bum and said, "What your friend is
doing is absolutely marvelous. I have never seen such a thing. Do
you think your friend would consider repeating this performance
for the children at the party? I would pay him $50!"
The other bum says, "Well, I dunno. Let me ask him.
HEY WILLIE! FOR $50, WOULD YOU CHOP OFF ANOTHER
TOE?"
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING FRENCH :
1. When speaking fast you can make yourself sound gay
2. Yet to experience the joy of winning the world cup for
the first time
3. You get to eat insect food like snails and frog's legs
4. If there's a war you can surrender really early
5. You don't have to read the subtitles on those late night
films on Channel 4.
6. You can test your own nuclear weapons in other people's
countries
7. You can be ugly and still become a famous film star
8. Allow Germans to march up and down your most famous
street humiliating your sense of national pride
9. You don't have to bother with toilets, just shit in the
street
10. People think you're a great lover even when you're not
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING AMERICAN :
1. You can have a woman president without electing her
2. You can spell colour wrong and get away with it
3. You can call Budweiser beer
4. You can be a crook and still be president
5. If you've got enough money you can get elected to do
anything
6. If you can breathe you can get a gun
7. You can invent a new public holiday every year
8. You can play golf in the most hideous clothes ever made
and nobody seems to care.
9. You get to call everyone you've never met
"buddy"
10. You can think you're the greatest nation on earth.
11. When you're not.
12. At all.
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING ENGLISH :
1. Two World Wars and One World Cup doo-dah doo-dah
2. Warm beer
3. You get to confuse everyone with the rules of cricket
4. You get to accept defeat graciously in major
sporting events
5. Union jack underpants
6. Water shortages guaranteed every single summer
7. You can live in the past and imagine you are still a
world power.
8. Bathing once a week-whether you need to or not
9. Ditto changing underwear
10. Beats being Welsh.
11. Or Scottish
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING ITALIAN :
1. In-depth knowledge of bizarre pasta shapes
2. Unembarrassed to wear fur.
3. No need to worry about tax returns
4. Glorious military history... well, till about 400 a.d.
5. Can wear sunglasses inside
6. Political stability
7. Flexible working hours
8. Live near the Pope
9. Can spend hours braiding girlfriend's armpit hair
10. Country run by Sicilian murderers
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING SPANISH :
1. Glorious history of killing South American tribes
2. The rest of Europe thinks Africa begins at the Pyrenees
3. You get your beaches invaded by Germans, Danes, Brits
etc
4. The rest of your country is already invaded by Moroccans
5. Everybody else makes crap paella and claims it's the
real thing
6. Honesty
7. Only sure way of bedding a woman is to dress up in
stupid, tight clothes and risk your life in front of bulls
8. You get to eat bulls' testicles
9. Gibraltar
10. Supported Argentina in Falklands War.
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING GERMAN :
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. In-built sense of pacifism
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING INDIAN :
1. Chicken Madras
2. Lamb Passanda
3. Onion Bhaji
4. Bombay Potatoe
5. Chicken Tikka Masala
6. Rogan Josh
7. Popadoms
8. Chisken Dopiaza
9. Meat Boona
10. Kingfisher lager
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING WELSH:
1. You've got to be having a laugh, haven't you?!?!?!?
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING IRISH :
1. Guinness
2. 18 children because you can't use contraceptives
3. You can get into a fight just by marching down someone's
road
4. Pubs never close
5. Can use Papal edicts on contraception passed in the
second Vatican Council of 1968 to persuade your girlfriend that
you can't have sex with a condom on.
6. No one can ever remember the night before
7. Kill people you don't agree with
8. Stew
9. More Guinness
10. Eating stew and drinking guinness in an Irish pub at 3 in the
morning after a bout of sectarian violence.
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING CANADIAN :
1. It beats being an American.
2. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its
capital to the ground.
3. You can play hockey 12 months a year, outdoors.
4. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its
capital to the ground.
5. Where else can you travel 1000 miles over fresh water in
a canoe?
6. A political leader can admit to smoking pot and his/her
popularity ratings will rise.
7. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its
capital to the ground.
8. Kill Grizzly bears with huge fuckoff shotguns and cover
your house in their skins
9. Own-an-eskimo scheme.
10. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its
capital to the ground
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING AUSTRALIAN:
1. Know your great-grand-dad was a murdering bastard
that no civilised nation on earth wanted.
2. Fosters Lager
3. Dispossess Aborigines who have lived in your country for
40,000 years because you think it belongs to you.
4. Annihilate England every time you play them at cricket.
5. Tact and sensitivity.
6. Bondi Beach.
7. Other beaches.
8. Liberated attitude to homosexuals
9. Drinking cold lager on the beach
10. Having a bit of a swim and then drink some cold lager on the
beach.
It was a stifling hot day and a man fainted in the middle of a
busy intersection. Traffic quickly piled up in all
directions while a woman rushed to help him. When she knelt
down to loosen his collar, a man emerged from the crowd, pushed
her aside, and said, "It's all right honey, I've had a
course in first aid."
The woman stood up and watched as he took the ill man's pulse
and prepared to administer artificial respiration. At this
point she tapped him on the shoulder and said, "When you get
to the part about calling a doctor, I'm already here."
A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who
was speeding down Main Street.
"But officer," the man began, "I can
explain."
"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm
going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets
back."
"But, officer, I just wanted to say--,"
"I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and
said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's
wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell.
"I'm the groom."
A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the
stand in a trial--a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He
approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him."
At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and
called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice,
he aid with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows
me, you'll be in jail for contempt within 5 minutes!"
One day our professor was discussing a particularly complicated
concept. A pre-med student rudely interrupted to ask "Why do
we have to learn this stuff?"
"To save lives." the professor responded quickly and continued the lecture.
A few minutes later, the same student spoke up again. "So how does physics save lives?" he persisted.
"It keeps the ignoramuses out of medical school,"
replied the professor.
A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who
immediately demanded an inspection of the place. The Farmer had
genuinely tried to be friendly to his new mother-in-law, hoping
that it could be a friendly, non-antagonistic relationship.
To no avail, she kept nagging them at every opportunity, demanding changes, offering unwanted advice and making life unbearable to the farmer and his new bride.
While they were walking through the barn, the farmer's mule
suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in
the head, killing her instantly.
At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by.
The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head yes and say something.
Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, however, he would shake his head, no and mumble a reply.
Very curious as to this bizarre behavior, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about.
The farmer replied, "The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy' and I would nod my head and say, 'Yes, it was.'
The men would ask, 'Can I borrow that mule?' and I would shake
my head and say, 'Can't. It's all booked up for a year.'
One day a man took the train from Paris to Frankfurt. When
he got in he said to the ticket man:
"Sir. I really need you to do me a favor, I have to get down this train in Mannheim, but I'm very tired and it is for sure that I will fall asleep. So what I want you to do is that you wake me up in Mannheim because I have to close a business there and it is very important for me. Here you have 100 francs for the favor. But I warn you sometimes when people wake me up I get really violent, but no matters what I do or say you got to get me out of this train in Mannheim. Is that clear?"
So the ticket man agreed and took the 100 francs. Later as the man had said he fall asleep, and when he woke up he realized that he was in Frankfurt. He was so mad at the ticket man that he ran over and started yelling at the ticket man.
"Are you STUPID or something??? I paid you 100 francs so that you wake me up in Mannheim. And you didn't I want my money back you $%^@$!"
While the man was yelling at the ticket guy, two other guys that were also in the train were looking at them, so one turns to the other and says to him:
Guy1, "Look at this guy he is pissed!"
Guy2, "Yeah, almost as mad as the guy they made get out
of the train in Mannheim."
Murphys' Laws
- A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the
pants.
- Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be
promoted.
- The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to
get.
- You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a
clipboard.
- Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing
worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
- Never ask two questions in a business letter. The reply
will discuss the one you are least interested in, and say nothing
about the other.
- When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are
never talking about themselves.
- If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then
quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
- There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car
when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.
- Mother said there would be days like this, but she never said
there would be so many.
- Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back. This is what
I'm doing wrong.
- Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."
- Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a
cocktail hour.
- To err is human, to forgive is not company policy.
- Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he
is supposed to be doing.
- Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in
the mail.
- The last person that quit or was fired will be the one held
responsible for everything that goes wrong
- until the next person quits or is fired.
- There is never enough time to do it right the first time, but
there is always enough time to do it over.
- The more pretentious a corporate name, the smaller the
organization. (For instance, The Murphy Center for Codification
of Human andOrganizational Law, contrasted to IBM, GM, AT&T
....)
- If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If
you are really good, you will get out of it.
- You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by
your desk.
- People are always available for work in the past tense.
- If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
- At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to
the number of pens that person is carrying.
- When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
- You will always get the greatest recognition for the job you
least like.
- No one gets sick on Wednesdays.
- When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more
easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone
Ranger handle this?"
- The longer the title, the less important the job.
- Machines that have broken down will work perfectly when the
repairman arrives.
- An "acceptable" level of employment means that the
government economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job.
- Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it makes it
worse.
- All vacations and holidays create problems, except for one's
own.
- Success is just a matter of luck, just ask any failure.
Two men approach each other on a pavement, each dragging his right foot as he walks. As they meet, one looks at the other knowingly, points at his foot and says, "Vietnam, 1969." The other guy says, "Dog shit, 20 feet back."
These are real answering machine messages.
-------------------------------
Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his
refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your
message to myself with one of these magnets.
-----------------------------
Hello! This is Ron's toaster. Ron's new answering
machine is in the shop for repairs, so please leave your message
when the toast is done...[Cachunk!]
-----------------------------
SUNG TO THE ACCOMPANIMENT OF A BLUES GUITAR:
You call me up,
But I'm not home,
So I can't answer
The telephone.
But don't get mad,
And just stay cool,
And leave me a message.
Wait for the beep, fool!
-------------------------------
A MAN'S VOICE, ON AN ANSWERING MACHINE WHERE TWO WOMEN (AND NO
MEN) LIVE:
Hi, you've reached Mary and Jane's apartment. The girls are
tied up downstairs right now, but they'll call you as soon as I
let them loose.
---------------------------------
AT A LAWYER'S HOUSE:
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say may
be used to get back to you. You can leave your own
message. If you do not have your own message, a message
will be appointed for you by the court.
-----------------------------------
Please leave a message. However, you have the right to
remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and used by
us.
-------------------------------------
SAID VERY QUICKLY:
Hi, this is 202-844-2525. If you want to leave a message,
please wait for the tone. If you want to leave your name
and number, please press pound, press 3, then dial your name,
then press 6 and dial your number. If you want to leave your name
and just a message, press star, press 6, ask for extension 4443,
then leave your name and message. If you want to
leave your number and the time you called, please press star
twice, spin in a circle, press 1 twice, talk loud and [BEEP].
----------------------------------------
Okay, you know the drill. Just tell me what you want.
-----------------------------------------
'Ello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my
father. Leave your name and number, and prepare to die.
-----------------------------------------
This is the Literacy Self-Test Hotline. After the tone,
leave your name and number and recite a sentence using today's
vocabulary word. Today's word is "supercilious."
------------------------------------------
I can't come to the phone now because alien beings are eating my
brain. Leave a message anyway, and, after the alien beings assume
my shape, one of them will get back to you.
-----------------------------------------
I can't come to the phone now because I have amnesia and feel
stupid talking to people I don't remember. I'd appreciate
it if you could help me out by leaving my name and telling me
something about myself. Thanks!
-------------------------------------------
Thank you for calling the CSU Automated Hearing Test Line.
Prepare for Test. Is this tone louder in your left ear or right
ear?....BEEP.
---------------------------------------------
Thank you for calling 202-844-2525.
If you wish to speak to Tim, push 1 on your touch tone
phone now. If you wish to speak to Lynn, push 2 on your touch
tone phone now. If you have a wrong number, push 3 on
your touch tone phone now. All of this button pushing doesn't do
anything, but it is a good way to work off anger, and it makes us
feel like we have a big-time phone system.
----------------------------------------------
This is a test. This is a test of the Answering Machine
Broadcast System. This is only a test.
----------------------------------------------
I can't come to the phone now so if...well, actually, I CAN come
to the phone now....I mean, like, I'm at the phone NOW, recording
this message, but I'm doing this NOW, while you're listening to
this LATER, except for you I guess
it's NOW, like when you're listening to it....I mean,
like...wait...Gosh! This is so confusing!
------------------------------------------------
The number you have reached, 202-844-2525, has been changed. The
new number is 202-844-2525. Please make a note of it.
------------------------------------------------
KLINGON VOICE:
ANSWERING MACHINE. SPEAK. You have reached the number
you have dialed. Please leave a message after the beep.
------------------------------------------------------
Now I lay me down to sleep.
Leave a message at the beep.
If die before I wake,
Remember to erase the tape.
---------------------------------------------------------
Hello, this is Sid.
I've got a puppy in one hand and a Smith & Wesson .38 in the
other. Leave a message or the puppy gets it.
----------------------------------------------------------
My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you leave
your name and number we'll get back to you as soon as we're
finished.
---------------------------------------------------------
Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the
phone right now because we're doing something we really
enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing
it left to right....really slowly. So leave a message, and when
we're done brushing our teeth we'll get back to you.
--------------------------------------------------------
Hi. This is John.
If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you
are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid
institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my
friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry; I
have plenty of money.
------------------------------------------------------
NARRATOR'S VOICE:
There Dale sits, reading a magazine. Suddenly, the
telephone rings! The bathroom explodes into a veritable maelstrom
of toilet paper, with Dale in the middle of it, his arms
windmilling at incredible speeds! Will he make it in time?
Alas, no; his valiant effort is in vain.
-------------------------------------------------------
The bell hath sounded. Thou must leave a message.
------------------------------------------------------
Hi. I'm probably home. I'm just avoiding
someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call
back, it's you.
The following are the first three winners of a Most Embarrassing Moment's Contest in New Woman Magazine.
"It was Christmas Eve, and I was on my feet all day
working behind the cosmetics counter. I decided I would
find a place to sit for a moment. I spied a tall plastic
trash can and plopped down, resting my feet on a cardboard
box. I allowed my body to ease into the can. About
that time a few customers came to the register to check out, but
I couldn't get out of the trash can. I was stuck; I
couldn't believe it. The customers came around the counter to
help me - some pulled my arms while others held the can.
Then my manager came to the counter, wanting to know what was
going on. He said he was going to call the fire department, who
blasted in with sirens and lights. My hips had created a
vacuum, so they had to cut me out of the trash can with a giant
pair of scissors." -Linda Evans; Winter Park, Florida
US, Russia and EC can't hold a combined candle to literate
India. India, as far as literacy goes, stands head and chest
above the United States, Russia and any European country you care
to name.
In fact, according to renowned educationist Dr B M Sankhdher, it
can take the whole lot all at once and still beat them hollow --
there are more literates here (58,800,000, to be precise) than in
the US, Russia and European countries combined!
And as for literate women, again, India beats the foreign
countries hands down. Though 97 per cent women could hardly read
or write at the time of Independence, the country now has more
educated women than the US
and
Russia. Better still, the combined figures of Japan, Germany,
France, England, Switzerland, Sweden, Denmark, Finland, Greece
and Italy falls short of the Indian total!
Dr Sankhdher, professor at Jawaharlal Nehru University's School
of Social Sciences, made these statements at a workshop (on
National Agenda for Education in India: Some Priorities) in New
Delhi.
Despite all its limitations, India has been producing 20
doctorates every day since Independence. And every 100 days,
without fail for the past 50 years, the country sees a new
university coming up.
The educationist said India has the largest universities in the
world. While the total number of scholars in foreign universities
do not exceed 40,000, many Indian universities have a strength of
around 300,000.
Another unique feature of the Indian educational system is that
more than 10 million students get free lunch, uniform and text
books.
"This has never happened anywhere in the history of the
human race,' the educationist claimed, "Ours is the most
elaborate, enlightening and inspiring system."
The Indian system, Dr Sankhdher continued, has inherited the
educational traditions of ancient universities of the world such
as Takshashikla, Nalanda, Vikramshila, Valabhi, Navadweepa,
Kanchi and Madura. In addition, we have also absorbed the British
ideas.
Outlining India's future priorities, Dr Sankhder said the country
should now, besides achieving 100 per cent literacy, concentrate
on improving the quality of education.
The educationist also underlined the need for high-level research
in biophysics, microbiology, computer science, biochemistry,
geophysics, missiles, satellites and philosophy.
YOU MIGHT BE A PHYSICS MAJOR...
if you have no life - and you can PROVE it mathematically.
if you enjoy pain.
if you know vector calculus but you can't remember how to do long division.
if you chuckle whenever anyone says "centrifugal force."
if you've actually used every single function on your graphing calculator.
if when you look in a mirror, you see a physics major.
if it is sunny and 70 degrees outside, and you are working on a computer.
if you frequently whistle the theme song to "MacGyver."
if you always do homework on Friday nights.
if you know how to integrate a chicken and can take the derivative of water.
if you think in "math."
if you've calculated that the World Series actually diverges.
if you hesitate to look at something because you don't want to break down its wave function.
if you have a pet named after a scientist.
if you laugh at jokes about mathematicians.
if the Humane society has you arrested because you actually performed the Schroedinger's Cat experiment.
if you can translate English into Binary.
if you can't remember what's behind the door in the science building which says "Exit."
if you have to bring a jacket with you, in the middle of summer, because there's a wind-chill factor in the lab.
If you are completely addicted to caffeine.
if you avoid doing anything because you don't want to contribute to the eventual heat-death of the universe.
if you consider ANY non-science course "easy."
if when your professor asks you where your homework is, you claim to have accidentally determined its momentum so precisely, that according to Heisenberg it could be anywhere in the universe.
if the "fun" center of your brain has deteriorated from lack of use.
if you'll assume that a "horse" is a "sphere" in order to make the math easier.
if you understood more than five of these indicators.
if you make a hard copy of this list, and post it on your door.
if you feel guilty when you are not studying or working.
if you feel sorry for people who can waste their time on social activities.
If these indicators apply to you, there is good reason to suspect that you might be classified as a physics major. I hope this clears up any confusion.
While crossing the US-Mexican border on his bicycle, the man
was stopped by a guard who pointed to two sacks the man had on
his shoulders.
"What's in the bags?"
"Sand," said the cyclist.
"Get them off - we'll take a look,"
said the guard.
The cyclist did as he was told, emptied the
bags, and proving they contained nothing but sand, reloaded the
bags, put them on his shoulders and continued across the border.
Two weeks later, the same thing happened.
Again the guard demanded to see the two bags, which again
contained nothing but sand. This went on every week for six
months, until one day the cyclist with the sand bags failed to
appear. A few days later, the guard happened to meet the cyclist
downtown. "Say friend, you sure had us crazy," said the
guard. "We knew you were smuggling something across the
border. I won't say a word - but what is it you were
smuggling?"
"Bicycles!"
This was in 1988 during Rajiv Gandhi and Zia-ul-Haq days. Once when RG went to Pakistan on a state visit , ZH showed him the state of the art telephone system of Pakistan.
RG even made a call to hell and spoke to his mother Indira Gandhi for about 10 minutes.
The bill came to just 1 paki rupee. RG was highly impressed by Paki telephone system and after coming back to India, ordered the ministry of communications to come up with equally good system in record time so that he too can show it to ZH when he makes a return visit to India after a couple of months.
Indeed when ZH came to India , RG showed him the telephone system. ZH spoke to Bhutto in hell for about 10 minutes. The bill came to 300 indian rupees. ZH made a sarcastic remark about the cost of the call to hell being so expensive .
RG was furious and wanted to know why the call to hell was so expensive.
The engineers immediately came up with the reason. A call to hell from India is a long distance call, but from Pakistan its just a local call.
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my
nose.
Wouldn't flesh and even bone be a lot easier to cut through than hull-metal?
It's a LOT easier to cut metal than flesh with a heat weapon.
In actual tests, [Yerazunis, W.S. and White, D.J., 1986] we
found that heat-based cutting systems were far less effective
on cutting moisture-rich organic substrates than they were on dry
organic substrates or metallic substrates.
In actual experimentation, our heat source (a Sears Craftsman Oxyacetylene cutting torch) burned through a flat mild-steel plate 1/4" thick in approximately three seconds.
The same torch took approximately eight seconds to burn through a Domino's pizza, if you started from the crust side, and over three times longer than that (twenty-eight seconds) to burn through the same pizza if you started from the cheese side.
Hypothesis: the high moisture content of sauce and cheese cause cause a large heat-of-vaporization shielding effect; until the sauce and cheese are boiled dry and then burned away the crust will retain full structural integrity and thus support the drying cheese and sauce, preventing breach for nearly thirty seconds.
Of course, if you cut from the crust side, the crust rapidly dried and burned away, leaving the wet-but-nonstructural cheese and sauce, which were rapidly blown out of the way by the evolving steam plume. Thus, breach occurred in roughly eight seconds. The steel armor plate, on the other hand, had no such heat shielding effect and so rapidly achieved heat of fusion and resultant hull breach.
Extrapolating- it would take a thickness of roughly fourteen pizzas to provide sufficient heat shielding for a normal orbital reentry (that is, from low earth orbit).
This would be both slightly bulkier and slightly heavier than the "standard" single-use ablative coating, but requires a far lower level of technology to achieve.
What is happening up there in heaven (???????).
Dodi and Diana wanted a wedding made in heaven.
Versace was sent up first to get the wedding gown and decorative
preparations done for the occasion.
Then D & D went on together.
Mother Teresa went next to bless the couple.
An invitation was sent to Elton John to sing at the service but
somehow it was misdirected and went to John Denver.....
Tests Show Beer Contains Female Hormones...
Yesterday scientists in the USA revealed that beer contains
small traces of female hormones.
To prove their theory they fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and
observed that 100% of them lost all sense of reasoning, started
talking nonsense, and couldn't drive.
Beer and Ice Cream Diet
As we all know, it takes 1 calorie to heat 1 gram of water 1 degree centigrade. Translated into meaningful terms, this means that if you eat a very cold dessert (generally consisting of water in large part), the natural processes which raise the consumed dessert to body temperature during the digestive cycle literally sucks the calories out of the only available source, your body fat.
For example, a dessert served and eaten at near 0 degrees C (32.2 deg. F) will in a short time be raised to the normal body temperature of 37 degrees C (98.6 deg. F). For each gram of dessert eaten, that process takes approximately 37 calories as stated above. The average dessert portion is 6 oz, or 168 grams. Therefore, by operation of thermodynamic law, 6,216 calories (1 cal./gm/deg. x 37 deg. x 168 gms) are extracted from body fat as the dessert's temperature is normalized.
Allowing for the 1,200 latent calories in the dessert, the net calorie loss is approximately 5,000 calories.
Obviously, the more cold dessert you eat,the better off you are and the faster you will lose weight, if that is your goal.
This process works equally well when drinking very cold beer in frosted glasses. Each ounce of beer contains 16 latent calories, but extracts 1,036 calories (6,216 cal. per 6 oz. portion) in the temperature normalizing process. Thus the net calorie loss per ounce of beer is 1,020 calories. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to calculate that 12,240 calories (12 oz. x 1,020 cal./oz.) are extracted from the body in the process of drinking a can of beer.
Frozen desserts, e.g., ice cream, are even more beneficial, since it takes 83 cal./gm to melt them (i.e., raise them to 0 deg. C) and an additional 37 cal./gm to further raise them to body temperature. The results here are really remarkable, and it beats running hands down.
Unfortunately, for those who eat pizza as an excuse to drink beer, pizza (loaded with latent calories and served above body temperature) induces an opposite effect. But, thankfully, as the astute reader should have already reasoned, the obvious solution is to drink a lot of beer with pizza and follow up immediately with large bowls of ice cream.
We could all be thin if we were to adhere religiously to a
pizza, beer, and ice cream diet.
Happy eating!
A typical day in the life of an American :
"He drove his German car made of Swedish steel
and interior of Argentine leather to a gasoline station,
where he filled up with Arab oil shipped in a Liberian
tanker and bought two French tires, composed of rubber from Sri
Lanka." "At home, he dropped his Moroccan
briefcase, hung up his Scottish tweed coat, removed his Italian
shoes and Egyptian cotton shirt, then donned a Hong Kong
robe and matching slippers from Taiwan." "More
comfortable now, he poured a cup of hot Brazilian coffee
into an English coffee mug, set a Mexican placemat on an
Irish linen tablecloth atop a Danish table varnished with linseed
oil from India.Then he filled his Austrian pipe with Turkish
tobacco, lit it, and picked up a Japanese ball-point pen with
which he wrote a letter to his congressman demanding to know why
the United States has an unfavorable balance of trade.
God save this Country
!!
Things You Don't Want to Hear During Surgery:
Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop.
Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
Hand me that...uh...that uh.....thingie.
Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?
Rats, there go the lights again...
Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Heck, the guy's got two of 'em.
Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
Could you stop that thing from beating? It's throwing my concentration off!
What's this doing here?
That's cool! now can you make his leg twitch?!
I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses.
Well, folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.
Sterile, shcmeril. The floor's clean, right?
Anyone see where I left that scalpel?
OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.
Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?
Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.
She's gonna blow! Everyone take cover!!!
Rats! Page 47 of the manual is missing!
FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!
A small balding man storms into a local bar and demands
"Gimme a double of the strongest whiskey you got! I'm
so mad I can't even see straight!"
The bartender, noticing that the little man is a bit the worse
for wear, pours him a double of Southern Comfort. The man
swills down the drink and says, "Gimme another one!"
The bartender pours the drink, but says "Now, before I give
you this, why don't you let off a little steam and tell me
why you're so upset?"
So the man begins his tale.
CM Ibrahim, Minister for Civil Aviation giving his well thought
out rationale for thwarting the Tata/Singapore JV airline:
"Would Singapore allow foreign airlines to operate it's
domestic airline routes?"
Yeah sure, they call them taxi's!
Pramod Mahajan of the BJP, came out with the best humor.
He narrated an incident on a visit to China, when talking to
members of the Chinese house.
A senior Chinese member asked the chief of the delegation,
Srikant Jena about Indian democracy how it works? Jena
asked Mahajan to reply.
Mahajan told him, "I am P.Mahajan, leader of the
single largest party, but in the opposition."
Next introducing a Congressi person, he said, "he is a
member of the 2nd largest party, supporting the government
but from outside".
Next pointing to the CPM candidate of the delegation he
said, "He is the member of the third largest party inside
the front but outside the government."
Next a SP, he said that he was supporting the government,
inside the Front, and in the government.
Lastly pointing to JD member of the delegation he said that
"he is the member of the smallest party in the parliament,
and "He is the Government!".
1. Insist that you are a vegetarian and protest anytime
your roommate eats meat. Then leave "Slim Jim" wrappers
on the floor and lie on the bed holding your stomach everytime
your roommate walks in. If he/she asks about the wrappers, say
you know nothing about them.
2. Get some hair. Disperse it around your roommate's head
while he/she is asleep. Keep a pair of scissors by your bed.
Snicker at your roommate every morning.
3. Every time your roommate walks in yell, "Hooray!
You're back!" as loud as you can and dance around the room
for five minutes. Afterwards, keep looking at your watch and
saying, "Shouldn't you be going somewhere?"
4. Trash the room when your roommate's not around. Then
leave and wait for your roommate to come back. When he/she does,
walk in and act surprised. Say, "Uh-oh, it looks like, THEY,
were here again."
5. Every time you see your roommate yell, "You
jerk" and kick him/her in the stomach. Then buy him/her some
ice cream.
6. Set your roommate's bed on fire. Apologize and explain
that you've been watching too much "Beavis &
Butthead." Do it again. Tell him/her that you're not sorry
because this time, they deserved it.
7. Put your glasses on before you go to bed. Take them off
as soon as you wake up. If your roommate asks, explain that they
are Magic Dream Glasses. Complain that you've been having
terrible nightmares.
8. Eat lots of "Lucky Charms." Pick out all the
yellow moons and stockpile them in the closet. If your roommate
inquires, explain that visitors are coming, but you can't say
anything more, or you'll have to face the consequences.
9. Set up meetings with your roommate's faculty advisor.
Inquire about his/her academic potential. Take lots of notes, and
then give your roommate a full report. Insist that he/she do the
same.
10. "Drink" a raw egg for breakfast every
morning. Explain that you are in training. Eat a dozen donuts
every night.
11. Every Thursday, pack up everything you own and tell
your roommate you're going home. Come back in an hour and explain
that no one was home. Unpack everything and go to sleep.
12. Every time you wake up, start yelling, "Help!
Where am I?!" and run around the room for a few minutes.
Then go back to bed. If your roommate asks, say you don't know
what he/she is talking about.
13. Draw a tiny, black spot on your arm. Make it bigger every
day. Look at it and say, "It's spreading, it's
spreading."
14. Buy a McDonald's "Happy Meal" for lunch every
day. Eat the straw and the napkin. Throw everything else away.
15. Buy a plant. Sleep with it at night. Talk to it. After
a few weeks, start to argue with it loudly. Then yell, "I
can't live in the same room with you," storm out of the room
and slam the door. Get rid of the plant, but keep the pot. Refuse
to discuss the plant ever again.
16. Buy a Jack-In-The-Box. Every day, turn the handle until
the clown pops out. Scream continuously for twenty minutes.
17. Hang up pictures of chickens all over the room. If your
roommate eats eggs, yell at him/her and call him/her a cannibal.
18. Buy some knives. Sharpen them every night. While you're
doing so, look at your roommate and mutter, "Soon,
soon...."
19. Lock the door while your roommate is out. When he/she
comes back and tries to unlock it, yell, "Don't come in, I'm
naked!" Keep this up for several hours. When you finally let
your roommate in, immediately take off all of your clothes, and
ignore your roommate.
20. Bring in potential "new" roommates from
around campus. Give them tours of the room and the building. Have
them ask about your roommate in front of him/her, and reply,
"Oh, him/her? He/she won't be here much longer."
21. If your roommate comes home after midnight, hit him/her
on the head with a rolling pin. Immediately go to bed, muttering,
"Ungrateful little..."
22. Pile dirty dishes in your roommate's bed. Insist that
you don't know how they got there.
23. Collect hundreds of pens and pile them on one side of
the room. Keep one pencil on the other side of the room. Laugh at
the pencil.
24. Feign a serious illness for two weeks. Have a priest
come to your room and visit you. Write out a will, leaving
everything to your roommate. One day, miraculously
"recover." Insist that your roommate write out a will,
leaving everything to you. Every time he/she coughs, excitedly
say, "Oooh, are you dying?"
25. Live in the hallway for a month. Afterwards, bring all
of your stuff back into the room and tell your roommate,
"Okay, your turn."
26. Keep a tarantula in a jar for three days. Then get rid
of the tarantula. If your roommate asks, say, "Oh, he's
around here somewhere."
27. Tell your roommate, "I've got an important message
for you." Then pretend to faint. When you recover, say you
can't remember what the message was. Later on, say, "Oh,
yeah, I remember!" Pretend to faint again. Keep this up for
several weeks.
28. Bowl inside the room. Set up tournaments with other
people in the building. Award someone a trophy. If your roommate
wants to bowl too, explain that he/she needs bowling shoes.
29. Walk backwards all the time. Then pretend to trip and
hurt yourself. Fake an injury and go through a long, painful
recovery. Start walking backwards again.
30. While your roommate is out, glue your shoes to the
ceiling. When your roommate walks in, sit on the floor, hold your
head, and moan.
31. Explain to your roommate that you're going to be
housing a prospective student in the near future. One day, bring
in a pig. If your roommate protests, hug the pig and tell your
roommate that he/she hurt its feelings. Watch T.V with the pig,
eating lots of bacon.
32. Make a sandwich. Don't eat it, leave it on the floor.
Ignore the sandwich. Wait until your roommate gets rid of it, and
then say, "Hey, where is my sandwich!?" Complain loudly
that you are hungry.
33. Punch a hole in the T.V. Sit and watch it anyway,
complaining about the poor picture quality.
34. Wear a cape. Stand in front of an open window for about
an hour every day. Then, one day, when your roommate is gone, go
outside and lie down underneath the window, pretending to be
hurt, and wait for your roommate to return. The next day, start
standing in front of the window again.
35. Collect potatoes. Paint faces on them and give them
names. Name one after your roommate. Separate your roommate's
potato from the others. Wait a few days, and then bake your
roommate's potato and eat it. Explain to your roommate, "He
just didn't belong."
36. Fill an empty shaving cream can with whipped cream. Use
it to shave, and then spray some into your mouth. Later on,
complain that you feel sick. Continue this process for several
weeks.
37. Cover your bed with a tent. Live inside it for a week.
If your roommate asks, explain that "It's a jungle out
there." Get your roommate to bring you food and water.
38. Keep a vacuum cleaner in the middle of the room. Look
at it with fear for a few days. Then stay out of the room
entirely, opening the door only a crack and whispering to your
roommate, "Psst! Is it gone?"
39. Break the window with a rock. If your roommate
protests, explain that you were hot. Open and close the broken
window as you normally would.
40. Throw darts at a bare wall. All of a sudden, act
excited, telling your roommate that you hit the bull's eye.
41. Send flowers to your roommate, with a card that says,
"I'm sorry. It won't happen again." When you see them,
start ripping up the flowers. Repeat the process for a few weeks.
42. Call your roommate "Clyde" by accident. Start
doing so every so often. Increase the frequency over the next few
weeks, until you are calling him "Clyde" all the time.
If your roommate protests, say, "I'm sorry. I won't do that
anymore, Murray."
43. Hire a night watchman to guard the room while you are
sleeping.
44. Move everything to one side of the room. Ask your
roommate if he knows how much an elephant weighs, and look at the
floor on the empty side of the room with concern.
45. Practice needlepoint every night. At one point, grab
your thumb and scream, "Owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!" Cry
hysterically for a few minutes, and then go to bed. Sob and sniff
all night.
46. When your roommate comes in, pretend that you are on
the phone, screaming angrily and shouting obscenities. After you
hang up, say, "That was your mom. She said she'd call
back."
47. Every time your roommate comes in, immediately turn off
the lights and go to bed. When he/she leaves, get up and loudly
yell, "Okay, guys, you can come out now."
48. Start wearing a crown, all the time. If your roommate
tells you to take it off, say, "Who do you think you are? A
king?"
49. Sit in front of a chess board for hours, saying
nothing, doing nothing. Then, look up and say, "I
think this game goes a lot faster with two players."
50. Talk back to your "Rice Krispies." All of a
sudden, act offended, throw the bowl on the floor and kick it.
Refuse to clean it up, explaining, "No, I want to watch them
suffer."
51. Change the locks on the door. Don't let your roommate
in unless he/she says the secret word. Change the secret word
often. If your roommate can 't guess the secret word, make
him/her pay a tithe.
52. Scatter stuffed animals around the room. Put party hats
on them. Play loud music. When your roommate walks in, turn off
the music, take off the party hats, put away the stuffed animals,
and say, "Well, it was fun while it lasted."
53. Hang a tire swing from the ceiling. Act like a monkey.
If someone besides your roommate comes in, cease acting like a
monkey and claim that the tire swing was your roommate's idea.
When you and your roommate are alone again, continue acting like
a monkey.
54. Unplug everything in the room except for one toaster.
Pray to the toaster. Bring it gifts. Throw some of your
roommate's possessions out the window. Say that the toaster made
you do it.
55. Challenge your roommate to a duel. If he refuses, claim that
you have won by forfeit and therefore conquered his side of the
room. Insist that he remove all of his possessions immediately.
56. Sign your roommate up for various activities. (Campus
tour guide, blood donor, organ donor).
57. Start dressing like an Indian. If your roommate
inquires, claim that you are getting in touch with your
Native-American roots. If your roommate accuses you of not having
any Native-American roots, claim that he/she has offended your
people and put a curse on your roommate.
58. Wear your shoes on the wrong feet, all the time.
Constantly complain that your feet hurt.
59. Hit your roommate on the head with a brick. Claim that
you were trying to kill a mosquito.
60. Steal something valuable of your roommate's. If he/she
asks about it, tell him/her that you traded it for some magic
beans. Give some beans to your roommate.
61. Instead of turning off the light switch, smash the
light bulb with a hammer. Put a new bulb in the next day.
Complain often about the cost of light bulbs.
62. Videotape yourself hammering a nail into a wall for a
while, and then stopping. Play the tape in your room. Right
before the hammering stops on the videotape, look at the screen
and say, "Don't do that."
63. Buy a lamp. Tell your roommate it's a magic lamp, with
a genie inside it. Spend a week thinking about what to wish for.
At the end of the week, report that someone has released the
genie from the lamp. Blame your roommate.
64. Whenever your roommate brushes his/her teeth, watch
him/her do so. Take notes. Write a paper on it, and circulate it
around campus. If your roommate protests, say, "The people
have a right to know!"
65. Collect potato chips that you think look like famous people.
Find one that looks like your roommate. Burn it, and explain,
"It had to be done."
66. Read the phone book out loud and excitedly.
("Frank Johnson! Oh, wow! 837-9494! Holy cow!")
67. Shadow box several times a day. One day, walk in
looking depressed. If your roommate asks what's wrong, explain
that your shadow can't box with you anymore due to an
injury. Ask your roommate if you can box with his/her shadow.
68. When you walk into the room, look at your roommate in
disgust and yell, "Oh, you're here!" Walk away yelling
and cursing. 69. Put up flyers around the building, reporting
that your roommate is missing. Offer a reward for his/her safe
return.
70. Buy a watermelon. Draw a face on it and give it a name.
Ask your roommate if the watermelon can sleep in his/her bed. If
your roommate says no, drop the watermelon out the window. Make
it look like a suicide. Say nasty things about your roommate at
the funeral.
71. Draw a chalk outline on the floor. When your roommate
comes in, say, "Don't worry. It's not what you think."
If he/she asks about it again, immediately change the subject.
72. Drink a cup of coffee every morning. When you finish
it, gnaw on the mug for about ten minutes. Then, look at your
roommate, immediately put the mug away, and quickly leave the
room.
73. Paint a tunnel on the wall like they do in cartoons.
Every day, hit your head as you attempt to crawl through it. Hold
your head and grumble, "I'll get that pesky road
runner...."
74. Leave memos on your roommate's bed that say things
like, "I know what you did," and "Don't think you
can fool me." Sign them in blood.
75. Hold a raffle, offering your roommate as first prize. If
he/she protests, tell him/her that it's all for charity.
76. Make cue cards for your roommate. Get them out whenever
you'd like to have a conversation.
77. Talk like a pirate, all the time. Threaten to make your
roommate walk the plank if he/she doesn't swab the deck.
Arrrrrrrrrrrgh!
78. Set up about twenty plants in an organized formation.
When your roommate walks in, pretend to be in the middle of
delivering a speech to the plants. Whisper to them, "We'll
continue this later," while eyeing your roommate
suspiciously.
79. Buy a telescope. Sit on your bed and look across the
room at your roommate through the telescope. When you're not
using the telescope, act like your roommate is too far away for
you to see.
80. Keep some worms in a shoebox. When doing homework, go and
consult with the worms every so often. Then become angry,
shouting at the worms that they're stupid and they don't know
what they're talking about.
81. Watch "Psycho" every day for a month. Then
act excited every time your roommate goes to take a shower.
82. Wear a paper hat. Every time your roommate walks in,
say, "Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your... Oh, it's just
you." Take off the hat, sit, and pout.
83. Go through your roommate's textbooks with a red pen,
changing things and making random corrections. If your roommate
protests, tell him/her that you just couldn't take it anymore.
84. Leave the room at random, knock on the door, and wait
for your roommate to let you back in. If he/she asks about it, go
on a tangent about the importance of good manners.
85. Hang a horseshoe above the door. Make up stories about
having had good luck. Then, take the horseshoe down and wrap your
head in bandages. When you see your roommate, look above the door
where the horseshoe used to be, hold your head, and mutter,
"Stupid horseshoe...."
86. Carve a jack-o-lantern. Complain to your roommate that
the jack-o-lantern has been staring at you. The next day, tell
your roommate that the jack-o-lantern thinks he/she has been
staring at it. Confide in your roommate that you really don't
like the jack-o-lantern, but you can't convince it to move out.
87. As soon as your roommate turns the light off at night,
begin singing famous operas as loud as you can. When your
roommate turns on the light, look around and pretend to be
confused.
88. Hang a basketball net on the wall. Challenge your
refrigerator to basketball games, and play them in front of your
roommate. Do so for about a month. Confide in your roommate that
you think the refrigerator has been taking steroids.
89. Drink lots of lemonade. Talk obnoxiously for hours
about how much you love lemonade. Then, one day, paint your face
yellow. From then on, complain about how much you hate lemonade.
90. Late at night, start conversations that begin with,
"Remember the good old days, when we used to..." and
make up stories involving you and your roommate.
91. Whenever your roommate sneezes, go and hide in the
closet for about and hour. Look around nervously for the rest of
the day.
92. Sit and stare at your roommate for hours. Bring others
in to join you. Eat peanuts, throwing a few at your roommate.
Then say, "Boy, these zoos just aren't what they used to
be."
93. Tell your roommate that your toe hurts, and that means
there's going to be an earthquake, soon. While your roommate is
out, trash everything on his/her side of the room. When he/she
returns, explain that the earthquake hit, but only on one
side of the room.
94. Buy a gun. Clean it every day. One day, put a band-aid on
your forehead, and refuse to discuss the gun ever again.
95. Buy a lobster. Pretend to play cards with it. Complain
to your roommate that the lobster is making up his own rules.
96. Make pancakes every morning, but don't eat them. Draw
faces on them, and toss them in the closet. Watch them for
several hours each day. Complain to your roommate that your
"pancake farm" isn't evolving into a self-sufficient
community. Confide in your roommate that you think the king
of the pancakes has been taking bribes.
97. While you are ironing, pretend to burn yourself. Start
a garbage can fire in the middle of the room. Toss the iron
inside. If your roommate objects, explain that you are just
trying to get even.
98. Buy some turtles. Paint numbers on their backs. Race
them down the hall.
99. Create an army of animal crackers. Put them through
basic training. Set up little checkpoints around the room. Tell
your roommate that the camel spotted him/her in a restricted area
and said not to do it again. Ask your roommate to apologize to
the camel.
100. Put out a plate of cookies at night. Tell your roommate that
they're for the Sandman. Take a bite out of one of the cookies
while your roommate is asleep. The next morning, accuse your
roommate of having bitten one of the cookies. If he/she tries to
tell you the Sandman did it, insist that you know what the
Sandman's teeth marks look like and that those are, in fact, not
the Sandman's teeth marks. Grumble angrily and storm out of
the room.
A Contribution to the Mathematical Theory of Big Game Hunting
Problem: To Catch a Lion in the Sahara Desert.
1. Mathematical Methods
1.1 The Hilbert (axiomatic) method
We place a locked cage onto a given point in the desert.
After that we introduce the following logical system:
Axiom 1: The set of lions in the Sahara is not
empty.
Axiom 2: If there exists a lion in the Sahara, then
there exists a lion in the cage.
Procedure: If P is a theorem, and if the following
is holds: "P implies Q", then Q is a theorem.
Theorem 1: There exists a lion in the cage.
1.2 The geometrical inversion method
We place a spherical cage in the desert, enter it and lock it from inside. We then perform an inversion with respect to the cage. Then the lion is inside the cage, and we are outside.
1.3 The projective geometry method
Without loss of generality, we can view the desert as a plane surface. We project the surface onto a line and afterwards the line onto an interior point of the cage. Thereby the lion is mapped onto that same point.
1.4 The Bolzano-Weierstrass method
Divide the desert by a line running from north to south. The lion is then either in the eastern or in the western part. Let's assume it is in the eastern part. Divide this part by a line running from east to west. The lion is either in the northern or in the southern part. Let's assume it is in the northern part. We can continue this process arbitrarily and thereby constructing with each step an increasingly narrow fence around the selected area. The diameter of the chosen partitions converges to zero so that the lion is caged into a fence of arbitrarily small diameter.
1.5 The set theoretical method
We observe that the desert is a separable space. It therefore contains an innumerable dense set of points which constitutes a sequence with the lion as its limit. We silently approach the lion in this sequence, carrying the proper equipment with us.
1.6 The Peano method
In the usual way construct a curve containing every point in the desert. It has been proven [1] that such a curve can be traversed in arbitrarily short time. Now we traverse the curve, carrying a spear, in a time less than what it takes the lion to move a distance equal to its own length.
1.7 A topological method
We observe that the lion possesses the topological gender of a torus. We embed the desert in a four dimensional space. Then it is possible to apply a deformation [2] of such a kind that the lion when returning to the three dimensional space is all tied up in itself. It is then completely helpless.
1.8 The Cauchy method
We examine a lion-valued function f(z). Be \zeta the cage. Consider the integral
1 [ f(z)
------- I --------- dz
2 \pi i ] z - \zeta
C
where C represents the boundary of the desert. Its value is f(zeta), i.e. there is a lion in the cage [3].
1.9 The Wiener-Tauber method
We obtain a tame lion, L_0, from the class
L(-\infinity,\infinity), whose fourier transform vanishes
nowhere. We put this lion somewhere in the desert.
L_0 then converges toward our cage. According to the
general Wiener-Tauner theorem [4] every other lion L will
converge toward the same cage. (Alternatively we can
approximate L arbitrarily
close by translating L_0 through the desert [5].)
2 Theoretical Physics Methods
2.1 The Dirac method
We assert that wild lions can ipso facto not be observed in the Sahara desert. Therefore, if there are any lions at all in the desert, they are tame. We leave catching a tame lion as an execise to the reader.
2.2 The Schroedinger method
At every instant there is a non-zero probability of the lion being in the cage. Sit and wait.
2.3 The nuclear physics method
Insert a tame lion into the cage and apply a Majorana exchange operator [6] on it and a wild lion.
As a variant let us assume that we would like to catch (for argument's sake) a male lion. We insert a tame female lion into the cage and apply the Heisenberg exchange operator [7], exchanging spins.
2.4 A relativistic method
All over the desert we distribute lion bait containing large amounts of the companion star of Sirius. After enough of the bait has been eaten we send a beam of light through the desert. This will curl around the lion so it gets all confused and can be approached without danger.
3 Experimental Physics Methods
3.1 The thermodynamics method
We construct a semi-permeable membrane which lets everything but lions pass through. This we drag across the desert.
3.2 The atomic fission method
We irradiate the desert with slow neutrons. The lion becomes radioactive and starts to disintegrate. Once the disintegration process is progressed far enough the lion will be unable to resist.
3.3 The magneto-optical method
We plant a large, lense shaped field with cat mint (nepeta
cataria) such that its axis is parallel to the direction of the
horizontal component of the earth's magnetic field. We put the
cage in one of the field's foci. Throughout the desert we
distribute large amounts of magnetized spinach (spinacia
oleracea) which has, as everybody knows, a high iron
content. The spinach is eaten by vegetarian desert
inhabitants which in turn are eaten by the lions.
Afterwards the lions are oriented parallel to the earth's
magnetic field and the resulting lion beam is focussed on the
cage by the cat mint lense.
4 Contributions from Computer Science.
4.1 The search method
We assume that the lion is most likely to be found in the direction to the north of the point where we are standing. Therefore the REAL problem we have is that of speed, since we are only using a PC to solve the problem.
4.2 The parallel search method.
By using parallelism we will be able to search in the direction to the north much faster than earlier.
4.3 The Monte-Carlo method.
We pick a random number indexing the space we search. By excluding neighboring points in the search, we can drastically reduce the number of points we need to consider. The lion will according to probability appear sooner or later.
4.4 The practical approach.
We see a rabbit very close to us. Since it is already dead, it is particularly easy to catch. We therefore catch it and call it a lion.
4.5 The common language approach.
If only everyone used ADA/Common Lisp/Prolog, this problem would be trivial to solve.
4.6 The standard approach.
We know what a Lion is from ISO 4711/X.123. Since CCITT have specified a Lion to be a particular option of a cat we will have to wait for a harmonized standard to appear. $20,000,000 have been funded for initial investigations into this standard development.
4.7 Linear search.
Stand in the top left hand corner of the Sahara Desert. Take one step east. Repeat until you have found the lion, or you reach the right hand edge. If you reach the right hand edge, take one step southwards, and proceed towards the left hand edge. When you finally reach the lion, put it the cage. If the lion should happen to eat you before you manage to get it in the cage, press the reset button, and try again.
4.8 The Dijkstra approach:
The way the problem reached me was: catch a wild lion in the Sahara Desert. Another way of stating the problem is:
Axiom 1: Sahara
elem deserts
Axiom 2: Lion elem
Sahara
Axiom 3: NOT(Lion elem
cage)
We observe the following invariant:
P1: C(L) v not(C(L))
where C(L) means: the value of "L" is in the cage.
Establishing C initially is trivially accomplished with the statement
;cage := {}
Note 0:
This is easily implemented by opening the door to the cage and
shaking out any lions that happen to be there initially.
(End of note 0.)
The obvious program structure is then:
;cage:={}
;do NOT (C(L)) -
;"approach lion under invariance of P1"
;if P(L) -
;"insert lion in cage"
[] not P(L) -
;skip
;fi
;od
where P(L) means: the value of L is within arm's reach.
Note 1:
Axiom 2 esnures that the loop terminates.
(End of note 1.)
Exercise 0:
Refine the step "Approach lion under invariance of P1".
(End of exercise 0.)
Note 2:
The program is robust in the sense that it will lead to abortion
if the value of L is "lioness".
(End of note 2.)
Remark 0: This may be a new sense of the word
"robust" for you.
(End of remark 0.)
Note 3:
From observation we can see that the above program leads to
the desired goal. It goes without saying that we therefore do not
have to run it.
(End of note 3.)
(End of approach.)
Why Lawyers Will Never Rule the World
Recently reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers
Journal, the following are 22 questions actually asked of
witnesses by attorneys during trials and, in certain cases, the
responses given by insightful witnesses:
1. "Now doctor, isn't it true
that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it
until the next morning?"
2. "The youngest son, the
twenty-year old, how old is he?"
3. "Were you present when
your picture was taken?"
4. "Were you alone or by
yourself?"
5. "Was it you or your
younger brother who was killed in the war?"
6. "Did he kill you?"
7. "How far apart were the
vehicles at the time of the collision?"
8. "You were there until the
time you left, is that true?"
9. "How many times have you
committed suicide?"
10. Q: "So the date of
conception (of the baby) was August 8th?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And what were you doing at that time?"
11. Q: "She had three
children, right?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "How many were boys?"
A: "None."
Q: "Were there any girls?"
12. Q: "You say the stairs
went down to the basement?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"
13. Q: "Mr. Slatery, you went
on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?"
A: "I went to Europe, Sir."
Q: "And you took your new wife?"
14. Q: "How was your first
marriage terminated?"
A: "By death."
Q: "And by who's death was it terminated?"
15. Q: "Can you describe the
individual?"
A: "He was about medium height and had a beard."
Q: "Was this a male, or a female?"
16. Q: "Is your appearance
here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to
your attorney?"
A: "No, this is how I dress when I go to work."
17. Q: "Doctor, how many
autopsies have you performed on dead people?"
A: "All my autopsies are performed on dead people."
18. Q: "All your responses
must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?"
A: "Oral."
19. Q: "Do you recall the
time that you examined the body?"
A: "The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.."
Q: "And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?"
A: "No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was
doing an autopsy."
20. Q: "You were not shot in
the fracas?"
A: "No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the
navel."
21. Q: "Are you qualified to
give a urine sample?"
A: "I have been since early childhood."
22. Q: "Doctor, before you
performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
A: "No."
Q: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
A: "No."
Q: "Did you check for breathing?"
A: "No."
Q: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when
you began the autopsy?"
A: "No."
Q: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
A: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
Q: "But could the patient have still been alive
nevertheless?"
A: "It is possible that he could have been alive and
practising law somewhere."
The following is a partial list of actual written excuses given to teachers in the Alburquerque public school system by parents of students:
1. Dear School: Please excuse John from being
absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.
2. Please excuse Dianne from being absent yesterday.
She was in bed with gramps.
3. Please excuse Johnnie for being. It was his
father's fault.
4. Chris will not be in school because he has an
acre in his side.
5. John has been absent because he had two teeth
taken off his face.
6. Excuse Gloria. She has been under the doctor.
7. Lillie was absent from school yesterday because
she had a going over.
8. My son is under the doctor's care and should not
take fizical ed. Please execute him.
9. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was
playing football. He was hit in the growing part.
10. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was
tired. She spent this weekend with the Marines.
11. Please excuse Joyce from P.E. for a few days.
Yesterday she fell off a tree and misplaced her hip.
12. Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very
loose vowels.
13. Maryann was absent Dec. 11-16, because she had a
fever, sore throat, headache, and upset stomach. Her sister was
also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low-grade
fever. There must be the flu going around, her father even got
hot last night.
14. Please excuse Blanche from jim today. She is
administrating.
15. George was absent yesterday because he had a stomach.
16. Ralph was absent yesterday because he had a sore
trout.
17. Please excuse Sara for being absent. She was sick and
I had her shot.
18. Please excuse Lupe. She is having problems with her
ovals.
19. Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He
had diah(*crossed out*), diahoah(*crossed out*), dyah(*crossed
out*) the shits.
A Briton, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.
"Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British."
"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French."
"No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out,
"they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this
is paradise.
They are Russian."
QUOTES TO USE TO LIGHTEN UP HEAVY DISCUSSIONS:
ON METAPHYSICS
Deja
Fu: The feeling that somehow, somewhere, you've been kicked in
the head like this before.
ON HIGHER EDUCATION
College is a fountain of knowledge... and the students are there
to drink.
ON MATHEMATICAL TRANSFORMS
A
polar bear is a rectangular bear after a coordinate transform.
ON YOUTH
Some
people say that I must be a horrible person, but that's not true.
I have the heart of a young boy -- in a jar on my desk.
-- Steven King, 3/8/90
ON PROBLEM SOLVING
When
the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to
resemble a nail.
-- Abraham Maslow
ON MATERIALISM
He
who dies with the most toys, is, nonetheless, still dead.
ON RELIGIOUS PRACTICES
Photons have mass? I didn't know they were Catholic!
ON INFINITY
If
you had everything, where would you keep it?
ON ECONOMICS
The
cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
ON PUBLISHING OR PERISHING
I am
returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone
has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top.
-- English Professor, Ohio University
ON REVISIONIST HISTORY
What
was sliced bread the greatest thing since?
ON DATING
When
aiming for the common denominator, be prepared for the occasional
division by zero.
ON POETIC LOVE
When
you're swimmin' in the creek
And
an eel bites your cheek
That's a moray!
-- Fabulous Furry Freak Brothers
ON MODERNISM
Q:
How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:
Two. One to hold the giraffe and the other to fill the
bathtub with brightly colored machine tools.
ON MATERIAL SCIENCE
Character density: The number of very weird people in the
office.
ON EXTINCTION
Save
the whales. Collect the whole set.
ON LITERATURE
This
is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be
thrown with great force.
-- Dorothy Parker
ON HUMILITY
To
err is human, to moo bovine.
ON EXPLANATION OF THE END
...
one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that,
lacking zero, they had no way to indicate
successful termination of their C programs.
-- Robert Firth
ON PROPHECY
The
meek shall inherit the earth -- they are too weak to refuse.
ON EXCUSES
I
can't complain, but sometimes I still do. -- Joe Walsh
ON NUMBERS
Grabel's Law: 2 is not equal to 3 -- not even for very large
values of 2.
ON WORLD POLITICS
Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you
can find a rock.
AND FINALLY, ON DRUGS AND DEVELOPMENT
There are two major products to come out of Berkeley: LSD and
UNIX. We don't believe this to be a coincidence.
A priest went into a Washington, D.C., barbershop, got his hair cut and asked how much he owed. "No charge, Father," the barber said. "I consider it a service to the Lord." when the barber arrived at his shop the next morning, he found a dozen small prayer booklets on the stoop along with a thank you note from the priest.
A few days later a police officer came in. "How much do I owe you?" the cop asked after his haircut. "No charge, officer," the barber answered. "I consider it a service to my community." The next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts on the stoop along with a thank you note from the police officer.
A few days after that, a Senator walked in for a haircut. "How much do I owe you?" he asked afterward. "No charge," the barber replied. "I consider it a service to my country." The next morning when he arrived at the shop, the barber found a dozen Senators waiting on the stoop.
This young couple got married & went on a cruise for their
honeymoon. When they got back from the honeymoon, she immediately
called her mother,who lived a couple of hours away.
"Well, darling," said her mom, "how was the
honeymoon?"
"Oh, mother," she replied...."the honeymoon
was wonderful! So romantic....we had a terrific time!
But, mother, as soon as we returned, Sam began using really
horrible language....stuff I'd never heard before....really
terrible 4-letter words....you've got to come get me and take me
home....PLEASE MOTHER!" And the new bride began to sob
over the telephone. "But honey," the mother
countered...."WHAT 4-letter words?" "I can't tell
you, mother," said the daughter, "they're too
awful! COME GET ME, PLEASE!"
"Darling, you must tell me what has you so
upset....tell mother the 4-letter words!" Still sobbing, the
bride said, "Mother....words like
DUST....WASH....IRON....COOK!"
"HEAVENS," shouted the mother...."I'll be
there to pick you up in two hours....pack your bags!"
Two guys of limited intelligence were on a ship that sank in
the middle of the ocean. They managed to inflate a rubber
life raft and grab a box of provisions before their ship slipped
below the surface. After floating under blazing heat for 6 days
they ran out of food and water.
On the 10th day, bleary eyed and half dead from heat, thirst and
starvation, they spotted a small object floating toward them in
the water.
As it drew near, they were ecstatic to find that it was an oil
lamp (the kind the genies come in). They grabbed the lamp
and rubbed it. "POOF" out popped a tired old
genie who said,
"OK, so you freed me from this stupid lamp, yadda, yadda,
yadda. But hey, I've been doing this 3 wishes stuff for a long
time now and quite frankly, I'm burned out. You guys get
only ONE wish and then I'm OUTTA here. Make it a good
one".
The first guy, without hesitation or thought blurted out,
"Give us all the beer we can drink for the rest of our
lives!!!"
"Fine," said the genie, and he instantly turned the
entire ocean into beer.
"Great move Einstein!" said the second guy, slapping
the first guy in the head. "NOW we're gonna have to
pee in the BOAT!"
Pat ventures outside on a hot, humid and oppressive day, and
finds find his dog lying in the front lawn; eyes rolled back,
foaming at the mouth, shaking all over. Pat runs back indoors and
calls a vet who makes house-calls. The vet shows up w/a cat in a
cage. The vet checks the dog's vital signs; shaking his head
grimly, and lets the cat out of the cage. The cat circles the dog
7 times clockwise, stops, and circles the dog 7 times
counter-clockwise. As the cat re-enters his cage, the dog
"passes away" The vet gives Pat his condolences and
hands him a bill for $500. Pat is livid; disputing the
bill." You've only been here 15 minutes...and my dog is
dead!"
"How can you justify a $500 bill?" The vet replies, $50
is for the house call the remaining $450.00 is for the
"Cat-Scan".
An Army Ranger was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana and
he wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the
worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices
the local vendors were asking.
After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle"
attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the Ranger shouted,
"maybe I'll just go out and get my own alligator so I
can get a pair of shoes made at a reasonable price!"
The vendor said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you will
run into a couple of Marines who were in here earlier saying the
same thing."
So the Ranger headed into the bayou that same day and a few hours
later came upon two men standing waist deep in
the water. He thought, "those must
be the two Marines the guy in town was talking
about." Just then, the Ranger saw a tremendously
long gator swimming rapidly underwater towards one of the
Marines.
Just as the gator was about to attack, the Marine grabbed its
neck with both hands and strangled it to death with very little
effort. Then both Marines dragged it on shore and flipped it on
its back. Laying nearby were several more of the creatures.
One of the Marines then exclaimed, "Darn, this one
doesn't have any shoes either!"
A tiny but dignified old lady was among a group looking at
an art exhibition in a newly opened gallery. Suddenly one
contemporary painting caught her eye.
"What on earth," she inquired of the artist standing
nearby, "is that?"
He smiled condescendingly. "That, my dear lady, is supposed
to be a mother and her child."
"Well, then," snapped the little old lady, "why
isn't it?"
"Oh God," sighed the wife one morning,
"I'm convinced my mind is almost completely gone!"
Her husband looked up from the newspaper and commented, "I'm
not surprised: You've been giving me a piece of it every day for
twenty years!"
It was a mid-July day in Peoria, Illinois, and Johnny's mother
had invited several of her friends over for dinner. Just
before time to eat, she took Johnny aside and told him to say the
blessing.
"But what'll I say, Mom?"
"Before we eat, you say what you've heard me say many
times."
The boy stood with the other folks around the table and when his
mother nodded to him, he said, "Good Lord... Oh Good Lord...
why did I invite these people on a hot day like this?"
A local florist just went out of business, but it was his own
fault. He kept getting his orders mixed
up. One woman
received flowers sent by her husband, who was at a business
meeting in Florida. She was perplexed by the message on her
card: "Our deepest sympathy."
But she was not nearly as surprised as the woman whose husband
had just passed away. Her card read, "Hotter
here
than I expected. Too bad you didn't come too."
An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his
boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy
flip, the beast tossed him and his boat high into the air.
Then it opened its mouth to swallow both.
As the man sailed head over heels, he cried out, "Oh,
my God! Help me!"
At once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place, and as the
atheist hung in mid-air, a booming voice came down from the
clouds, "I thought you didn't believe in Me!"
"Come on God, give me a break!!," the man
pleaded. "two minutes ago I didn't believe in the Loch
Ness monster either!"
Life -- a sexually transmitted disease.
headline: "Father of 10 shot dead";
scrawled underneath: "mistaken for a rabbit."
"The water in this establishment has been personally passed by the manager."
"Does lateral coital position mean having a bit on the side?"
"If jewellery is a collection of jewels, factory a collection of facts, and pantry a collection of pants, then what is coquettry?"
"When God made man, She was only testing."
This fellow was walking home from work one evening, very
depressed. He was married to a nagging woman who was
constantly switching between treating him nice and tearing down
his self esteem. To add to it, his best friend was to be
hanged that night for a capital crime.
He stomped into the house and slammed the door, sunk in his
self-pity.
His wife said, "Honey, what's the problem?"
"They're hanging my best friend, Tony Wright, tonight!"
"I understand, go take a bath. I'll get supper ready
for you, Sweetie, and you can go down to see him before the
hanging. Now, won't that make you feel better?"
He decided to not make it worse and agrees with her proposal.
Well, while she was getting supper the paper came, hitting the
front door with a plop. She picked it up and opened
it. The heading said, "WRIGHT GETS STAY OF
EXECUTION."
She knew her husband would want to know immediately and hearing
the great news would really lift his spirits, so she went up the
stairs and opened the bathroom door. There he was, bent
over and naked, cleaning the tub.
She said, "Honey, they're not hanging Wright tonight!"
He answered, "The same old story. First you're nice
and then bitch, bitch, bitch!!!"
Politically Correct
No one fails a class anymore, he's merely "passing impaired."
You don't have detention, you're just one of the "exit delayed."
Your bedroom isn't cluttered, it's just "passage restrictive."
These days, a student isn't lazy. He's "energetically declined."
Your locker isn't overflowing with junk, it's just "closure prohibitive."
Kids don't get grounded anymore. They merely hit "social speed bumps."
Your homework isn't missing, its just having an "out-of-notebook experience."
You're not sleeping in class, you're "rationing consciousness."
You're not late, you just have a "rescheduled arrival time."
You're not having a bad hair day, you're suffering from "rebellious follicle syndrome."
You don't have smelly gym socks, you have "odor-retentive athletic footwear."
No one's tall anymore. He's "vertically enhanced."
You're not shy. You're "conversationally selective."
You don't talk a lot. You're just "abundantly verbal."
You weren't passing notes in class. You were "participating in the discreet exchange of penned meditations."
You're not being sent to the principals office. You're "going on a mandatory field trip to the administrative building."
It's not called gossip anymore. It's "the speedy transmission of near-factual information."
The food at the school cafeteria isn't awful. It's "digestively challenged."
This was seen on an outside board next to Dairy Queen:
HEY KIDS, SCREAM UNTIL DADDY STOPS!
BDoll told me about a local church has a sign which reads
"Sign Broke... Go inside for message."
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