Male Vs. Female Jokes

Male Vs. Female Jokes

Men Are From Mars... Women From Venus

The Difference...
Women have more imagination than men do.
They need it to tell us how wonderful we are.

Women have their faults. Men have only two.
Everything they say. Everything they do.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife
can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

The Style...
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping.
Men invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking.

The Workplace...
When a man gives his opinion, he's a man.
When a woman gives her opinions, she's a bitch.

Relationships...
Diamonds are a girl's best friend. Dogs are a man's best friend. Now you know which sex is smarter.

Love...
Men always want to be a woman's first love.
Women have a more subtle instinct: What they like is to be a man's last romance.

The only way to understand a woman is to love her - and then it isn't necessary to understand her.

To women, love is an occupation. To men, a preoccupation.

To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

Marriage...
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.

Men marry because they are tired; woman because they are curious. Both are disappointed.

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband,
while a man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A woman will always cherish the memory of the man who wanted to marry her;
a man, of the woman who he didn't.

There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman -
before marriage and after marriage.

Husbands...
Only two things are necessary to keep one's wife happy. One is to let her
think she is having her own way, and the other is to let her have it.

Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

Any married man should forget his mistakes - no use two people remembering the same thing.

Wives...
Some husbands are living proof that a woman can take a joke.

Husbands are like cars: all are good the first year.

The Battle...
A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

On Men...
If you women knew what we were thinking, you'd never stop slapping us.

Men are like animals, but they make great pets.

On Women...
Can you imagine a world without men? No crime and lots of happy fat women.

Women have two weapons: cosmetics and tears.

Women may be the only group that grows more radical with age.

God made man before woman to give him time to think of an answer for her first question.

Continuing Education Courses for Women
------------------------------------------

1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before.
2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits.
3. Combating the Imelda Marcos Syndrome: You Do Not Need New Shoes Everyday.
4. Parties: Going Without New Outfits.
5. Man Management: Discover How Minor Household Chores Can Wait Until After the Game.
6. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too.
7. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor Is His.
8. Valuation: Just Because It's Not Important to You . . .
9. Communication Skills I: Tears-The Last Resort, Not the First.
10. Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking.
11. Communication Skills III: Getting What You Want, Without Nagging.
12. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire.
13. Party Etiquette: Drinking Your Fair Share.
14. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up.
15. Introduction to Parking.
16. Advanced Parking: Reversing Into A Space.
17. Overcoming Anal Retentive Behavior: Leaving the Towels on the Floor.
18. Water retention: Fact or Fat.
19. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter.
20. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not For Human Consumption.
21. Cooking III: How Not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People.
22. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully.
23. PMS: Your Problem . . . Not His.
24. Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To.
25. Sex-It's For Married Couples Too.
26. Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have.
27. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice.
28. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together.
29. Ballet: For Women Only.
30. Oil and Gas: Your Car Needs Both.
31. Learning to "Go" in Public Restrooms.
32. Appreciating the Humor of the Three Stooges.
33. "Do These Jeans Make My Butt Look Big?"-Why Men Lie.
34. TV Remotes: For Men Only.

35. Sexy Lingerie For Any Occasion.

WHAT MEN REALLY MEAN

"I'm going fishing."
Really means..."I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."

"It's a guy thing."
Really means...."There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"Can I help with dinner?"
Really means...."Why isn't it already on the table?"

"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."
Really means....Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

"It would take too long to explain."
Really means..."I have no idea how it works.

"We're going to be late."
Really means...."Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."

"I was listening to you. It's just that I have things on my mind."
Really means...."I was wondering if that red-head over there is wearing a bra."

"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
Really means...."I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.."

"That's interesting, dear."
Really means...."Are you still talking?"

It's a really good movie."
Really means...."It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and beautiful women."

"That's women's work."
Really means...."It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."

"You know how bad my memory is."
Really means.... "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

"I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses."
Really means.... "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."

"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal."
Really means.... "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."

"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing."
Really means.... "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

"I can't find it."
Really means.... "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"What did I do this time?"
Really means.... "What did you catch me at?"

"I heard you."
Really means.... "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."

"You know I could never love anyone else."
Really means.... "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."

"You look terrific."
Really means.... "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."

"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."
Really means.... "No one will ever see us alive again."

"We share the housework."
Really means.... "I make the messes, she cleans them up."

Top 10 reasons Computers are male:

10. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.

9. A better model is always just around the corner.

8. They look nice and shiny until you bring them home.

7. It is always necessary to have a backup.

6. They'll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons.

5. The best part of having either one is the games you can play.

4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

3. The lights are on but nobody's home.

2. Big power surges knock them out for the night.

1. Size does matter

Top 10 reasons Compilers must be female:

10. Picky, picky, picky.

9. They hear what you say, but not what you mean.

8. Beauty is only shell deep.

7. When you ask what's wrong, they say "nothing".

6. Can produce incorrect results with alarming speed.

5. Always turning simple statements into big productions.

4. Smalltalk is important.

3. You do the same thing for years, and suddently it's wrong.

2. They make you take the garbage out.

1. Miss a period and they go wild

WOMEN ARE COMPLEX CREATURES

If you kiss her, you are not a gentleman

If you don't, you are not a man

If you praise her, she thinks you are lying

If you don't, you are good for nothing

If you agree to all her likes, you are a wimp

If you don't, you are not understanding

If you visit her often, she thinks it is boring

If you don't, she accuses you of double-crossing

If you are well dressed, she says you are a playboy

If you don't, you are a dull boy

If you are jealous, she says it's bad

If you don't, she thinks you do not love her

If you attempt a romance, she says you didn't respect her

If you don't, she thinks you do not like her

If you are a minute late, she complains it's hard to wait

If she is late, she says that's a girl's way

If you visit another man, you're not putting in "quality time"

If she is visited by another woman, "oh it's natural, we are girls"

If you kiss her once in a while, she professes you are cold

If you kiss her often, she yells that you are taking advantage

If you fail to help her in crossing the street, you lack ethics

If you do, she thinks it's just one of men's tactics for seduction

If you stare at another woman, she accuses you of flirting

If she is stared by other men, she says that they are just admiring

If you talk, she wants you to listen

If you listen, she wants you to talk

In short:

So simple, yet so complex

So weak, yet so powerful

So confusing, yet so desirable

So damning, yet so wonderful...

....WOMEN!

1.) Man "Haven't we met before?"

Woman "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the V.D. Clinic."

2.) In the department of "nice turn downs" there's this one I'll have to think about that, thinking makes me tired, when I'm tired I want to sleep, not make love, so let's not, okay?

3.) Man "So, wanna go back to my place?"

Woman "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"

4.) Man "I'd really like to get into your pants."

Woman "No thanks. There's already one asshole in there."

5.) The most memorable rebuttal to a turn down (used by the guy who used to live across the hall from me in residence) when he asked a girl to dance and she refused

Man "Want to Dance?"

Woman "No, thank you."

Man "Don't thank me, thank God somebody asked you."

6.) Man "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"

Woman "It's in the phone book."

Man "But I don't know your name."

Woman "That's in the phone book too."

7.) Man "So what do you do for a living?"

Woman "Female impersonator."

8.) Man "You know, I'd really love to travel to exotic places with you."

Woman (tries to ignore him)

Man "You know what? I also love sex. What do you say to that?"

Woman "Hmmm...you really love sex and travel?"

Man (nods his head smiling)

Woman "Then go take a fuckin' hike!!!"

9.) I like the line I once heard in a movie. This guy was trying to pick up this girl, and she said to him, "Can you pound a railroad spike through a 2x4 with your hard-on?" To which he merely shudders a negative. She says, "Well, a girl's gotta have her standards."

10.) Man "Voulez-vous vous coucher avec moi ce soir?"

(Would you like to go to bed with me tonight?)

Woman "Je voudrais bien, mais je n'ai rien a porter."

(I would love to, but I have nothing to wear.)

11.) Q What sign were you born under?

A No Parking.

12.) A guy comes up to a girl and tells her some pick-up line. She grabs his crotch, looks down at it, looks back at him, and says, "Sorry, I don't see any potential here" and nonchalantly walks off.

13.) And here's one including the correct snappy return

Man "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"

Woman "Unfertilized, screw off!"

14.) After hearing a pick-up line

Woman "I like your approach, now let's see your departure."

15.) A girlfriend of mine once had a graying man in his 60's approach her in a club while she was in college with the line, "Where have you been all my life?" She took one glance at him and said, "For the first half of it, I probably wasn't born yet."

16.) A friend of mine came up with a very quick response over vacation. We were walking down the street and I glanced at a girl who had just walked by. She turned around and said to me, "What are you looking at?"

My friend, walking next to me came to the rescue, "He thought you were good looking, but he was mistaken."

17.) While at college, a few friends were discussing how their "passes" had been rejected by the intended female receiver. One of the ladies explained how she handled it once...

When the guy, obviously getting irritated, blurted out something like, "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason!"

She responded, "Yea! Let's pick up some chicks!" He immediately blanched, and decided that maybe he would look someplace else.

18.) The attractive young woman was sitting at the bar, alone, when the lounge lizard made his move. "I'm here," he breathed huskily, "to fulfill your every sexual fantasy." The woman turned and looked at him. Her lips parted and she moistened them with the tip of her tongue. She leaned toward him with her hands on her thighs, and her eyes opened to the size of dinner plates. She paused just a second and then delivered the crusher line, "You've got a large donkey or Doberman?" The guy turned as green as his golf slacks and slipped away without a word.

19.) "Sorry, I don't date outside my species."

20.) Man "Hey, baby, if you come home with me, I can show you a really good time."

Woman "You know what your problem is? Your mouth is writing checks that your body can't cash."

Simple Duties

--You go out to buy her flowers +10

--But return with beer -5

--You check out a suspicious noise at night 0

--You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing 0

--You check out a suspicious noise and it's something +5

--You pummel it with a six iron +10

--It's her father -10

Social Engagements

--You stay by her side the entire party 0

--You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy -2

--Named Tiffany -4

--Tiffany is a dancer -6

--Tiffany has implants -8

Saturday Afternoons

--You visit her parents +1

--You visit her parents and actually make conversation +3

--You visit her parents and stare at the television -3

--And the television is off -6

--You spend the afternoon watching college football in your underwear -6

--And you didn't even go to college -10

--And it's not really your underwear -15

Her Birthday

--You take her out to dinner 0

--You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar +1

--Okay, it is a sports bar -2

--And it's all-you-can-eat night -3

--It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team -10

--You give her a gift 0

--You give her a gift, and it's a small appliance -10

--You give her a gift, and it's not a small appliance +1

--You give her a gift, and it isn't chocolate +2

--You give her a gift that you'll be paying off for months +30

--You wait til the last minute and buy her a gift that day -10

--With her credit card -30

--And whatever you bought is two sizes too big -40

Thoughtfulness

--You forget to pick her up at the bus station -25

--Which is in Newark, New Jersey -35

--And the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast -50

A Night Out with Your Pals

--You have a few beers -9

--For every beer after three, -2 again

--And miss curfew by an hour -12

--You get home at 3 a.m. -20

--You get home at 3 a.m. smelling of booze and cheap cigars -30

--And not wearing any pants -40

--Is that a tattoo? -200

A Night Out, Just The Two of You

--You go see a comic +2

--He's crude and sexist -2

--You laugh -5

--You laugh too much -10

--She's not laughing -15

--You laugh harder -25

Driving

--You lose the directions on a trip -4

--You lose the directions and end up getting lost -10

--You end up getting lost in a bad part of town -15

--You get lost in a bad part of town & meet the locals up close & personal -25

--She finds out you lied about having a black belt -60

Communication

--When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression 0

--When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes +5

--You listen for more than 30 minutes, without looking at the television or picking up a newspaper +10

--She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep -10

COMEBACKS TO THOSE PICK UP LINE COMEBACKS

M: I know how to please a woman.

W: Then please leave me alone.

M: I guess you're pretty good at pleasing yourself then. <-- New

M: You look like a dream.

W: Go back to sleep.

M: You mean this isn't a nightmare?

M: I can tell that you want me.

W: Yes, I want you to leave.

M: Well, I wasn't planning on doing you HERE!

M: Hey, baby, what's your sign?

W: Do not enter. -OR- Stop.

M: Really? You look more like a "Yield."

M: Your body is like a temple.

W: Sorry, there are no services today.

M: Here's a donation to restore the exterior.

M: Is this seat empty?

W: Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.

M: [Looking away] Honey, there's two here!

M: What's it like being the most beautiful girl in the bar?

W: What's it like being the biggest liar in the world?

M: You're right. I was lying.

M: Haven't I seen you someplace before?

W: Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore.

M: Well, I guess you really don't belong in the men's room anyway.

Ages Of Women

16-25 Like Africa Partly Vigin Partly Explored

25-35 Like India Hot & Mysterious

35-45 Like Europe Devastated But Interesting In Parts

45-55 Like U.S.A. Efficient But Unconscious

55-65 Like Russia Everybody Knows Where It Is But No One Wants To Go There

65 & Over Like U.N.O. It Functions But Nobody Interested.

Ages Of Men

16-25 Twice Daily

25-35 Tri-Weekly

35-45 Try Weekly

45-55 Try Weakly

55-65 Try Oysters

65-75 Try Anything

75 & Over Try To Remember

Haircuts - The difference between men and women

Women's version:

Woman2: Oh! You got a haircut! That's so cute!

Woman1: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she gave me the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?

Woman2: Oh God no! No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this stuff I think.

Woman1: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.

Woman2: Oh - that's funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line.

Woman1: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms - see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier.

Men's version:

Man2: Haircut?

Man1: Yeah.

There was a perfect man who met a perfect woman. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect.

One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve this perfect couple was driving along a winding road when they noticed someone at the roadside in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident.

Only one of them survived the accident.

Who was the survivor?

The perfect woman.

Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and no such thing as a perfect man.

* A Male's Response

So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident.

40 WAYS MEN FAIL IN BED

1) NOT KISSING FIRST. Avoiding her lips and diving straight for the erogenous zones makes her feel like you're paying by the hour and trying to get your money's worth by cutting out nonessentials. A properly passionate kiss is the ultimate form of foreplay.

2) BLOWING TOO HARD IN HER EAR. Admit it, some kid at school told you girls love this. Well, there's a difference between being erotic and blowing as if you're trying to extinguish the candles on your 50th birthday cake. That hurts.

3) NOT SHAVING. You often forget you have a porcupine strapped to your chin which you rake repeatedly across your partner's face and thighs. When she turns her head from side to side, it's not passion, it's avoidance.

4) SQUEEZING HER BREAST. Most men act like a housewife testing a melon for ripeness when they get their hand on a pair. Stroke, caress, and smooth them.

5) BITING HER NIPPLES. Why do men fasten onto a woman's nipples, then clamp down like they're trying to deflate her body via her breasts? Nipples are highly sensitive. They can't stand up to chewing. Lick and suck them gently. Flicking your tongue across them is good. Pretending they're a doggie toy isn't.

6) TWIDDLING HER NIPPLES. Stop doing that thing where you twiddle the nipples between finger and thumb like you're trying to find a radio station in a hilly area. Focus on the whole breasts, not just the exclamation points.

7) IGNORING THE OTHER PARTS OF HER BODY. A woman is not a highway with just three turnoffs: Breastville East and West, and the Midtown Tunnel. There are vast areas of her body which you've ignored far too often as you go bombing straight into downtown Vagina. So start paying them some attention.

8) GETTING THE HAND TRAPPED. Poor manual dexterity in the underskirt region can result in tangled fingers and underpants. If you're going to be that aggressive, just ask her to take the damn things off.

9) LEAVING HER A LITTLE PRESENT. Condom disposal is the man's responsibility. You wore it, you store it.

10) ATTACKING THE CLITORIS. Direct pressure is very unpleasant, so gently rotate your fingers along side of the clitoris.

11) STOPPING FOR A BREAK. Women, unlike men, don't pick up where they left off. If you stop, they plummet back to square one very fast. If you can tell she's not there, keep going at all costs, numb jaw or not.

12) UNDRESSING HER AWKWARDLY. Women hate looking stupid, but stupid she will look when naked at the waist with a sweater stuck over her head. Unwrap her like an elegant present, not a kid's toy.

13) GIVING HER A WEDGIE DURING FOREPLAY. Stroking her gently through her panties can be very sexy. Pulling the material up between her thighs and yanking it back and forth is not.

14) BEING OBSESSED WITH THE VAGINA. Although most men can find the clitoris without maps, they still believe that the vagina is where it's all at. No sooner is your hand down there than you're trying to stuff stolen banknotes up a chimney. This is okay in principle, but if you're not careful, it can hurt - so don't get carried away. It's best to pay more attention to her clitoris and the exterior of her vagina at first, then gently slip a finger inside her and see if she likes it.

15) MASSAGING TOO ROUGHLY. You're attempting to give her a sensual, relaxing massage to get her in the mood. Hands and fingertips are okay; elbows and knees are not.

16) UNDRESSING PREMATURELY. Don't force the issue by stripping before she's at least made some move toward getting your stuff off, even if it's just undoing a couple of buttons.

17) TAKING YOUR PANTS OFF FIRST. A man in socks and underpants is a at his worst. Lose the socks fist.

18) GOING TOO FAST. When you get to the penis-in-vagina situation, the worst thing you can do is pump away like an industrial power tool - she'll soon feel lie an assembly-line worker made obsolete by your technology. Build up slowly, with clean, straight, regular thrusts.

19) GOING TOO HARD. If you bash your great triangular hip bones into her thigh or stomach, the pain is equal to two weeks of horseback riding concentrated into a few seconds.

20) COMING TOO SOON. Every man's fear. With reason. if you shoot before you see the whites of her eyes, make sure you have a backup plan to ensure her pleasure too.

21) NOT COMING SOON ENOUGH. It may appear to you that humping for an hour without climaxing is the mark of a sex god, but to her it's more likely the mark of a numb vagina. At least buy some intriguing wall hangings, so she has something to hold her interest while you're playing Marathon Man.

22) ASKING IF SHE HAS COME. You really ought to be able to tell. Most women make noise. But if you really don't know, don't ask

23) PERFORMING ORAL SEX TOO GENTLY. Don't act like a giant cat at a saucer of milk. Get your whole mouth down there, and concentrate on gently rotating or flicking your tongue on her clitoris.

24) NUDGING HER HEAD DOWN. Men persist in doing this until she's eyeball-to-penis, hoping that it will lead very swiftly to mouth-to-penis. All women hate this. It's about three steps from being dragged to a cave by their hair. If you want her to use her mouth, use yours; try talking seductively to her.

25) NOT WARNING HER BEFORE YOU CLIMAX. Sperm tastes like sea water mixed with egg white. Not everybody likes it. When she's performing oral sex, warn her before you come so she can do what's necessary.

26) MOVING AROUND DURING FELLATIO. Don't thrust. She'll do all the moving during fellatio. You just lie there. And don't grab her head.

27) TAKING ETTIQUETTE A DIVE FROM PORN MOVIES. In X-rated movies, women seem to love it when men ejaculate over them. In real life, it just means more laundry to do.

28) MAKING HER RIDE ON TOP FOR AGES. Asking her to be on top is fine. Lying there grunting while she does all the hard work is not. Caress her gently, so that she doesn't feel quite so much like the captain of a schooner. And let her have a rest.

29) ATTEMPTING ANAL SEX AND PRETENDING IT WAS AN ACCIDENT. This is how men earn a reputation for not being able to follow directions. If you want to put it there, ask her first. And don't think that being drunk is an excuse.

30) TAKING PICTURES. When a man says, "Can I take a photo of you?" she'll hear the words "__to show my buddies." At least let her have custody of them.

31) NOT BEING IMAGINATIVE ENOUGH. Imagination is anything from drawing patterns on her back to pouring honey on her and licking it off. Fruit, vegetables, ice and feathers are all handy props; hot candle wax and permanent dye are a no no.

32) SLAPPING YOUR STOMACH AGAINST HERS. There is no less erotic noise. It's as sexy as a belching contest.

33) ARRANGING HER IN STUPID POSES. If she wants to do advanced yoga in bed, fine, but unless she's a Romanian gymnast, don't get too ambitious. Ask yourself if you want a sexual partner with snapped hamstrings.

34) LOOKING FOR HER PROSTATE. Read this carefully: Anal stimulation feels good for men because they have a prostate. Women don't

35) GIVING LOVE BITES. It is highly erotic to exert some gentle suction on the sides of the neck, if you do it carefully. No woman wants to have to wear turtlenecks and jaunty scarves for weeks on end.

36) BARKING INSTRUCTIONS. Don't shout encouragement like a coach with a megaphone. It's not a big turn-on.

37) TALKING DIRTY. It makes you sound like a lonely magazine editor calling a 1-900 line. If she likes nasty talk, she'll let you know.

38) NOT CARING WHETHER SHE COMES. You have to finish the job. Keep on trying until you get it right, and she might even do the same for you.

39) SQUASHING HER. Men generally weigh more than women, so if you lie on her a bit too heavily, she will turn blue.

40) THANKING HER. Never thank a woman for having sex with you. Your bedroom is not a soup kitchen.

THE MEN'S GUIDE TO WHAT A WOMAN REALLY WANTS WHEN SHE SAYS....

"We need" = "I want"

"It's your decision " = "The correct decision should be obvious by now."

"Do what you want" = "You'll pay for this later."

"We need to talk" = "I need to complain"

"I'm not upset" = "Of course I'm upset, you moron!"

"You're so... manly" = "You need a shave and you sweat a lot."

"Be romantic, turn out the lights." = "I have flabby thighs."

"This kitchen is so inconvenient" = "I want a new house."

"I need wedding shoes" = "the other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white."

"Hang the picture there" = "NO, I mean hang it there!"

"I heard a noise" = "I noticed you were almost asleep."

"Do you love me?" = "I'm going to ask for something expensive."

"How much do you love me?" = "I did something today you're really not going to like."

"I'll be ready in a minute " = "Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V."

"Is my butt fat?" = "Tell me I'm beautiful."

"You have to learn to communicate." = "Just agree with me."

"Are you listening to me!? " = "Too late, you're dead."

"Do you like this recipe?" = "It's easy to cook, so you'd better get used to it."

"I'm not yelling!" = "Yes I am yelling because I think this is important."

THE WOMAN'S GUIDE TO WHAT A MAN REALLY WANTS...

"I'm hungry." = "I'm hungry."

"I'm sleepy." = "I'm sleepy."

"I'm tired." = "I'm tired."

"Do you want to go to a movie?" = "I'd eventually like to have sex with you."

"Can I take you out to dinner?" = "I'd eventually like to have sex with you."

"Can I call you sometime?" = "I'd eventually like to have sex with you."

"May I have this dance?" = "I'd eventually like to have sex with you."

"Nice dress!" = "Nice cleavage!"

"You look tense, let me give you a massage." = "I want to fondle you."

"What's wrong?" = "What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?"

"What's wrong?" = "I guess sex tonight is out of the question. "

"I'm bored." = "Do you want to have sex?"

"I love you." = "Let's have sex now."

"I love you, too." = "Okay, I said it...we'd better have sex now!"

"Yes, I like the way you cut your hair." = "I liked it better before."

"Yes, I like the way you cut your hair." = "$50 and it doesn't look that much different!"

"Let's talk." = "I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me."

"Will you marry me?" = "I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys."

"I don't think that blouse and that skirt go well together." = "I am gay."

And then here is the WOMEN'S GUIDE TO DRIVING MEN CRAZY

1. Do not say what you mean. Ever.

2. Be ambiguous. Always.

3. Cry. Cry often. Tell them it's their fault.

4. Bring things up that were said, done, or thought years, months, or decades ago...

5. Make them apologize for everything.

6. Stash feminine products in their backpacks and in their books as cute reminders that you were thinking of them.

7. Cry

8. Play Alanis Morissette's 'You Oughta Know,' loud. Look at them. Smile.

9. Look them in the eye and start laughing.

10. Cry.

11. Get mad at them for everything.

12. Discuss your period in front of them. Watch them squirm.

13. Hold grudges.

14. Demand to be e-mailed. Often. Whine when they don't comply..

15. When complimented, make sure to be paranoid. Take nothing at face value.

16. Use daddy as a weapon. Tell them about his gun collection, his quick trigger finger, and his affection for his 'little princess.'

17. Be late for everything. Yell if they're late.

18. Talk about your ex-boyfriend. Compare and contrast.

19. Go everywhere in groups, especially the bathroom. Do nothing alone. Independence is a sign of weakness

20. Cry.

21. Make them guess what you want and then get mad when they're wrong.

22. Plan little relationship anniversaries, i.e. the monthly anniversary of the time you saw each other in the five minutes. Then get mad at them for forgetting. Then cry.

23. Gather many female friends and dance to 'I Will Survive' while they are present. Sing all the words. Sing to them. Sing loud.

24. Correct their grammar.

25. Describe back-alley abortions. Then remind them of their mother or little sister.

26. Constantly claim you're fat. Ask them. Then cry, regardless of their answer.

27. Leave out the good parts in stories.

28. Make sure to only be interested in guys in the same friendship group. Make sure to cause trouble.

29. Make them wonder. Confusion is a good thing.

30. Declare that you are not wacko.

31. Criticize the way they dress.

32. Criticize the music they listen to.

33. Criticize their hair.

34. Ignore them. When asked, 'What's wrong?' tell them that if they don't know, you're not going to tell them.

35. Try to change them.

36. Try to mold them.

37. Try to get them to dance.

38. Pretend you're interested, lead them on, then feign ignorance when confronted.

39. When they screw up, never let them forget it.

40. Make them stay at religious services until they are close to fainting. Just because.

41. Blame everything on PMS.

42. Blame everything on PMS only after it has been blamed on them.

43. Whenever there is silence ask them, 'What are you thinking?'

44. Get mad if they don't notice a haircut. Even if it's only a half inch.

45. Read into everything.

46. Cry.

47. Make it your goal to make them cry.

What is a man's view of safe sex?
A padded headboard

How can you tell if a woman is happy?
Who cares?

Why do so many women fake orgasm?
Because so many men fake foreplay.

Why were shopping carts invented?
To teach women to walk on their hind legs.

How many screws are there in a lesbian's bed?
None, it's all tongue 'n' groove!

What do you tell a chick with two black eyes ?
Nothing, she's already been told twice.

MAN AND WOMAN
A man is a person who, if a woman says,
"Never mind, I'll do it myself," lets her.

A woman is a person who, if she says to a man,
"Never mind, I'll do it myself," and he lets her, gets mad.

A man is a person who, if a woman says to him,
"Never mind, I'll do it myself," and he lets her and she get mad, says, "Now what are you mad about?".

A woman is a person who, if she says to a man,
"Never mind, I'll do it myself," and he lets her and she get mad, and he says, "Now what are mad about?" says
"If you don't know why I’m mad at you I'm not going to tell you."

Consumer's Report on Selecting Girlfriend

Well it's been almost 20 years since Consumer's Reports reviewed girlfriends (CR, Aug 1972). Since then, styles have changed, new features have been introduced, and the market for girlfriends has changed substantially. So we here at CU decided another report was needed.

As in a car or a computer, you should ask yourself what you need a girlfriend for before obtaining one. This will, in large part, dictate the final product which you should consider. Do you want an intellectual companion? A baby factory? A hiking partner? Or just lots of good, old-fashioned sex? Identifying your needs is the first, and most important, step in selecting a girl- friend.

The second question which needs to be addressed is, of course, how much you are able to spend. This is largely determined by your physical and personal characteristics--if you are good looking, have a commanding personality and a good sense of humor, you will have the resources to obtain a fancy, high-end model. On the other hand, if you are ugly, smell bad, and wear polyester clothes, your choices are more limited. Keep your purchasing power in mind when considering your selection. Although the salesman will tell you that a girlfriend can be financed, CU does not recommend this practice; due to inflating expectations, the required monetary outlay will actually *increase* with time.

Used vs. New

A question many girlfriend seekers have to address is whether to get a new or a used girlfriend. The answer to this question will, roughly speaking, be determined by your age, as shown in the following table:

Your age      Used or New
1-12 years     (see note A)
13-16 years New
17-21 years Used, but not used up
22-35 years Used heavily
35-60 years New (see note B)
60+               (see note A)

Notes:
A: Seek psychiatric help
B: Only "new" if income $100,000/year. Otherwise, "divorced".

New girlfriends have the advantage that they have no previous bad experiences to project on you, but the disadvantage that they will rarely be old enough to open their own checking account. Used girlfriends, on the other hand, may be steady, reliable performers, with the initial problems worked out, but CU advises that you avoid models which have much more than average mileage (2.1 SO's/yr). Much greater than the average may be an indication that the girlfriend was a professional.

Accessories

Often the potential girlfriends you see on the lot or in a tavern will be loaded with accessories, as the dealer gets a high markup on such items as large bosom, long legs, green eyes, etc. Other accessories will only appeal to fringe markets, such as models which come pre-equipped with children, or the ability run 10 miles while chanting sanskrit. In such cases you should make a list of accessories desired, tolerated, and disliked. Note that some accessories (such as children) can be added later, while others (such as a large bosom) must be factory installed.

The Test Ride

When evaluating a girlfriend, a test ride is essential. The test ride ritual begins with the so-called "pickup line", which can range from the simple if dull ("Can I buy you a drink?") to the aggressively hip ("dance with me or I'll kill you") to the arcane ("You're my Camus comrade, and I want to leap you, Faith!"). CU rates as Not Acceptable "Smile, you'll look better." Once on the test bed, evaluate handling, stability, and acceleration. The two questions you want to answer are: how fast, and how far? Examine the detailing. Does the bosom sag? Does the heater warm adequately, or does she remain cool?

Ordering vs. On-the-Lot

Finding the right girlfriend can be a frustrating experience, and many potential customers find it hard to get the exact model and accessories wanted. In such cases ordering from the factory is an option. Delivery time, however, is from 14 to 16 years (depending on the state you live in), and CU questions the usefulness of such a practice: if you have access to the baby factory, you should reconsider your need for a girlfriend anyway.

Methodology

Girlfriends were evaluated by a dedicated group of 10 test engineers, selected to typify the average seeking population. All tests were performed at CU's specially constructed test facility, which included a bedroom, kitchen, and living room, and at a number of bars and taverns surrounding the facility. A series of seven tests were run, evaluating each product according to the following criterion: intelligence, wit, humor, empathy, initiative, looks, and performance.

Results

Girlfriends are grouped together in categories by similarity. Within each category, variation is not statistically significant.

Goddess: This is the woman of your dreams. She comes equipped with all the options you want and none of the ones you don't. She can argue subtle points of philosophy, give you a stiff game of racquetball, understand what you mean even if you don't say it, and break a bed. No mental or physical hang-ups. The drawback is that this model is not actually available.
Goddess-in-law: This model is similar to the goddess, but comes with contractual retainers, such as a psychotic ex-husband, a spiteful mother, an alcoholic father, and a bratty kid. This model tends to generate grey hairs.
Ms. Right: The best all-around choice for most girlfriend situations. Has most of the characteristics of the Goddess except possibly in the wrong size or hair color. Other than that, an excellent long-term investment. Availability is extremely limited but can occasionally be found with luck.
Babe: This is the flashy, fully-loaded variety with all the options. Unfortunately this model lacks cognitive powers and empathy. Showy, and suitable for a parade or for impressing your friends, but not for your long-term girlfriend needs.
Friend: The model with the most empathy. Caring and kind but you wouldn't be caught dead in it. Availability is poor to fair, depending on quality.
Yeah, Her: The Ford Escort of girlfriends. Widely available, but useful as a girlfriend only in a pinch, if no others are available. Tends to be spiteful or unreliable, or have a dull finish.

Until you find her, we at CU wish you Happy Hunting!

WHY COFFEE IS BETTER THAN WOMEN

1. You don't have to put cream in your coffee to make it taste good.

2. Coffee doesn't complain when you put whipped cream in it.

3. A cup of coffee looks good in the morning.

4. You won't fall asleep after a cup of coffee.

5. You can always warm coffee up.

6. Coffee comes with endless refills.

7. Coffee is cheaper.

8. You won't get arrested for ordering coffee at 3 AM.

9. Coffee never runs out.

10. Coffee is out of your system by tomorrow morning.

11. You can take black coffee home to meet your parents.

12. You can make coffee as sweet as you want.

13. You can smoke while drinking coffee.

14. You can put out a cigarette in a cup of coffee.

15. Coffee smells and tastes good.

16. You don't have to put vinegar in your coffee.

17. If your coffee pot leaks, you can use a regular paper towel.

18. You can always get fresh coffee.

19. You can turn the pot on, leave the room, and it'll be hot when you get back.

20. They sell coffee at police stations.

21. You can always ditch a bad cup of coffee.

22. Coffee goes down easier.

23. If you put chocolate in your coffee, it doesn't put on weight.

24. No matter how ugly you are, you can always get a cup of coffee.

25. A big cup or small cup? It doesn't matter.

26. Your coffee doesn't talk to you.

27. Coffee smells good in the morning.

28. Coffee is good when it's cold too.

29. Coffee stains are easier to remove.

30. Coffee doesn't care when you dunk things in it.

31. Coffee doesn't care what kind of mood you're in.

32. Coffee doesn't shed.

33. Coffee is ready in 15 minutes or less.

34. You can't get a cup of coffee pregnant by putting cream in it.

35. Coffee doesn't mind being ground.

36. No matter how bad coffee is, you can always make it better.

37. Coffee doesn't have a time of the month... it's good all the time.

38. When coffee gets old, you can throw it away.

39. When you have a coffee, you don't end up with a pube in the back of your throat.

40. Coffee doesn't take up half your bed.

41. Coffee doesn't mind if you wake up at 3 AM and decide to have a cup.

42. INSTANT COFFEE!

43. You can have an intelligent conversation with coffee.

44. It can take up to 2 weeks for coffee to grow mold.

45. Your coffee won't be jealous of a larger cup.

WHY DOGS ARE BETTER THAN WOMEN

A dog's disposition stays the same all month long.

A dog's parents never visit.

A dog's time in the bathroom is confined to a quick drink.

Anyone can get a good-looking dog.

Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

Dogs are excited by rough play.

Dogs aren't catty.

Dogs can appreciate excessive body hair.

Dogs can't talk.

Dogs don't borrow your shirts.

Dogs don't care if you use their shampoo.

Dogs don't cry.

Dogs don't expect you to call when you are running late.

Dogs don't hate their bodies.

Dogs don't let magazine articles guide their lives.

Dogs don't mind if you give their offspring away.

Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.

Dogs don't shop.

Dogs don't want to know about every other dog you ever had.

Dogs don't worry about germs.

Dogs enjoy heavy petting in public.

Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.

Dogs have no use for flowers, cards, or jewelry.

Dogs like beer.

Dogs like it when you leave lots of things on the floor.

Dogs like to do their snooping outside as opposed to in your wallet, desk, and the back of your sock drawer.

Dogs love it when your friends come over.

Dogs love long car trips.

Dogs love red meat.

Dogs never criticize.

Dogs never expect gifts.

Dogs never need to examine the relationship.

Dogs never want foot-rubs.

Dogs seldom outlive you.

Dogs think you sing great.

Dogs understand that all animals smaller than dogs were made to be hunted.

Dogs understand that farts are funny.

Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for directions.

Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.

Dogs would rather have you buy them a hamburger dinner than a lobster one.

If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.

No dog ever bought a Kenny G or Hootie & the Blowfish album.

No dog ever put on 100 pounds after reaching adulthood.

The later you are, the more excited dogs are to see you

You never have to wait for a dog. They're ready to go 24 hours a day.

HOW DOGS AND WOMEN ARE ALIKE

Both are good at pretending that they're listening to every word you say.

Both can eat 5 pounds of chocolate in one sitting.

Both constantly want back rubs.

Both look good in a fur coat.

Both look stupid in hats.

Both put too much value on kissing.

Both tend to have "hip" problems.

Neither believe that silence is golden.

Neither can balance a checkbook.

Neither understand football.

You can never tell what either of them is thinking.

HOW WOMEN ARE BETTER THAN DOGS

It is socially acceptable to have sexual relations with a woman.

Though they only have two, women's breasts are far more interesting.

Women leave the room to fart.

Women look good in sweaters.

"WOMAN" - CHEMICAL ANALYSIS

Warning: Can be dangerous to men.

Element: Woman.

Symbol: Wo

Discoverer: Adam.

Atomic Mass: Accepted as 53.6kg, but known to vary from 40 to 200kg.

Occurrence: Copious Quantities in all urban areas

Physical Properties.

1. Surface usually covered in a painted film

2. Boils at nothing, freezes without known reason.

3. Melts if given special treatment.

4. Bitter if incorrectly used.

5. Found in various states from virgin metal to common ore.

6. Yields to pressure applied at special points.

Chemical Properties.

1. Has great affinity with gold, silver and a range of precious stones.

2. Absorbs great quantities of precious substances.

3. May explode spontaneously without warning and for no apparent reason.

4. Insoluble in liquids, but activity is greatly increased by soaking in alcohol.

5. Most powerful money reducing agent known to man.

Common Uses.

1. Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars.

2. Can be great aid to relaxation.

3. Very effective cleaning agent.

Tests

1. Pure specimen turns pink rosy when discovered in natural state.

2. Turns green when placed besides a better specimen.

Potential Hazards.

1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands.

2. Illegal to possess more than one specimen, although several may be maintained at different location provided specimens do not come into direct contact.

    * Wife : u delivered an excellent speech.
    * Hubby : Thanks dear, but the audience was full of fools & idiots.
    * Wife : Is that why u addressed them as your brothers & sisters?

1/ Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.

2/ At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man."

3/ Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is really finished. Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his bachelor's degree and the woman gets her master's.

4/ A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it."

5/ Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in most countries, son.

6/ Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late.

7/ A happy marriage is a matter of give and take; the husband gives and the wife takes.

8/ When a newly married man looks happy we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy - we wonder why.

9/ Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbours listen.

10/ After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." And the husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice it."

11/ It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.

12/ A man inserted an 'ad' in the classified: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

13/ When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.

14/ A perfect wife is one who helps the husband with the dishes. A woman was telling her friend , "It is I who made my husband a millionaire." "And what was he before you married him." Asked the friend. The woman replied, " A multimillionaire".

10 THINGS WOMEN WILL SIMPLY NEVER UNDERSTAND...

Men are a misunderstood lot, which all in all is probably for the best. Women are better off not knowing that we eat with our hands the minute they leave the room or that we use their nail clippers to trim our nose hair. Better for them, better for us. Still, it's annoying that women spend more time and money trying to understand the minds of cats than they do wondering about what makes men tick. Which is why they'll never understand...

1. Our consuming need to own the biggest and most expensive version of just about everything.
***********************

Our compulsive desire to drive off-road vehicles in cities and use corkscrews that resemble off-shore drilling equipment is well documented. As marketing targets, men are suckers for terms like "professional" or "industrial strength", because inside every man is the germ of every profession he ever imagined himself one day excelling at. Most of these purchases are harmless, little more than childish wish fulfillment played out at a higher testosterone level. But occasionally we go too far. The guy upstairs from me once boasted that he had a filter which filled his flat with "operating theatre quality air". I kept him away from my surgical steel steak knives.

2. Why we are so bad at shopping.
***********************

We've never been trained to do it the right way. Supermarkets are like giant booby traps for males - which is why if you send a man out to but eggs, sugar and bread you should not be surprised if he returns home with a case of wine, a pair of jeans and a tree.

3. The reason why we don't like to discuss The Relationship.
***********************

Most of us will find any excuse to dodge those conversations that start with questions like "Are you really happy?" and "Where do you see us going?" A relationship is a delicate thing, like an antique clock, and we know what will happen if we start picking it apart. Often our reticence will result in a lengthy conversation about why we have trouble talking about The Relationship.

4. Why we think we can fix things.
***********************

Almost all men believe they can repair virtually anything with a little patience. In reality, we're only half right. Men are extremely good at taking things apart: whether it's a dishwasher or an antique clock, a man can break it down to its most basic components in no time. Unfortunately, this is where our expertise usually leaves off, and we're mostly satisfied with leaving bits and pieces spread all over newspaper on the kitchen table.

5. Men and video games.
***********************

Women cannot understand how grown men can waste huge chunks of their lives zapping things off a screen. When a man repeatedly rings his girlfriend to say he has to work late and routinely comes home at two in the morning all glassy eyed, she will usually take this as evidence of an affair - when it's more likely that a pirated copy of Streetfighter II is making the rounds at the office.

6. That sometimes we really are ill.
***********************

When men get ill, women are generally united in their belief that we are faking it. This is based on a tired old axiom stating that men will never fully understand the agony of childbirth so deserve no
sympathy regarding matters of pain, fear or incapacitation. For the record, it should be noted that all men are in a constant state of feeling slightly under the weather just from being men. It's only a
misplaced sense of machismo that forces us from our beds every day to go into work and then down to the pub for a couple of schooners of the only thing that ever makes us feel any better.

7. The way we watch television.
***********************

Men don't just watch the TV, they plug right in. Once we're on the right wavelength, we can watch almost anything, including commercials, with a slack-jawed intensity which probably drives you crazy. Unfortunately for women, men cannot achieve this higher state without a firm grasp on the remote.

8. Our sense of humor.
***********************

When women say that what they most want from a man is a sense of humor, they tend to mean something different from what we mean. Women never understand the comic genius of their mate who makes beer come out of his nose.

9. Why we're so boring.
***********************

Male conversation generally relies heavily on petty obsession, technical jargon, numbing detail and presumed expertise. Topics that women only feel the need to mention in passing become Test-Match length debates among men. True, some of us are able to combine a scintillating wit with a flair for story telling and a nose for gossip, but we tend to reserve these talents for conversations with women. Between ourselves, the drive to talk at length about tire pressure or "Star Trek" episodes is too alluring. Even if your local pool team boasted Socrates, Einstein and Oscar Wilde as members, you'd still probably have to discuss the fastest way to get to the freeway.

10. The male menopause.
***********************

Midlife crisis, the seven year itch, whatever you like to call it - women don't understand the seriousness of this condition, instead seeing it only as an excuse for a man to resign from his job, buy a Harley Davidson and start a relationship with a woman a third of his age. Like there has to be more to it than that.